Johann Hari-kari: A Personal Aploogy

Funny story written by pinxit

Thursday, 15 September 2011


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Hari: "I am here to eat porkie pie." [Humble Pie, you twat! Ed]

I've ritten so many articles over the years laying bare and polemicising against the errors and idiocies of other people. This time, I am writhing an article spreading myself bare [Eh? Ed.] and pomelicising against the errors and idiocies of myslef. If you give it, you have to take it. Like a man. Or not. If you demand high standards of others, you have to come down with a heavy hand, whip or preferably stilletto [What?! Ed.] if you fail to uphold them yourslef.

I did two wrong and stupid things. [Two thousand, surely? Ed.]

The first concerns some [All, actually. Ed.] people I interviewed. When I recorded and tryped up any conversation, I found something odd: points that sounded perfectly clear when you heard them being spoken often don't translate to the page. They can be quite confusing and unclear. Especially when you've had a few. When this happened, if the interviewee had made a similar pint, er, point in their writtings, I would use those words instead. Verbatim. [Cut and paste, in fact. Ed.]

At the time, I justified this to myself by saying 'Johanna, you're giving the clearest possible representation of what the interviewee thought, without the slurring that inevitably follows five-hour liquid-lunches with fab celebs in the Groucho and the Ivy'. [Wtf!!? Ed.]

But I was wr, wrrrr, I was wwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrroooooonnnn - nope, dammit - I can't get it out [There's a first... Ed.]. I was, er, mistaken in putting words into their mouths that I knew they wanted to say. Probably.

If only 'The Independent' had given me proper journalistic training, particularly in being able to take your drink while interviewing some pleb and ordering another couple of bottles of Pouilly Fumé, then I would have known I was acting inappropriately. It's not my fault. [Yes it fucking is!Ed.]

The other thing what I did wrong, apparently, [Whaddya mean 'apparently'???Ed.] was that several years ago I started to notice some horrid things I didn't like in the Wikipedia entry about me, so I took them out. To do that, I created a user-name ['names' plural. Thousands of 'em.Ed.] that wasn't my own. Using it, [them!!] I continued to edit my own Wikipedia entry. [Haven't you forgotten something else? Eh...? Ed.]

Er, and maybe some other people's too. [Hmmm. And...? Ed]

I may have edited the entries of people I had clashed with in ways that were juvenile or malicious: I called one of them anti-Sembiotic and homophitic, and the other a drunk. [Pot, kettle. Ed]

I am mortified to have been found out. [!!!Ed.] Er, to have done this, because it breaches the most basic ethical rule: Thou dost not do unto others what thou dost not want them to doeth unto thou, er, thee.[Have you been Googling that Scientologist website again? Ed.]

I apologise to the latter group unreservedly. [And...? Ed.] And totally.

Even that fat weasel-faced Nazi cunt Little Richardjohn. [I'll let that one go. Ed.]

I will do everything I can now to regain your trust. I hope, after a period of retraining, you will give me the chance. Even though I wasn't trained in the first place. [You're fired. Ed.]

Johann x

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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