One Day - The Director's Cut

Written by Bill Licks

Thursday, 15 September 2011


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One Day - We'll shop at Sainsbury's instead of Iceland

Its some time back in the 80s at a university in Edinburgh and a young couple are in their final year about to go their separate ways. The bloke, played by Hugh Grant wakes up in the bedroom of the girl, played by 90s one hit wonder Haddaway the morning after one final bender in the student union.

Hugh Grant - Um, so what am I doing here?

Haddaway - What?

Hugh Grant - You know? What am I doing here sat on a bed with a 47 year old black man in the middle of Edinburgh?

Haddaway - Hey dude, don't go giving all that '47 year old black man' shit with me. I'm only in this piece of shit spoof of the film One Day because my name sounds a bit like Anne Hathaway.

Hugh Grant - Thanks for explaining that, but the thing is most of the younger readers, er, viewers might not have heard of you so what was the name of that hit you had again?

Haddaway - That hit? What the fuck you talking about 'that hit'? I aint no one hit wonder. Yeah every mo'fucker knows that song 'What is Love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more.' But I had at least 3 other singles that made it into the UK top 10 so you call me 'one hit wonder' one more time and I'll make you wish you weren't born.

Hugh Grant - Um, ok. Point taken. Anyway what am I doing in this film spoof thing? I'm nothing like the lead actor in the real film apart from being English and quite well spoken.

Producer - We couldn't think of any other English actors who appear in this sort of rom-com nonsense so we just decided to use you. Also, the real actor, Jim Sturgess, doesn't have a name that sounds like a middle aged pop star who no one really gives a shit about anymore.

Hugh Grant - Yes I see. Not quite sure I fully understand my motivation but I'll give it a go anyway.

Haddaway - So are you and me gonna get together then and get married and shit?

Hugh Grant - Erm, not right now. I'm off travelling for a year to try and find myself around Thailand and those sorts of places so maybe hook up when I get back?

Haddaway - Fuck you bitch. You expect ME to wait around while YOU go chasing skank ho's in Bangkok? Maybe this relationship was never meant to be but I'm guessing we'll get back together again as that's the whole point of this piece of shit story.

Hugh Grant - Er, yes I assume we will. Bye for now then.

Fast forward some years later. Hugh Grant is now a presenter on a yoof TV show. Meanwhile Haddaway is working as a waitress in a restaurant and has attracted the attention of some wannabe stand up comedian played by Ricky Gervais.

Haddaway - Where the fuck did my life go wrong? I aint supposed to be acting like some slave to white folks serving up their dinner and shit?

Ricky Gervais - I'll tell you where you went wrong mate? You took your foot off the pedal after you did that song that everyone knows. What was it called again? What time is love? No, no hold on. That was the KLF who did that. Ha ha. Your song was called What is Love. Classic. What is love, baby don't hurt me. Ha ha. I doubt she'd hurt you now mate, she probably couldn't even remember who you are. Ha ha.

Haddaway - So what kind of fucked up shit is this? I'm a middle aged black guy who didn't get it together with Hugh Grant but gets it together with Ricky Gervais?

Ricky Gervais - Yeah but you will get together with Hugh Grant eventually mate, I'm only here to offer a bit of comic relief until you reach your destiny and get knocked off your bike.

Haddaway - What you talking about? I aint never ridden no mo'fuckin bike in my life so how you expecting me to get knocked off of one?

Ricky Gervais - Well I think that's the point mate. You know, 47 year old black man from Germany who used to get driven around in limos when he was famous but probably has to get the bus now, gets on a bicycle having never ridden one before, probably cycles on the wrong side of the road because he's from Germany, in the middle of Piccadilly Circus for fuck's sake, comes face to face with a double decker bus and quicker than you can say 'Baby don't hurt me', he's wrapped his bike around the Statue of Eros, lying on the floor mumbling his last breath, 'What is bus? Driver don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more. Ha ha

Haddaway - Jesus Christ dude. You've damn near given the whole story away and we aint even half way through this shit yet.

Ricky Gervais - Well its not like it'll came as a surprise to anyone. You know. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl sort of get together then don't. Then at some other point they get together and they split up again and when they finally do get together something bad happens and it all goes tits up. A bit like Macauley Kulkan in My Girl. But he gets done over by killer bees, you just fall off your bike mate.

Suddenly the TV turns on in the corner of the restaurant where Hugh Grant is presenting a TV show called 'Get drunk, do drugs and kill you parents' or something similar. He makes an absolute twat of himself because he's pissed and he's got the hots for his sexy co-presenter, played by Timmy Mallet

Hugh Grant - Sorry, I'm supposed to find Timmy Mallet attractive? Why couldn't we have got a female to play this role? I'm not really getting any chemistry here with, er, Timmy.

Timmy Mallet - SHUT UP YOU PLONKER. Come over here and stick your tongue down my throat.

Hugh Grant - Erm, no thanks. I think I would have rather done this scene with Roland Rat not Timmy Mallet.

Timmy Mallet - Roland Rat? How can you even use my name in the same sentence as that vermin puppet? But here's a bit of trivia for you. Did you know Ricky Gervais was one of the original operators of Roland Rat back in the 80's

Ricky Gervais - SHUT UP MALLET. What on earth are you talking about? How, in your tiny mallet shaped head, did you come up with that piece of complete and utter nonsense?

Timmy Mallet - It's true isn't it? I saw it on the internet somewhere. Everyone needs to start out in TV doing something. Simon Cowell once dressed up as a dog and sang a song on Top of the Pops and you used to have your arm up Roland Rat's arse.

Ricky Gervais - I've never heard so much crap in my whole life. Mallet you live in a virtual world where you believe any old bollocks anyone tells you and then get it completely wrong when you open your stupid mouth.... Now look people are tweeting on Twitter, Ricky Gervais used to be Roland Rat.... Well here's another fun fact readers, Timmy Mallet used to act like a cunt on breakfast TV.... No wait, that's true, but now he's just a cunt. Ha ha

Hugh Grant - So you're saying you did operate Roland Rat or didn't you?

Ricky Gervais - Oh hello, Granty's off on one now. You been having a drink or two mate? Better make sure there aren't any cans of baked beans around or Granty might pick them up and start throwing them at my head.

Haddaway - Baked Beans? What the fuck are baked beans?

Ricky Gervais - Here's the link mate. Granty's best performance yet! Haha

Haddaway - What the fuck? That don't look much like Hugh Grant to me.

Ricky Gervais - Ha ha yeah you're right. That's Hugh dressed as a gorilla stoking his cunt. Or stroking his Timmy Mallet to be more precise. Here's the baked beans thing.

Haddaway - Man, you look one angry mo'fucker in that. I'm having second thoughts about ever wanting to get wid you brother.

Fast forward to Hugh Grant's wedding to someone who isn't Haddaway

Hugh Grant - Does my character actually get married in the real film? Erm , I can't remember probably because I haven't seen it although I did read the book a while back.

Ricky Gervais - Thanks for clearing that up mate. Ha ha. Anyway who are you getting married to now?

Hugh Grant - Erm, not sure. Sorry producer who am I getting married to?

Producer - I think its going to be Jodie Whittaker.

Hugh Grant - That's more like it. A woman at last, I think I'll be a bit more convincing in this scene.

Haddaway - So now you're getting married and we still haven't got together. How much longer is this shit going on for?

Ricky Gervais - Yeah he's right Granty, I reckon we should wrap this up. So your marriage to Jodie Whittaker didn't work out then? You weren't driving slowly around the back streets of Harlem again were you?

Hugh Grant - No hold on. I was looking forward to the love scene with Jodie.

Haddaway - Well you aint looking forward to that no more honey. You looking forward to hanging out the back of some 200 pound middle aged black dude.

Hugh Grant - Oh fantastic. Erm, I bought you a gift to show my love for you. Its a brand new bicycle. Why don't you take it for a ride and we'll, erm, get down to some loving afterwards.

Haddaway - Horse shit brother. So I take it this is when I'm gonna get my black arse splattered all over some London Bus. By the way here's a video of me singing something else that aint 'What is Love'. Peace out y'all.

Hugh Grant receives the news that Haddaway has been involved in a fatal accident.

Hugh Grant - What an unfortunate way to go. Oh well I guess it was never meant to be but at least I get together now with some foxy lady who worked in the shop I owned. Who's playing that role Mr Producer?

Producer - Er, can't remember but looks as though you're about to find out.

Ray Slijngaard - Hi, I'm Ray Slijingaard from 90's dance act 2 Unlimited. 'No, no, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no There's no Limit'

Ricky Gervais - Brilliant. Ha ha

Hugh Grant makes a phone call

Hugh Grant - Hello. Is this my agent. You're fired.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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