Too much FIFA can cause severe skin and hair damage!
Sources have recently confirmed that playing too much FIFA can cause long-term facial damage. The game has been proven to cause a disease to form in the skin cells, causing constant dryness and itchiness, in more severe cases- hair and eyebrows have...
Read full storyLiam Fox, rocking and rolling in the House of Commons while an MP gets in the groove on air guitar
There is nothing remotely humourous about being Secretary of State for Defence. It really isn't funny being Defence Secretary with two aircraft carriers on order but with no planes to fly off said carriers. Neither is it funny when your department sacks 42 Warrant Officers by email. Even less funny that one WO received the email while on active duty. It definitely is not a laughing matter...
Read full storyLet England Shake: PJ Harvey's Battersea Power Station High Wire Walk
Diminutive West-Country trapeze artiste P J Harvey has always exuded an unattainable, urgent sexuality. Her influence on circus stunts has always been a subversive yet powerful one, with a singular, raw, physical magnetism augmented by a fierce profe...
Read full storyHow to: Get Across the Border Safely
Thousands of people illegally cross borders. Some make it. Other don't. Here are some sure-fire tips on how to get to the other side. 1) Disguise self as a stereotype of recipient nation, or pretend to be an asshole. Chances are, the rec. nation will be all assholes. 2) Send a email, and then upload yourself as an attachment. Send email to a 3D printer lab in all good science or engineering...
Read full storyHelen Skelton Slaughters New Radiohead Album
Painfully Manic Blue Peter presenter Helen Skeleton has slaughtered arty rock band Radiohead and their latest album The Queen of Bones. The disc was inspired by the bog-preserved remains of a medieval pauper girl child plague victim which is displ...
Read full storyHugh Hefner's Sex Biography Released
Hugh Hefner recovering from a hernia operation in a private clinic in LA has announced the forthcoming publication of "Stop It!" a book, written by the publishing guru himself and based largely on his own life. So, writes Lance Godbolt of The Vagina Observer. "It is more than a biography," explained Hefner. "It is largely, and very largely at that, a scientific investigation into human sexual...
Read full storyGovernor Brown appoints Progressive's "Flo" Chief of Staff
"Popular young Progressive understands real Americans," says Brown Stressing his credentials as a "true progressive," Governor Edmund G. Brown Jr. held a news conference Monday under the Capitol Rotunda to announce the appointment of his "progress...
Read full storySocks And Gloves And Pork Pie Hats
As the world once again finds itself in crisis, with wholesale slaughter going on left, right and centre, there remains a beacon of hope in the stultifying pall of negativity. Fashion guru, Adolph Galileo appears to think he's got the solution.
Read full story'Galliano Is Innocent, OK?' graffiti lands Keith Richards daughter in soup
New York - (Pot Boilers): Arresting officers were more interested in the half ounce of Alaskan Matanuska Thunderfuck that Theodora Richards had insider her... er...jeans! The 25 year old model was busted in NYC for scrawling protest graffiti about...
Read full storyArsenal v Orient, Man City v Villa Matches End In Results
Two FA Cup matches were played to a conclusion Wednesday evening, with the winners proceeding to the quarter-finals of the venerable competition. Aristocratic Arsenal - the 'Gunners' - of the Premier League, either defeated or were beaten by Leyto...
Read full storyMasterchef Fans Fear TV Repair Man Effect
Fans of BBC's Masterchef were bracing themselves today, fearing that their favourite foodie show might suffer from the threats of TV Repair Man. The self-appointed vigilante has vowed to purge the TV schedules of reality shows and rubbish daytime...
Read full storyCondemned paraplegic fights for disabled-friendly executions
A 71-year-old paraplegic who killed two Riverside, California police officers nearly 28 years ago is challenging his recently reaffirmed death sentence citing the San Quentin death chamber's "non-compliance with the Americans with Disabilities Act of...
Read full storyCharlie Sheen is planning to start writing for the Spoof
Charlie Sheen told a close friend, who happens to be a Spoof Writer (and prefers to remain anonymous)that he would really like to try his hand at writing for The Spoof. When asked if he'll be choosing a 'pen name' he answered, "No, I need all the publicity and 'friends' I can get at present. I'm sure my stories would have so many views and ratings that I would be Top Writer within the week.
Read full storyKinky bastards on Tripoli-Kiev flight 'threatened to tie up busty blond Gaddafi nurse Galyna Kolotnytska and lay her out on the floor!!'
Chernobyl, Ukraine - Libyan QueasyJet Airlines today denied perverted abuse of Colonel Gaddafi's personal nurse Galyna Kolotnytska. The 44DD-24-34 peroxide paramedic has lodged an official complaint about being manhandled and threatened with bond...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus Both Deny Any Involvement In The Infamous Santa Monica Hanna Montana Counterfeit Sock Scandal
SANTA MONICA - Billy Ray Cyrus, 49, and his daughter Miley Cyrus, 18, have both denied any involvement, participation, or knowledge in what Southern California law enforcement agencies are calling The Infamous Santa Monica Hannah Montana Counterfeit...
Read full storySeb Coe says we'll see athletes rising to the challenge in next years Olympic Games
The announcement from NASA that gravitational changes are beginning to influence the weight of objects on our planet - making them to behave less heavy as a result of the gradual alignment of all the planets in the solar system (they will all be in a...
Read full storyChelsea receive charity and Man U are cheesed off!
Charity begins at home and Chelsea had enough given to them in last nights epic bid to keep the Premier league title race exciting. Watching Arsenal fans screamed "eureka" as the "blue-eyed" ref awarded Chelsea a penalty, and the dive was even bet...
Read full storyJustin Bieber in Trouble with the Police Again
It seems that Justin Bieber has a knack for putting up the backs of police officers. "So the kid likes practical jokes. Usually you overlook it but not when you're having a bad night already with crowd control outside a Hollywood Shindig!" Shin...
Read full storyBernie Madoff Lives! Mets Owners Offer Club For Sale: Promise 50% Return on Investment!
Things are getting increasingly desperate for NY Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Brother in law Saul Katz as federal investigators are pressing for over $300m in ill gotten gains from 'investments' from Ponzi Prince Bernie Madoff, now doing 150 years for...
Read full storyIs Miley Cyrus the New "Sock It To Me" Girl?
Apparently Judy Carn and Goldie Hawn, from the old Laugh-In show have been replaced by singer/actor Miley Cyrus. "She's definitely today's Version", stated Carn. "She is always getting it socked to her by the press and umm, others." Critics ha...
Read full storyColonel Gaddafi Says His Fan Adores Him
Libyan leader Gaddafi told reporters from several television networks Tuesday that the public still love him. "Just ask my friend, Corporal Peon." "Yes", Corporal Peon, "I worship at the Colonel's feet. Carry out his chamber pot and relish the sme...
Read full storyToday's News With Rush Limbo! #10
Today's News With Rush Limbo! "What a great program we have for you today. Newt 'The Poot" Gingrich is supposed to call in during our ninth hour, so be sure to stick around for that one. Ready for the calls, Turdley? We'll get right to them right after these news bits: Did you know that high school kids are already getting ready for the Prom? That's what I have been told. Boy have things c...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner: Doing It Wolf Style!
Is the wolf man on the prowl? Twilight Movie star Taylor Lautner has been pulling reporters legs and playing jokes on his friends for as long as he can remember. "You never know what the guy is going to do next or to whom", stated one member of th...
Read full storyKristen Stewart Blow-Up Doll Turns on Owner
Shades of the Ventriloquist dummy turning against it's owner. There is a report out this morning that a Kristen Stewart look-alike blow-up doll has turned on it's owner and blew them both to bits. "I thought the whole apartment complex was goin...
Read full storyGazza Called To Cobham
In the wake of Chelsea's Ashley Cole going on a rampage around the clubs Cobham training ground it has been widely reported that manager, Carlo Ancelotti, has lost control of his mega bucks superstars, with Cole in particular, being singled out as 'o...
Read full storyGaddafi's got the hump
Benghazi - The Libyan Camel Racing Association has petitioned Colonel Gaddafi about ritual interference to his prized dromedary. Apparently the mad old despot has been over-milking his favorite beastie to make camel cheese and butter. But an ac...
Read full storyDaisy Lowe Claims 'I'm A Mild Lesbian'
Daisy Lowe, model and partner of Doctor Who star Matt Smith, sensationally revealed today that she is a 'mild lesbian' during an interview. The cat walk star told reporters that she had 'a crush' on star Kelly Brooke, and that she was 'a hotty'. T...
Read full storyWatched Pots Boil Shock
Boffins at a top research university have exploded as a myth the received wisdom that a watched pot never boils. Scientists at the University of Thames Valley East have published their findings in the latest edition of Serious Physics Monthly. The...
Read full storyBritain Prepares for War with Fiji
In a dramatic announcement from Buckingham Palace the Queen has declared war on Fiji, an island in the South Pacific, which has decided to replace the Queen on its stamps with pictures of local plants and animals. Rats, pigs and goats are all likely...
Read full storyBruno Mars Barking Mad
Sometimes all the signs are there that someone is losing their sanity and this is definitely true for American Superstar Bruno Mars. Bruno has a huge following with millions of adoring fans and a string of hit singles and albums but the cracks sta...
Read full story'One Way Ticket' Wins Daftest Lyric Award
Fresh on the heels of the Oscars came another award ceremony, this time to honour songs we love with daft lyrics! It takes place every year, ironically, in the town of Daftest Lyric, just outside Boston, Massachusetts and is now in it's 15th year.
Read full storyGay Man's 21st Birthday Celebrations End In Babba-Stabbing Chaos
Police were called to the home of a homosexual man in Manchester on Tuesday night, after a party to celebrate the latter's birthday got 'slightly out of hand'. The man, Larry Sabu, 20, was marking his 21st birthday with a house party, and had invi...
Read full storyFootball Coverage - EIF News & Features Apologises To Sports Fans
Efforts by Skoob Sports and Colonel Juan to cover the vital Chelsea vs Manchester United match on Tuesday evening were praised by rival organisation Ellis Ian Fields News & Features. Said a spokesman for EIF: "What can we say, except we're sorry to EIF followers hoping to enjoy our superior coverage of this match? "Skoob News made it perfectly clear earlier today that they were determine...
Read full storyOprah To Play Role Of Little Orphan Annie On Broadway
Once again Oprah Winfield has recreated herself. Announcing today that she has decided to curl her hair and sit in Daddy Warbuck's lap in a rendition of the 1982 Broadway production of Orphan Annie. In the original play, the character of Annie was...
Read full storySlade Plots Arsenal Downfall
Oldies but Goldies group Slade are doing all they can to help underdogs Leyton Orient in their FA Cup replay with Arsenal tonight. Although they hail from the Black Country, the glam rockers have a lot of affection for the East London club as they...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera Arrested For DUI - Oprah Winfrey Says "Man Da Po Little White Girl She Sho Nuff Be Jinxed!"
WEST HOLLYWOOD - It is still early in the year, but Christina Aguilera is already being touted as most likely to receive The 2011 Most Jinxed Award. The blonde songstress has had more than her share of bad luck. First of all she messed up the word...
Read full storyKate Middleton Says The "Nude" Photos of Her Are Not Really Her - Prince William Agrees
LONDON - A group of photos which have been making the rounds lately proporting to be of Kate Middleton are fake according to the woman who should know, Kate Middleton. Middleton said that she first learned of the photos when she received a text message from her future grandmother-in-law Elizabeth. Kate was so shocked to see the word "Nude" on her cell phone screen that she dropped the phone...
Read full storyOscar Winning Film Inspires Adolescents
Oscar winning film "The Social Network" has been credited with saving the lives of two deeply troubled brothers in Dayton, Ohio. The two adolescents, known only as Jimmy X and Bobby Y, had been in and out of social service facilities since the age...
Read full storyAncelloti Denies Losing Control
Beleaguered Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelloti has vehemently denied that there are disciplinary problems at Stamford Bridge or that his players are out of control. The claims surfaced after left back Ashley Cole was the subject of a police enquiry afte...
Read full storyAvram Grant Impressed By Parker Spirit
West Ham boss Avram Grant has come out in praise of Aloysius "Nosey" Parker, one of the best known characters in the TV puppet show, "Thunderbirds". 'When I was growing up in Israel, "Thunderbirds" was the most popular show on the box. Although mo...
Read full storyLondon 2012 Threatened By Boycotts
The International Olympic Committee is facing a major crisis with the news that Iran may boycott London 2012 because of "inherent racism in the organisation". Iranian Olympic President Mohammad Aliabadi has made an official complaint to the IOC as...
Read full storyMusic World Bombshell - Taylor Swift and Kanye West Write A Song For "Lovebirds" Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez
LOS ANGELES - In a songwriting move that even surprised one of the top songwriting teams in the country Kara DioGuardi and Neil Sedaka, Taylor Swift and Kanye West have collaborated on a song. And according to Bedroom Pillow Talk the song is not just your average run-of-the-mill song it is a song that both Swift and West are dedicating to the newest, happiest, most popular couple in Tinsel Town...
Read full storyThe Shocking Revelation - Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King's "Relationship" Is Reportedly 'On The Rocks.'
CHICAGO - Longtime BFF's Oprah "The Queen" Winfrey and Gayle "The King" King's relationship appears to be on the rocks. Reports coming in from several sources state that there is trouble brewing in the big mansion in Chicago. And Oprah's token boyfriend Stedman Graham is sitting on the sidelines by hisself, I mean himself on this one. Winfrey who has so much money that she recently expres...
Read full storyHeidi Montag and Joan Rivers To Star In The Science Fiction Thriller "The Attack of The Quasi-Naked Plastic Bitches"
HOLLYWOOD - The Lions Face Motion Picture Company is association with TriMoon Films has announced that production will soon begin on a science fiction thriller to be directed by Fanton Brasshorn. Brasshorn will be directing Heidi Montag and Joan R...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera and Lady Gaga Deny Those Ever Persistent Lesbian Rumors
WEST HOLLYWOOD - The rumor mill seems to be working 24/7 when it comes to the comings and goings of two of the top singers in America Lady Gaga and Christina Aguilera. Lady Gaga who was just named 'The Most Popular Woman In Delaware' is getting re...
Read full storyScissors Left Inside Patient Is 'Tip Of The Iceberg' Say's Leaked Hospital Document
With recent news of a womans distress after finding a pair of surgical scissors left inside her, after a tummy tuck operation, we thought it our duty to delve deeper in to this subject and find out if this was just a mishap or an increasingly common...
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