Helen Skelton Slaughters New Radiohead Album

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Wednesday, 2 March 2011


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I Wish I Had Some Of What She's On: Cumbrian Farmer's Daughter Helen Keeps de Quincey The Blue Peter Mongrel Happy

Painfully Manic Blue Peter presenter Helen Skeleton has slaughtered arty rock band Radiohead and their latest album The Queen of Bones.

The disc was inspired by the bog-preserved remains of a medieval pauper girl child plague victim which is displayed in a glass case at Devizes Museum, Wiltshire. Radiohead's melancholic singer Thom Yorke was moved by the story of the long-dead girl.

Skeleton, whose nickname is "Pollyanna", explained that she did not approve of the album. "I just heard that fuckin' Radio'ead record and I'm like, 'Wha'? Wha' the fuck is tha'?'"

Speaking to co-presenter Andy Pandy and Blue Peter pet Socks The Blue Peter Capybara on Monday's Blue Peter show, Skeleton said: "Them miserable pricks writin' a song abou' a fuckin' medieval dead bodeh? Give me a break! I'm like, 'Yeah, righ', fellers, a thousan' year old fuckin' dead kid? Go fuck yersells guys!' Ah mean, like, why couldn't they just write some stuff abou' happy modern kids that's actually alive? Yeah?"

Later, stroking Cookie The Blue Peter Lamprey, Skeleton spoke about her plans for upcoming episodes.

"Yeah, it's gonna be really really good like. It'll be like, 'Just 'ow fuckin' 'appy can I be?'. It's gonna be totally awesome. I'm gonna like kick fuck out'f it all. See 'ow bouncy bouncy I can just get, like!"

Skeleton went into more detail when feeding Scaley The Blue Peter Pangolin with co-presenter Barney Blancmange. "Hey, like, ah'm gonna really really fuck 'em up, like, these poor sad kids in Africa an' tha', like. Fer Red Nose Day ah'm gonna teach every kid in Africa an' tha' ter sing that song from Annie, yer know, 'Tomorrer'."

When Barney Blancmange queried the achievability of this task, Helen Skeleton shrieked and giggled and scrunched up her face like a little lovely doll and giggled and shrieked.

"Oh nooo, Barneh, nooo. I'm like, 'wha', eh?' Imposserble's just a word, inni', eh? We're 'ere ter mek kids 'appy if it kills t'fuckers, like! Ah'm gonna really really fuck it up, me! Be the really really fuckin' talkin' poin', me, eh like?

"Ah mean, Thom Yorke's a right pretentious prick, with a silent fuckin' h in 'is name. Cheer up mate!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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