Written by Jalapenoman

Sunday, 24 April 2011

image for F.D.A. Declares Kool-Aid A Fruit In School Lunch Program
Kids prefer the flavorless one with the red dye

Parents who look to their children's school lunches as a source of nutrition can now rest easy, knowing that their Federal Government (through the Food and Drug Administration) has declared Kool-Aid to be a fruit. The beverage will count as a full serving of a fruit group on the nutrition pyramid. This follows in the wake in recent years of the F.D.A. declaring toe jam a fruit and stating that children who chew their fingernails are adding a protein component to their meals. Over twenty years ago, this same group declared Ketchup to be a vegetable.

When asked by detractors how a beverage made from a half gallon of water, one cup of sugar, and about a tablespoon of flavored powder could have the nutrients contained in a serving of fresh (or canned) fruit, F.D.A. spokesman Michael Robertson answered: "well, it comes in fruit flavors, doesn't it? I mean, we're buying the cherry flavor, the strawberry flavor, and the tropical punch. For school breakfasts, we intend to start supplying orange flavored Kool-Aid, as it is a lot cheaper than Florida orange juices."

"We are also trying to steer clear of any racial stereotyping in the flavors we provide to schools. As there is always humor that Kool-Aid is a popular ghetto drink, we will not be buying black cherry flavor."

Robertson also said that the F.D.A. is testing whether or not Milk Duds count as a dairy serving.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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