Tiger Pulls Out: Threesome Left Hanging and Unsatisfied!
In an unprecedented move, golf Satyr Tiger Woods was forced to 'pull out' during the final round of the TPC match at Ponte Verde claiming a 'bulging ball sack" was giving him a stiff neck and he wasn't able to 'follow through." Tiger's early withd...
Read full storyNick Clegg sells his principles for a deal with the heirs of Margaret Thatcher
This morning, Sarah Brown, wife of the UK Prime Minister, laid out her hubby's best bib and tucker so that he looks his best when he goes to see Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II at the Palace. Suited and booted, our Gordon, great Scotsman and Prime...
Read full storyMaxi-pad Maker Joins Effort to Clean up Gulf Oil Spill
A consumer products giant announced today that they have restructured their feminine products division temporarily to go ahead with plans to produce the world's largest maxi-pads for use in helping remove the oil that is permeating the waters off the...
Read full storyIceland Invokes Thor's Help To Hammer Europe
Iceland, hammered by massive financial debts to Europe and Britain in particular, has come up with a hammer of its own to strike back with. Returning to its traditional religious roots and the old gods of the Norsemen the Icelanders have invoked...
Read full storyWell It Now Appears That "Fan Tasering" Has Replaced The Once Proud "Wave"
JACKSONVILLE, Florida - The once popular and proud sports "Wave" has now been replaced by the attention-getting and the downright smarting "Taser." Last week two Philadelphia Phillies fans ran onto the field on different days and were chased all o...
Read full storySusan Boyle going into jewelry business
Susan Boyle is going into the jewelry business. Well, actually, it's the Rosary business. She recently received a very special Rosary made for her from Catholic fans around the world. There is even a little piece of a bandage, complete with bloo...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Has a Solution to Reduce Terrorism
Lohan said she knows of a way to reduce violence in the Middle East and terrorism around the world. She proposes that Middle Eastern people change their social system to balance out instinctual aggression. Women should govern most of society beca...
Read full storyTaylor Dane, New York's Main Woman is in Trouble with the Law
New York-- The man accused of bringing Bernie Sher, a mental patient, to a Hotel to buy a jar of "Runny Water" from Taylor Dane told him to lie about being desperate for "Runny Water", prosecutors alleged in a federal complaint against the man on Fri...
Read full storyTory-Lib Dem pact to arrest Ratzinger
London - (Papal Bulls**t Mess): The Tories have agreed to arrest the Pope and to decriminalise cannabis. In exchange Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg will get a hereditary peerage and Peter Mandelson's job. And that is the gist of the dirty deal done...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Accused Of Biting Young Lady On The Neck
A 15-year-old young lady from New York is claiming that Twilight actor Robert Pattinson bit her on the neck as she and her girlfriend attended a recent Twilight Movie promotion at Madison Square Garden. "It was after the show and we left late. Nei...
Read full storyDolgoprudny Power Drinking Team Set New World Record
The Dolgoprudny power drinking team set a new world record today at the Moscow Victory Day Games. The team, led by the legendary Ivan Drunkovitch, managed to down five litres of vodka and twenty litres of beer between them in one hour. Drunkovich...
Read full storyMother's Day In Beaver
It's Mother's Day, the one day of the year when women get their well deserved recognition. We asked area mothers how they celebrated this special day. Here's what they had to say: Laura "I just had my first child six months ago. My husband gave me a bathroom scale and a membership to Curves, so I can lose that last ten pounds. I look forward to him taking interest in me again when I do."...
Read full storyBilly Connolly on Chelsea's win and Susan Boyle
Och! Well...what canna say aboot the wee boys in blue? They sure deserved ta win today. Arv sure been busy lately with all ma concerts, films an' stuff, bu' A just luv ta watch the fitball. A was watching the match wi' sum o' me gud frends an enjoyin' a glass o' heavy an' a wee fish supper, as yer dee. Christ Almighty wo' a freaking game. 7 - 0. Oh! Christ! A believe it was 8 - 0.
Read full storyChubby Brown on Chelsea's win in EPL
Well for f***'s sake. What d'ya expect. Freaking Chelsea Pensioners winning 8 - 0. Poor bloody Wigan....boo f*****g hoo. What the 'ell 'appened. Yer couldn't even score ONE poxy goal yer retards. A know me own team, The - Boro' - stinks at the moment, but Christ...Wigan...counldn't yer 'ave even got ONE in the f*****g net? Chelsea ye' tarts..., ye' deserve the f******g BIG prize. T...
Read full storyNew Job for Jacqui Smith?
Humiliated former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, who suffered a crushing defeat in the election, already has a new job, according to a dream I had last night. Having lost her Redditch seat to the Conservatives, the ex-MP found gainful employment as...
Read full storyCountries cannot afford to be countries; must pool resources and just become "The World"
It would seem that today, countries cannot afford to be countries in their own right. Greece needs bailing out of a financial crisis. The Afghan president and ten ministers will be telling members of the US Congress that they need billions of doll...
Read full storyDidier Drogba launches new range of dummies and rattles
Chelsea centre forward Didier Drogba is set to open a shop in West London selling his own designer range of baby clothes and toys. The 6 foot 2 inch Ivory Coast international made the decision after Frank Lampard stepped up to take a penalty agai...
Read full storyBritain's Got Talent miscount shocker!
ITV today sensationally announced that the 2009 Britain's Got Talent final telephone vote had been miscounted. "Due to a broken valve in our computer/toaster combination unit, the final result was incorrectly calculated," admitted a spokesperson.
Read full storyPamela Anderson Finally Reveals That Her Right Boob Is Bigger Than Her Left Boob
HOLLYWOOD - After months of hearing the rumors regarding her world famous rack, Pamela Anderson has confessed that yes it is most definitely true that her right boob is in fact larger than her left boob. She did point out that Dr. Fritz Beachwick,...
Read full storyRent a Boy: "God's Work"
The Reverend George Rekers today vehemently denied that he had sex with a Rentboy. "I did NOT have sexual relations with that boy," declared Rikers. A reporter from the AP turned to a colleague and was heard to say, "Does that sound kind of f...
Read full storyCameron left reeling by shattering revelation
Prime Minister in waiting, David Cameron, is facing one of the toughest decisions of his short political career, and that's before he even gets his feet under the table at No.10. Unbelievably he is having to wrestle with the possibility that he may h...
Read full storyCarlo Ancelloti is writing happy ending for Chelsea - and he GETS it!
Carlo Ancelloti has had to adapt 'big time' to British Soccer after 33 years of playing and coaching in Italy. One thing that he has had to deal with, of course, are the sexual appetites of certain players, who hit the headlines recently with thei...
Read full storyLocal Man In London Ambulance Drama
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock had been enjoying a civilised afternoon get together with a couple of his writer friends when through his innate stupidity/lack of awareness, he became unwittingly involved in an untimely accident. With one of the fri...
Read full storyBritish tax payers refuse to bail out Greece
British taxpayers are refusing to bail out Greece. It was decided they should do so under a sneaky European Union deal. "It's just not fair," said one British taxpayer, Arthur Giblet, of Berwick Hills. "They did it in a bloody sneaky way wit...
Read full storyEngland to be abolished following hung parliament
Breaking News - Late last night the Labour leader Gordon Brown was hatching grand plans to pre-empt the conservatives and form the next government. This follows Scotland's First Minister, SNP leader Alex Salmond, call on the Lib Dems to join a "pr...
Read full storyGeoffrey Zippy Bungle and George in last ditch talks with wounded Brown
An eighties children's TV show is set to make an amazing entry into the political arena, following the stalemate in the wake of the General Election. Lame-duck PM, Gordon Brown, has been reported as wishing to attempt to prop up his failing administr...
Read full storyPresident Obama Denies Using Term "White Trash"!
President Barack Obama stated yesterday that he had never used the term, "White trash" and that all 35 of those recordings at 35 different locations were made by someone who was impersonating him. "Rush Limbaugh uses them all the time to make up s...
Read full storyR-Patz Becomes Mormon to Get Married
Twilight hunk Robert Pattinson has found a solution to the dilemma of satisfying the hoards of screaming women who claim to be in love with him. He is to convert to Mormonism and marry the lot of them. The Brit movie star who plays vampire Edward...
Read full storyRestoration
Best medicine is no medicine, and it has got nothing to do with radicalism, anti-modernism etc. Of course, giant pharmaceutical corporations don't like the idea, but it's up to them: take it or leave it. Man, after centuries of trial and error, gradually learned the effects of some plants such as poppy, belladonna, foxgloves, etc. On the other hand, he stubbornly blocked thinking about the...
Read full storyDiabolical Dingo Demolishes Darwin
High above Darwin, Australia. The wreckage in Darwin proper is widespread when viewed from a helicopter at one thousand feet altitude. Buildings have been pushed over by a Godzilla like creature that appears to be a two hundred foot tall dingo.
Read full storySelena Gomez Caught Flirting With Liam Hemsworth At A Tacos "R" Us
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Selena Gomez who recently revealed that she had a crush on Liam Hemsworth, one of the stars of The Last Song, was caught flirting with the Australian star at a Tacos "R" Us in West Hollywood. Hemsworth who has been linked with Las...
Read full storyThe Governor of Mississippi Tells All State Record Stores That The Miley Cyrus CD "Can't Be Tamed" Must Have A Blue Dot on Miley's Crotch
JACKSON, Mississippi - The governor of Mississippi Haley "Bubba" Barbour has issued a state proclamation stating that the brand new Miley Cyrus CD "Can't Be Tamed" cannot be displayed in any state record store without a blue dot covering Miss Cyrus'...
Read full storyRobert Pattinson Reveals He Has A Crush on Michelle Trachtenberg
BOSTON - Robert Pattinson was in "Bean Town" to meet with the producers of his upcoming vampire comedy film The Silly Suckers of Saskatoon. He was asked about the rumors of a possible involvement with one of the stars of Gossip Girl Michelle Trac...
Read full storyMan sues online dating service for prostitution solicitation; Offers male baggage carrier services
A Miami man sued the online dating service eDateMe on Thursday, alleging its membership fee is used to solicit prostitution from its own members. Allan George said he was solicited several times to have sex since eDateMe has allowed existing gay and...
Read full storyBP Announces New "Harvest Your Own Oil Program"
Marketing Director for beleaguered giant oil company BP announced a new "Harvest Your Own Oil" program for US consumers. Newly employed, Mr. Matthews stated that the problem with deep sea oil has previously been that it is "deep down in the sea," but...
Read full storyMan Files Defamation Lawsuit After Receiving Libelous Fortune Cookie at Chinese Restaurant
Samuel Guthry was dining with friends at a Chinese restaurant in Gooseberry, Kentucky when an otherwise perfect evening suddenly turned into the most humiliating moment of Guthry's life. "We were going around the table reading our fortune cookies,...
Read full storyPre-Mother's Day Riots Break Out Over Blueberry Pancakes
Supermarkets across America were the scene Saturday of knock-down, drag-out brawls over the last few packages of Blueberry Pancake Mix and frozen blueberry pancakes as children dragged their fathers, aunts, uncles and grandparents to the store to get...
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