Hull City Players Celebrate Impending Return Of Prodigal Son
Hull City, everyone's 2nd favourite team, who hadn't won a league game since December 6 before this evening's game against Fulham, and had slid deep into the relegation mire, are celebrating tonight, after it was announced that Prodigal Son, Dean Win...
Read full storyRobbery At The Cottage
Police have been called in following an appalling smash and grab raid at Craven Cottage tonight. It is believed that the notorious Tiger gang are responsible for slipping in and stealing three points whilst the residents dozed nearby. OAP caretake...
Read full storyCIA Wanted Gloria Estefan to Become Spy
Famed Cuban pop singer Gloria Estefan revealed today to reporters that had she not become an international celebrity she would have become a spy for the CIA. "The CIA realized I could easily get into the pants of high level Cuban government leader...
Read full storyInnovations Catalogue Item No 6
The Election Fixer - Want to stay in power forever? Want to avoid silly little things like democracy? The the all-new election fixer is for you. Developed at laboratories in Moscow by Professor Putin, the renowned scientist and despot, the election fixer is a revelation. Gone are the days of military coups and juntas. Now you can maintain power whilst pretending to follow the constitution. And...
Read full storyPope Rat-finker issues fatwa on SMS texting during Lent. Says Catholic women using vibrators will "burn in the fires of Hell".
VATICAN - ROME: The current Emperor of Rome AKA Pope Rat-finker, an ex-Nazi turned Gucci-Prada loving fashionista(?) has decided that the only way to regain his 'grip' on the Catholic Church is to take a page out of the Taliban book. To this exte...
Read full storyBrenda Song & Keith Richards to Kick Off Collaboration Nude at Central Park
Central Park, New York -- Publicists for both Keith Richards and Brenda Song are confirming Internet rumors that the two plan a nude photo shoot, whilst ice skating together, for the cover of the duo's upcoming collaborative album. "I'm just sooo...
Read full storyNo house in Britain can be sold
Not a single home nor mortgage was sold in February. Mortgage Lenders Council (MLC) figures out today show no new mortgages were sold and only 132 remortgage deals were passed. Net mortgage lending rose 43 per cent. Alex Rumpelstiltskin, MLC...
Read full storyWatchmen movie 'unfilmable and unfilmed'
Makers of the new Watchmen film have admitted there is no film but they still anticipate to break box office records. Director Zack Snyder admitted he had taken the budget and just gone on holiday, leaving the studio to release 163 minutes of a bl...
Read full storyVenice to be concreted in
Venice, Italy, which has been slowly sinking for 500 years, is to have all its canals concreted. The Italian government explained ; "We have spent billions of dollars over the last 100 years to halt the slow decline of Venice. None of our schemes...
Read full storyFA hire Pakistani police for Cup Final
The Football Association today announced they were hiring Pakistanis to police this year's Cup Final. Chief executive George Worst said: 'We were so impressed with Pakistan's handling of a recent crisis involving a cricket team that we've decided...
Read full storyGot Milk? Sean Penn Lobbies For Harvey Milk Day In California
"Straight" from his best actor Oscar for his performance as Harvey Milk, Sean Penn is pushing the state of California to officially recognize the late gay politician's birthday. State Senator Mark Leno plans to reintroduce a bill Tuesday in San F...
Read full storyWembley Arch to Go
The massive arch that surmounts Wembley Stadium is to be removed in renovations that are likely to cost upwards of £17 million. The arch, which is the architectural signature of the site, is 133 metres high at its peak, and is constructed from 1750...
Read full storyGiant Cockroach At Center Of Missing Person Investigatilon
A gigantic cockroach remains the sole mystery in the disappearance of Gregory Simpson. "We're convinced that he just took off." Says his mother, a home-ridden asthmatic. "He was always a selfish bastard. And leaving a big bug in the bed was just...
Read full storyThere Are Only Two Spoof Writers
After a detailed review of profile information held by TheSpoof.com, the organisers have determined that there are actually only two individual writers contributing. Although accusations of operating under more than one name have been made in the...
Read full storyScores Missing After Statue of Liberty's Vagina Breaks Loose
New York, NY -- An unknown number of VIP dignitaries are still missing today as the Statue of Liberty's vagina fell off into the New York Harbor with them in it. Officials are not sure how many dignitaries, including members of their immediate fam...
Read full storyAmerica's Most Hated Man - "Crybaby" Mesnick (aka The Bachelor)
LOS ANGELES - Bernard Madoff, the financial service investment manager who embezzled $50 billion has just been replaced as The Most Hated Man in America. That dubious honor now belongs to Jason Mesnick, who was the bachelor on this season's editi...
Read full storyBradford residents in uproar over pink plans
Following on from the fiasco to brighten up Bradford centre one council leader tried to calm residents fears by saying: "Look, I know Bradford may be a disease riddled festering sump of putrid matter. Full of obnoxious toe rags you wouldn't pee on if...
Read full storyPope admits Church is an April Fool's joke
Pope Benedict today admitted that the Roman Catholic Church is 'just an April fool's joke, who'd've believed it would have taken this long for anyone to spot it?!' The former Nazi finally admitted the joke, as he revoked yet another ex-communicati...
Read full storyTed Kennedy knighthood for JFK/RFK RIP whitewash
Washington AC/DC - (Mary Jo Kopechne Ass Mess): Top IRA apologist and Kennedy brothers' assassination cover-up specialist Sen Ted Kennedy is to get a UK knighthood. A lifetime's dedication to forked tongue activities will see the wily old alkie re...
Read full storyManilow Music Scatters Troubled Youth
A mall in Christchurch, New Zealand is attempting to rid themselves of drunken and drugged kids causing them problems by playing the music of Barry Manilow. The New Zealand city hopes that putting the American crooner's smooth and gentle tones int...
Read full storyBelgians are interesting after all
In an effort to make Belgium appear more than just the home of Jean Claude Van Damme and Stella Artois, Belgian historians have uncovered unconvincing evidence that the source of many great things lay in Belgium. The first targets of the Belgian h...
Read full story'I can't play football', David Beckham admits
Former Manchester United star and England captain David Beckham today admitted that he couldn't actually play football. 'It's true', he said, I can't ackcherly ply the gyme. I can't pass the ball, I can't head it, and I daren't go into a tackle in...
Read full storyBritney Spears Returns With Elephants, Etc As "Circus" Hits The Road
Dressed as a sexy ringmaster in New Orleans and directing a colorful cast that included jugglers, elephants, sword swallowers, acrobats, dancing chickens, donkey basketball teams and martial arts dancers, Britney Spears delivered a tightly choreograp...
Read full storyScientist Creates Strain Of Human AIDS Virus That Infects Monkeys
A U.S. scientist has created a strain of the human AIDS virus that's able to infect and multiply in monkeys in a step toward testing future vaccines in monkeys before trying them in people, according to a new study. "If monkeys ever revolt, that...
Read full storyEntire Scottish nation emigrates to Ireland
As news that Scotland was planning to bring in a minimum price on alcoholic drinks, towns and cities in that part of the world emptied within hours, as millions of Scots headed to Ireland for what one emigre - Sir Robert C Nesbitt - called 'somewhere...
Read full storyTed Kennedy Knighted
It has been confirmed today that Ted Kennedy is to be knighted for services to car driving. In a controversial move Gordon Broon confirmed that the US senator was to be made a nit of the British Empire. The award will be bestowed upon Kennedy duri...
Read full storyUniversity Challenge: Paxo Not Properly Qualified Shock
The 'popular' BBC quiz show for smart arsed students, University Challenge was left reeling by yet another scandal today. It has been revealed that the show's host, Jeremy Paxo, is not qualified to present the show. Paxo had taken over from long...
Read full storyITV Announces New Show
ITV, the troubled UK television network company, has announced plans for a new show. The programme will be hosted by Simon Cowell, Jeremy Kyle and Sir Michael Grade, and this panel will view one-minute acts by all 4,500 ITV employees. At the end of...
Read full storySri Lanka Unfazed By Pakistan Terror Attack
The Sri Lankan cricket team arrived back in Colombo this morning after yesterday's scandalous, terrible, horrific, frightening and disgusting terrorist attacks on their team bus which left seven people dead, and seven of their squad injured. Batsm...
Read full storyInnovations Catalogue Item No 5
Want to help bring unrest and fear to the people of the world? Want to have an ideology that says "Fuck you" to capitalism? Then our handy Communist ideology is just the thing. Yes, you will be the envy of all your friends as you spread your ideology across the globe. Thrill as you bring the world close to World War 3. Gasp as your very own Red Army parades on May Day. Yes the Communist ideo...
Read full story2 Para Announces Intent to Field Cricket Team for Away Games!
Colchester,Essex/ Straight from the Pitch Cricket News - Colonel Sir William "Batty" Montblanc, announced today that a select group from 2 Para would henceforth be representing the UK in any away games, due to recent terrorist activities threatening...
Read full storyITV "Close To Collapse" Reveal The BBC
Today the BBC announced that ITV was on the brink of financial meltdown. News presenters were told to forget about any other news story and just keep reminding viewers that ITV was going down the pan. Head of BBC news, Billy Liar said "This is tr...
Read full storySri Lanka Bus Driver Was None Other Than Hero Pilot Chesley Sullenberger
The hero of yesterday's Pakistan terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team in Lahore was revealed to the public this morning just hours after the incident, and turned out to be none other than miracle airline pilot, Chesley Sullenberger! Sul...
Read full storyFootball clubs to merge
London Premier league football clubs are to merge in an "inclusion scheme" with clubs in lower divisions to "include more ethnic minorities or other people of a disadvantaged or alternatively sexually oriented background to combat racism and bias", t...
Read full storyBrown drunk; "starts on" Obama
Gordon Brown last night caused a diplomatic furore and risked the future of the "special relationship" with USA when he had "one or two wee drams too much" at an official dinner with Barak Obama and started on him. The President had been warned p...
Read full storyNew Zealand - special bus for Pakistani cricket tour
Kiwi Tours, charged with travel arrangements for the New Zealand Cricket team, has said that it will go ahead with the Pakistani tour, and is quite confident that it's new bus will keep the players safe. The bus, a red RF486 from route 159 to Stre...
Read full storyGordon permits new nuke in Thames Corridor
Gordon Brown has given permission for a site in the Thames Corridor to be added to those where it is planned to build new nuclear power stations. He stated that the advice from the International Radiological Protection Committee indicates that nuclea...
Read full storyCulling of ignorant to begin Saturday
In a move certain to raise eyebrows in the House of Lords, the Government have announced that from Saturday they will start to cull the stupidest 25% of the adult population. "The great unwashed, the workshy and people who are just plain ignorant...
Read full storyDuckDonalds "no got nuggets"
An emergency has been declared due to a total outage of nuggets in a Frolidian franchised outlet of DuckDonalds. Sonya Joke, from the swamp area of Frolida said "This is a much greater problem than getting hot coffee over your interesting bits, a...
Read full storyFrightening impotency
Some psychologists suggest fear is innate; some say it is learned. Whatever. Fear is out there shared by all members of the animal kingdom. If fear is innate, then, it must be active in our DNA as a safety measure. Now, if fear is innate, then, why in other parts of the world, say, Hyde Park, birds would perch on people's heads, while somewhere else, birds, at the sight of a man, send a danger...
Read full storyRabies Outbreak At Fox - The Sequel!
The recent outbreak of rabies, the madness inducing disease spread by biting that has infected the major stars of Fox News Station, has spread far beyond the confines of their offices. In a new evolution of the disease, it appears that it has the...
Read full storyObama Lifts Protections on Endangered Bush and Cheney
In a shocking move by the environmentally sensitive Obama administration, endangerd Bush and Cheney have been exposed by a surprising lifting of protections. Advocates for the Protection of Bush and Cheney denounced the uncharacteristic carelessness...
Read full storyPrince Charles: If Pakis Can't Protect Cricketeers, How will any of us ever be safe?
The tragedy of dead cricket players in Pakistan has evoked a frightened response from the Princox of Wales. Welcher Charlie has received some brutal press since the revelations that he and his boyz from the Royalhood have intolerant attitudes and pra...
Read full storyLimp Buns of Steele: Rush to Asskiss
As President Obama hits the heights of unprecedented approval ratings for leadership and bipartisan efforts, the Republicant Party seems to be digging itself deeper and deeper in the mire of lost political influence and bankrupt moral authority.
Read full storyCrafty chimps snag troop recruit with tool
SAN DIEGO, California - Rebbecca Lebête has been missing for about two months from her suburban home in San Diego. Her anthropological study of a troop of monkeys has turned serious. Rebbecca noted that the chimps use their teeth to make a brush...
Read full storyVermont Becomes the USA's First Stimulus Casualty
Montpelier VT: The Vermont State Legislature has overwhelmingly passed a law petitioning the Federal Government for a second US House of Representatives seat. The legislators felt that the State of Utah doesn't need another US House Representative, a...
Read full storyIt's Geoff Boycott's Corridor of Uncertainty
Hello and welcome to my corridor of uncertainty. This week I have a letter from Sharron Milner of Brighouse: Dear Mr Boycott I am a fifteen year old who has just given birth. I am going to have to give up school. Please can you give advice to others who might have the same accident? Well, fifteen and pregnant, eh? She were playing too loose. No wonder she got c...
Read full storyMichael Douglas Denies Starting It All
"Greed is Good", said Gordon Brown in the hit movie Wall Street, and now the actor that played him, Michael Douglas, is coming under fire for starting the runaway free market banking which has caused worldwide recession. "I've had to live with the...
Read full storyRihanna's Family Not Happy With Chris Brown Reconciliation
Rihanna may have spent the weekend in Miami with Chris Brown, but her family isn't quite ready for the tumultuous couple to reunite, at least not this soon. "Everyone wants them to take a break, to cool off," a relative of Rihanna stated after the...
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