Former Manchester United star and England captain David Beckham today admitted that he couldn't actually play football.
'It's true', he said, I can't ackcherly ply the gyme. I can't pass the ball, I can't head it, and I daren't go into a tackle in case the trouble and strife's stockings get into a twist. Even at school I couldn't ply football, but I got picked 'cos I was good at free kicks 'n stuff.' But his wife, former pop star Victoria 'Common Spice' Beckham, disagreed with him.
'There's nuffink wrong with me accent, or Dyvid's one, mate. When I wuz singging in the Spice Girls the producer said I sahnded like a demented sheep with heartburn, but -' When one journalist pointed out that the interview was about her husband, and his admittance to not being able to play football, she stormed out of the room into a cleaning cupboard.
Beckham's former boss Sir Alex Ferguson said: 'Beckham? Of course he coudnae play the game, but his free kicks is why I signed him. That and the fact that I fancied Victoria, and have had 11 love children with her, all named after my Ibrox heroes.'
And another former Man U captain, Steve Bruce, added: 'He was fookin' shite, like, the biggest ponce to ever wear the red shirt. Nauseating little squek, I used to punch him in the head when we lost a game, he was a passenger and a sap. And the gaffer used him as target practice too, with tea cups every Saturday afternoon, ye kna'.'
And the footballer himself agreed with all the comments, saying: 'Moy accent is the moust insipid one since them Small Fyces brought aht 'Lyzy Sunday Arfternoon', if ownly I could ply football as good as they could lampoon Mockney accents. It were reet good to 'ere sooch manly groofness in me musical 'eroes, bah gum. Oops, been watching Emmerdale again. Victoria, get out my 'Learn Yourself Estuary English, Mate' tape again, will ya?' 'OK, Dyvid.' 'Ow Ky.'
David Beckham will be following Vinnie Jones into the American acting profession soon, to star in 'Lock, Stock, and Two Sawt Of, You Know, Smokingk Barrels, If You Down't Mind, Please, Thank You.'
