OMFFG! Senator Ted Kennedy is Vanessa George Bush's father
Washington AC/DC - (Lurid Cold Whore Ass Mess): Democrat Father of the House and drunken lying cheating Opus Dei-fellating scumbag Senator Ted Kennedy has tested DNA positive for the paternity of top UK hate figure Vanessa George Bush. Bush, 39, h...
Read full storyReal Madrid to buy Newcastle United
Florentino Perez the President of Spanish giants and spendaholics Real Madrid has vowed to continue to splash the cash this summer. Not satisfied with twice breaking the world transfere record in quick succession Perez has apparently responded to New...
Read full storyAfter David Carradine's Death, Bangkok Police warn Men not to Answer this Singles ad
Bangkok, Thailand - No matter how alluring this singles ad: "SAF Looking to Choke and Chuff your Chubby in a Bangkok Hotel Closet. Discretion Optional", Bangkok police are strongly advising men not to answer it. At least that is the warning they are...
Read full storyHob-Nobs And 'Britishness' Take Poland By Storm
A new phenomenon has surfaced in Poland - Britishness. With recession-hit Poles returning to their homeland in droves, many of them find life without Britishness hard to adjust to. So they've taken a piece of old Blighty with them. In their hearts...
Read full storyChastity Bono To Become Chaz Boner
Beverly Hills, CA - Reports are coming out of Los Angeles that the daughter of Sonny Bono and Cher is going to change her gender. Chastity Bono, born in...69, currently looking like she was separated at birth from the late comedian John Candy, has ch...
Read full storyTroglodyte Politicus Re-appears
We all know that Trolls are friendly, cuddly creatures who bring happiness and good luck. Not so the Troglodyte and its many variants, of which the most dangerous and noisome is the Troglodyte Politicus. Troglodyte Politicus is an unusually tough...
Read full storyInsider Blows Lid On Ronaldo Real Deal
A Manchester United insider with close links to Doris, who makes the tea at Old Trafford today offered to 'blow the lid' off Cristiano Ronaldo's £80 million transfer to Real Madrid. All Alan Shackleton wanted for his earth-shattering story was sev...
Read full storyPsychic jails self - says "I would have done it"
Liverpool clairvoyant Derek Acorah has taken the unusual step of checking into HM Prison Kendal without having been charged with an offence or sentenced to a term of incarceration. Acorah has taken this action because he has predicted that he will...
Read full storySerial Killer Cat Stalks Miami
Miami, Fl - A Serial killer cat is stalking Miami and leaving the inhabitants quaking in their flip-flops. Miami-Dade County police have issued an all points bulletin regarding an unregistered Persian that goes by the name of 'Felix'. He is wanted...
Read full storyIran President Ima Dinnerjacket Wants To Tour With Susan Boyle
Tehran, Iran - Iranian President MacMoody Ima Dinnerjacket says that if he loses the election Friday, he wants to tour with Susan Boyle. Speaking on assurances that his words would not hit the press until after the election, Mr. Ima Dinnerjacket s...
Read full storyWorld Healthscare Organisation declares global swine 'flu pandemic
The WHO, based in Wapping and Fleet Street in London, today declared that swine 'flu is now a pandemic. It means that at least two news stories that embarrass the Government can be buried every month. WHO chief Dr Gorbals Proper-Gander, speaking f...
Read full storyGay "American Idol" Runner-Up "Gay" Adam Lambert Admits He Is Gay!
Gay "American Idol" runner-up Gay Adam Lambert finally addresses the intense speculation about his gay sexuality and reveals why he waited until now to publicly announce it in the upcoming issue of "Rolling Stone Magazine Featuring Gay Adam Lambert!"...
Read full storyThe Donald Fires Miss California
Miss California Carrie Prejean has finally got fired by The Donald, according to The National Inquisitor! Trump, according to the Inquisitor, claims she was fired because "she hadn't been holding up her end ...uh..of the agreement she signed when s...
Read full storySwine Flu Pandemic Is Official - WHO Demands More Pork Barrel Spending
Geneva, Switzerland - As World Health Organization officials announce a Swine Flu pandemic, their underlings are mounting a furious call for an influx of cash. Many see it as a good reason to upgrade their offices and facilities. The last world pande...
Read full storyMuscle Competition Cancelled: Body Mass Desertion
Asse Belgium (FTB newswire) The Belgian Bodybuilders Competition was suddenly cancelled when competitors fled the arena. Shortly before show time, pumped up contestants ran like girly-men at the sight of a local doping official. Fans were left flexin...
Read full storyDay 22,594 of the expenses scandal: Welsh MP Rhys Huelin
A Welsh MP, named Rhys Huelin, has recently been found to have claimed £20,000 expenses on his second home, and an obscene amount on various personal items. The Daily Express recently exposed Huelin's fraudulent claims, as are shown below:- £20...
Read full storyNew democracy Initiative
In an unsurprising leak from number 10 today the Prime Minister has affirmed his fervent belief in the basic democratic idea of "One Man, One Vote". Unfortunately he has misconstrued this idea in that he believes he is that man and he has that vote.
Read full storyJoanna Lumley - "I was a Gurkha"
In a shock announcement, Joanna Lumley has revealed that she served in the ranks of the Royal Gurkha Rifles as Rifleman Limbahadur Gurung. Ms Lumley served for 12 years in the 40's and 50's and rose to the rank of Lance Corporal. She was posted to...
Read full storyThe Fuhrer addresses mass Nazi Party rally in Dudley
The leader of the Nazi Party, Adick Griffler, today took to the stage in Dudley in the Blackshirt Country, to make his annual Egg Farm Putsch speech to his followers. 'People of Britain!', he opened, to the tens of thousands of empty seats at the...
Read full storyWHO 'to declare global swine flu pandemic'
There is likely to be the declaration of the first pandemic in 40 years expected after an emergency WHO meeting held in Geneva. Following the announcement to the world's media, a moribund Pete Townshend said that he was only sorry that Keith Moon...
Read full storyVanessa George Bush 'the most hated woman in the UK'
Plymouth - (Tasteless Filthy Ass Mess): Kiddie porn accused Vanessa George Bush has become the nation's top hate figure replacing iconic stalwarts such as Myra Hindley and Karen Matthews. The Little Ted Kennedy's nursery worker appeared before Pl...
Read full storySpoof Writer to Star in 'Groundhog Day' Remake
HOLLYWOOD, CA - A spoof writer so far only known by his screen name, Vow of Obstinance, has been cast by The San Francisco Onion to fill a role once played to perfection by Bill Murray. In this computer-screen, spoofed adaptation, Vow of Obstinanc...
Read full storyJoanna Lumley to be made dame
A government spokesman - his face set in a permanent smile - announced to a crowded press conference today that Joanna Lumley is to be created a dame. He went on to explain "Look - if you are going to be humiliated into a total reversal of a poli...
Read full storyDonald Trump To Miss California: "You're Fired! Give Me Your Sash and Tiara"
NEW YORK CITY - Donald Trump's support of Carrie Prejean, the reigning Miss California has gone out the window. The Trumpster dumped her in the dumpster like a hot tamale. An aide to Mr. Trump, who owns the Miss USA Pageant, said that he overheard...
Read full storyCarrie Prejean Fired and Must Return Breast Implants
Shirley Knott: HOLLYWOOD - Carrie Prejean has been fired by Donald Trump for ignoring her duties as Miss California, and Trump is insisting that she surrender both her crown and the silicone breast implants paid for with Miss California pageant funds...
Read full storyTexan Tasered Senior Citizen is Healed
A 72 year old woman suffering from a chronic loss of orgasmic function reported that her once prolific ability to climax was miraculously restored by the administration of a taser shock from a young Austin Texas constable. The sexsually disable...
Read full storyAmerican Fascists Turn to Acts of Terror
The rise of American Fascism has been predicted by some since the extreme militarism and big business domination of the Bush-Cheney co- Presidency. The far right wing discrimination against women seemed to confirm the emergence of a US fascist ph...
Read full storyArea man pleased with yard
Boulder , CO - Despite recessions and job layoffs, Boulder native Bob Plumb is quite pleased with how his yard looks. His lawn is short, hedges are trim, and not a drop of dog shit anywhere. "I can't believe how it looks this year!" Said the 62 y...
Read full storyIdol Runner Up Adam Lambert Realizes He's Queer
Adam Lambert told Gathers No Moss magazine that he always knew he was different. He thought his penchant for make-up was just a KISS thing. The limp wrist he suspected was inherited from his Uncle Nancy who was a spectacular Cricket bowler. The wiggl...
Read full storyCarrie Prejean Enjoys Night of Debauchery, Rebellion in San Francisco
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Residents of Fog City were shocked last night when Carrie Prejean showed up in full pageant attire, ready to paint the town red. Fresh from being relieved of her Miss California title by "Old Mack" Donald Trump (presumably for...
Read full storyBaby Donald Trump III Fires His Parents
The Donald Trump the Seconds have decided to pull up stakes from one of Daddy's luxurious hi rises but the greedy parasites' grab for a bigger and better portion of the dole was not without consequences. Their near new born, Donald Trump the Third re...
Read full storyAmanda Holden lingerie pictures story to be retracted
A lawsuit by Amanda Holden and her husband Desmond Tutu against peeping-Tom paparazzo working for the London Daily Soft-porn News has the print and online media scrambling to expunge her images from their pages. 'Actress' Amanda Holden claimed in...
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