World Healthscare Organisation declares global swine 'flu pandemic

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 11 June 2009

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The WHO, based in Wapping and Fleet Street in London, today declared that swine 'flu is now a pandemic. It means that at least two news stories that embarrass the Government can be buried every month.

WHO chief Dr Gorbals Proper-Gander, speaking from a wine bar in Cricklewood, in London, said: 'This year alone hundreds of thousands of people have died due to colonial wars, car crashes, starvation, typhoons, hurricanes, murders, illnesses, and being mauled by crocodiles. And that's just in Cricklewood.'

'But the minute we heard 141 people have died from swine 'flu - its scientific name is convenientum mediae filla - around the planet, we had to drop our reporting of Government expenses scandals and mass-murdering Israelis, and even drop Barack Obama's latest drivelling soundbites.'

'Though we couldn't drop Queens, could we, that's more important than, well, what Michelle Obama was wearing at today's Americo-Croatian piranha farming talks in Zagreb, of course.'

Many people have noticed that the WHO's healthscares always seem to occur after a week's slating of the Labour Government by the press, usually about its corruption, lying and thieving, but of course this was denied by Labour's Minister of Healthscares.

'I deny it', Mrs Porcqui Pie said, from her taxpayers'-funded mansion in Sussex, 'it's all just a coincidence. Look! Oh, three swine just 'flu past the window behind you, bad luck you missed it. Well, must dash, eight more healthscares to compose before bedtime.'

Previous healthscares in recent times include bird 'flu - which after being declared a pandemic that was threatening humanity, killed one seagull in the Orkneys - giraffe 'flu, which caused one giraffe in Shropshire to sneeze, making front page news in all the papers, and egg foo yung 'flu, a rare illness originating in Hong Kong that led to vomiting and stomach cramps in many people.

A minor form of that, Dehli belly, also struck quite a few people at the same time, on a late Friday night, but was easily cured by drinking 12 pints of lager, and spending the next day with a Labrador puppy.

The WHO's announcement is expected to remain in the headlines until the all-clear is blown by Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who reminded the public to keep washing their hands, in case they caught that other pandemic - the one of having uncontrolled fits of stealing and lying that swept across Westminster last week.

Healthscare vaccinations are unlikely to be made available to the general public as of yet, though some Londoners were planning a city-wide 'We're Not Scared Of Healthscares' party next weekend, though none of the Labour Cabinet are expected to attend.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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