Written by Blazing Saddle

Thursday, 11 June 2009

image for Psychic jails self - says "I would have done it"
Not a clairvoyant

Liverpool clairvoyant Derek Acorah has taken the unusual step of checking into HM Prison Kendal without having been charged with an offence or sentenced to a term of incarceration.

Acorah has taken this action because he has predicted that he will commit a criminal offence at 9.46pm on the 14th of June this year for which he will be sentenced to 8 years in prison.

The crime remains unspecified as Acorah is not prepared to disclose the gory details - but he has assured this reporter that it would have been a shocker.

When pressed, Acorah reluctantly told me that the offence would have involved a camel (Bactrian), 127 clothespegs and a small tube of Lanacane foot cream. There is also the possibility that an organic garden salad would have been involved but the connection to the spirit world lost definition before this could fully be revealed.

The offence would have been committed in Leeds and would have meant death for three pipistrelle bats (endangered species) and the immediate banning of the manufacture of clingfilm in the United Kingdom.

Although no deal has been signed, Acorah tells me that his autobiography will be serialised in this newspaper and that it will be a runaway best seller.

When I asked Acorah how long he would stay in jail he refused to reply, saying that he had no way of knowing.

In a shock development Acorah then informed this reporter that a small dark cloud is gathering over me and I have decided to go home to Mum.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Psychic




Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
33 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more