Prophet Mohammed Makes A Profit In Gaza
The Prophet Mohammed - may he be treated like a god, like Christians treat Jesus - today thanked the Israeli Defense Force for making his religion a healthy profit. 'Yes', he said, 'things weren't looking so good for me, then the Israelis started...
Read full storyCrop Circles Found In Woman's Hair
A Shropshire woman had the shock of her life yesterday, when she woke from her slumbers to find crop circles in her hair. Half-asleep mother-of-two, Mary Smith, was making breakfast for her children Amy, 4, and Jack, 2, when her daughter suddenly...
Read full storyObama Airlifted to Walter Reed Army Hospital Suffering from Panic Attack after Security Briefing!
Washington,DC/ Office of the Surgeon General - Democrats are in a turmoil today after President Elect Obama collapsed, in what is being called a severe "Panic Attack" after receiving a joint briefing from the CIA, FBI, SEC, Homeland Security and hea...
Read full storyBBC announces new presenters
After a disastrous year for the BBC, with scandals involving many of their overpaid and talentless presenters, today it announced that Messers Brand, Ross and Clarkson, and others, were to be replaced by new presenters. 'Top Gear' will now be pres...
Read full storyPrince Harry Pocket Money To Be Stopped
Heir to the throne, Prince Charles, has told journalists he was "disgusted" with the racist comments made by his son, Prince Harry, and that he has stopped his pocket money "to focus his mind". Speaking this morning from the balcony at Buckingham...
Read full storyParis Hilton confirms she is a virgin once again
Paris Hilton, chairman of the World Airhead Society, and for some very bizzare reason, known only to readers of trashy gossip magazines and newspapers without much news in (but plenty of bare breasts), a famous person, has announced that she is defin...
Read full storyNo Man Is an Island: A Critique of Individualism
When I came into this world, I was a part of someone. My mother squeezed me out of a small, dark, aqueous environment inside her, and I burst forth into a strange, bright new world of air and unlimited space. My life as a true individual only began the moment the doctor cut the umbilical cord shared by my mother and me. I was helpless; instincts, instructions programmed into the genetic materia...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse Out On The Lash Again
St Lucia, the Caribbean - Troubled diva Amy Winehouse has been seen here at her exclusive resort hideaway chugging on strawberry daiquiris like there's no tomorrow, and frequently ducking into the undergrowth with new squeeze 'Josh' for a series of s...
Read full storyRichard Gere Now California's Biggest Gerbil Breeder
Actor Richard Gere has now gained the distinction of being the largest breeder of gerbils. The small animals are sold in pet stores for pets and as food for snakes and other reptiles. They are also used in scientific experiments and drug testing.
Read full storyThe Dartfast Diet
The World Darts Organisation today brought out its diet book, 'The 7-Day Dartfast Diet', and this is a summary - Day One: Have 20 fried eggs, 20 slices of toast, and smoke 60 cigarettes Day Two: Start the day with 1 chip buttie, followed by 20 ham sandwiches with mustard, then eat 57 bars of chocolate Day Three: 60 black puddings, 60 plates of chips, and 60 cups of sugary tea Day Four:...
Read full storyHow to speak about men and be politically correct
He does not have a beer gut - He has developed a liquid grain storage facility He is not a bad dancer - He is overly Caucasian. He does not get lost all the time - He investigates alternative destinations. He is not balding - He is in follicle regression. He does not act like a total ass - He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion. It's not his crack you see hanging out of hi...
Read full storyHow to speak about women and be politcally correct
She is not a babe or a chick - She is a breasted American. She is not easy - She is horizontally accessible. She is not a dumb blonde - She is a light-haired detour off the information superhighway. She has not been around - She is a previously-enjoyed companion. She does not nag you - She becomes verbally repetitive. She is not a two-bit hooker - She is a low cost provider.
Read full storyMMR nutter Wakefield and pals up before the GMC
London - (Raving Bonkers Mess): Three former Royal Freak Hospital quacks are up before the General Medical Council today defending their autism and legal aid gravy train scam. Dr Andrew Wakefield, Prof Simon Murch and Prof John Walker-Smith are ch...
Read full storyThe Word Chocolate Deemed TOO Offensive by European Union.
Following the comments made on an old video made by Prince Harry, while serving in the British Army as a cadet Officer at Sandhurst, the word 'Chocolate' is now considered to be TOO offensive by the European Union. Do-gooders in Brussels have said; "...
Read full storyCongress Approves Stool Tax To Fight Global Warming
(Washington DC) Congress approved today a special Stool Tax to help fight global warming. A $10.00 tax on stools was issued for everyone over the age of eighteen. The new law was the last one signed by George W. Bush and takes effect immediately.
Read full storyHarry's rehabilitation kicks off with 'Slumdog II' star role
London - (Racist Ass Mess): Prince Harry's is to star in a Bollywood sequel 'Slumdog Millionaire II'. The offer to rehabilitate himself from a foul-mouthed racist Nazi thug to a multiculturally diverse-thinking ethnically-sensitive new puppet mona...
Read full storyPierced Testicle Craze Sweeps University Campuses
At first, the only thing that people (mostly women and sailors) had pierced was their earlobes. This traveled all around the ears and eventually migrated to tongues, lips, eyebrows, nipples, and other body parts. The latest craze is now the pierc...
Read full storyAlec Baldwin Admits To Addictions In New Book
Alec Baldwin, known for his movie roles in The Hunt For Red October, The Good Shepherd and The Departed, admitted in a new book out by Christopher Kennedy Lawford, that not only has he had to overcome alcohol addiction but also snorting coke and spen...
Read full storyAuto Show Shocker
Old-time radio hobbyists are abuzz over the latest prototype vehicle from Chrysler which was unveiled today at the 2009 Detroit Auto Show. Marking the 110th anniversary of the event, the Motor City's third biggest car maker showed off its revolutiona...
Read full storyObama Ignores Bible, Will Swear In On Koran
When Barack Hussein Obama is sworn in as President of the United States, he will not have one hand on the Bible (a tradition dating back to George Washington). He will, instead, take the oath of office with one hand on the Koran (the scripture book...
Read full storyPortsmouth abandon Manchester City clash
Saturday's Premiership clash between Pompey and Manchester City was abandoned when referee Mike Dean visited Frampton Park ahead of the game and discovered a tribe of Inuit living on the pitch. The Inuit normally live in Alaska, but had chosen to...
Read full storyGerman Meteorologists Warn Against Peircings In Record Cold
After Slovenia set a low record temperature of -49C this past weekend, Slovenia Media have reported recommendations of the meteorological institute of Germany, which says that body piercings could cause people who venture outside in very cold weather...
Read full storyShock and awe at Golden Globe awards
There was as much astonishment and surprise as there was traditional admiration at this year's Golden Globe awards handed out in Hollywood recently. T he usual toasting and glad handing for winners (and unlucky nominees) was witnessed and everybod...
Read full storyPrince Harry Liberates Millions Of Ordinary People Who Thought They Were Being Racist
Prince Harry, the nation's favourite ginger-haired person, is being vaunted as a liberator this morning, after it was officially announced by the government that his racist comments about Pakis weren't racist at all, but just good, clean, wholesome f...
Read full storyVerne Cleans Up in Big Bro
HE MAY be microscopic in stature but Big Brother hot favourite Verne Troyer is making big noises in the Big Brother house. Verne, measuring in at 2ft 8 inches tall, needs special assistance to make himself heard in the Diary Room. He can't re...
Read full storyWindows Seven Released
Microsoft unveiled Windows 7 on Saturday, demonstrating the multitude of features that the new version of the operating system has to offer. The overwhelming of the download servers is not Microsoft's biggest headache for the new product though. "...
Read full storySnowman Goes Berserk And Attacks Two Kids
Madison WI-- An angry snowman lost its mind over the weekend and began attacking the two boys that created it. Madison detectives say the snowman became enraged after the boys used a carrot to make its nose. The little brothers weren't hurt. They...
Read full storyNew Apple Toaster
Apple have decided to move out of the computer lab and into the kitchen - Apple's latest invention is the iToast toaster. "We've examined the concept of the toaster from the ground up to see what people really want out of a toaster, and built a ma...
Read full storySimon Cowell To Interfere In Snooker Demise
Simon Cowell, the X-Factor judge, and of many other such trashy, throwaway talentless competitions, is tonight involved in consultations with Snooker's governing body, to thrash out a rescue plan for the dying sport. Yes, that's right, "a dying sp...
Read full storyKate Winslet Wins Award
Kate Winslet won two awards last night. The actress won a Golden Globe for her portrayal of somebody or other in a film which was almost certainly about something or other. But more significantly, the actress picked up the award for 'Most Nause...
Read full storySnoop Dogg Millionaire Wins Award At Carlisle Film Festival
The short film, 'Snoop Dogg Millionaire' has won an award at the fourth annual Carlisle Film Festival. The eight minute film, directed by Fred Spielburger won the award for 'Best Film About A Talentless Rapper Who Made Millions Out Of Preaching St...
Read full storyArmy A Racist Institution - Shock, Horror
Hot on the heels of Prince Harry's racist video shame, in which he used such endearingly affectionate terms as 'Paki' and 'Raghead' come allegations that the army is a racist institution. Professor Finneas Fogg of Liverpool University (surely a co...
Read full storyMan Arrested Sexual Charges
Poland - A contortionist was accused of having sex with himself pleaded not guilty to charges Friday. Chelsey Bindle, 19, of Richedile, is accused of having multiple sex with himself that began when he was able to bend over backwards. Bindle wa...
Read full storyAccrington Alien Invasion Ends With A Whimper Not A Bang
Accrington - It is with some relief that this reporter can confirm that the alien invasion of Accrington Lancs is finally over. Following days of ray gun fire, death ray useage, light sabre duelling, golf club abuse and other related malarkey, the...
Read full storyShock EU Toilet Paper Directive
In a move designed to promote health and hygeine the EU have announced that from April 2009 all toilet paper will be printed with instructions urging users to fit toilet paper so that it rolls off the FRONT of the roll rather than the back. Spoke...
Read full storyTwin Brother Goes Against the "Bros Before Hos" Code
Dearest Madame Bitters, I'm so upset with my twin brother and my girlfriend that I just don't know what to do! "Staci" and I have been going together since junior year of high school and she's the only girl I've ever loved. We're both 20 now and lately we've been talking about marriage. I thought everything was fine but three days ago she told me that she and my brother "Keith" have been have b...
Read full storyBATF raids FDA over its aspartame
WASHINGTON, DC - Mr. Joe Shexpeck, cab driver, reported that heavily armed agents from the BATF raided the offices of the FDA last night. Dr. Strangedeath of the FDA explained: the BATF being the agency responsible for the control of alcohol, they...
Read full storyKicked Down Under
Canterbury - A skateboarder and a teenage grandfather survived separate genital attacks in New England this morning, just two weeks after a taxi driver was believed to have been kicked in the testicles by a large Kangaroo in the country's west end.
Read full storyDarts Player Pins Opponent To Board
There was chaos tonight during the final of the British Darts World Championship when one of the finalists threw a dart at his opponent, pinning him to the dartboard with his first dart, and then scoring two match-winning bullseyes with his second an...
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