Medical Schools Forced to Lower Their Standards
Faced with increased tuition, declining enrollment and a lack of qualified candidates, medical schools across the country have been forced to drastically lower their admissions standards in order to attract incoming students. Spokespeople from pre...
Read full storyMasterchef Cut
Following the closing of four restaurants by celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson due to the economic climate, the current series of Masterchef has been cut short. The BBC programme, which is not connected to Mr. Worrall Thompson in any way, is...
Read full storyObama orders Cadillac One to be "pimped"
Incoming US President and Saviour Of The World Barak Obama has ordered the Presidential Limo (known as Cadillac One, "The Beast" and "Obamamobile") to be "pimped" to his specification. It is believed that Obama is upset that when the car is sitti...
Read full storyMan revealed to have drowned in snow he thought was cocaine
When Seamus O'Flaherty from Galway was found face-down, dead in the snow outside Terminal 5 at London's Heathrow airport yesterday, it was first thought that he may have been mugged, stabbed, knocked over, drunk or simply died of natural causes waiti...
Read full storyBAFTA Slip Some In
BBC viewers of the British Academy of Film and Television Arts Awards, sponsored by Orange, were tricked into missing several of the presentations when the first part of the programme was shown on BBC2 and the second half on BBC1. In the gap between...
Read full storyLet's Ask Tracey!
Dear Tracey, I desperately want to have another baby but my husband feels that having only one child is perfect for our family. Now that our son is three, I can't stop looking at pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. I've tried everything I can think of to convince him but he still says no. I don't want to trick him into another baby but I'll do whatever it takes to get what I want.
Read full storyShould I Smoke Dope?
The other night Dave and I were watching the BBC AMERICA channel. We stumbled across a program called Should I Smoke Dope? Hooked by the title I was instantly intrigued and wondered why I had not been watching this channel more often. Really? A whole show about pot? We got comfortable on the couch and sent the kids upstairs to play. Neither of them have gone through the D.A.R.E. program at scho...
Read full storyTeen queen, Brenda Song & Rob Pattinson spotted on a date!
Teen queen, Brenda Song and Twilight hottie Rob Pattinson have been spotted on a romantic date in Studio City, Hollywood. Earlier this week, Brenda was seen at Rob's new $3 million apartment in Tribeca. The stars shared an ice cream bowl. The paparaz...
Read full storyJerry Springer: I Shall Not Return
After two seasons, talk-show titan Jerry Springer will not be returning as host of summer reality juggernaut America's Got Talent, he said in a statement. He lists commitments to his talk show, over a dozen concussions from thrown chairs, a recur...
Read full storyBob Dylan, Carol Burnett Weekend At Bernie's (Madoff)
A family member has called the police to say that some people are up in Bernie Madoff's Penthouse and they're afraid Bernie is being worked over for "stealing money from all those people." Neighbors have reported a loud scream every once in awhil...
Read full storyeBay up for sale
San Jose, CA - eBay Inc admitted today that it had put itself on the market following a unanimous decision by the board to step down to pursue philanthropic enterprises. Ebay's share price rallied by over 18% with the news, but dropped and steadie...
Read full storyPete breaks up with Ashlee for Duff?
It appears that Ashlee Simpson , 24, and Pete Wentz ,29, have split up, after Ashlee gave birth to son Bronx Mowgli Wentz last year in November. When Ashlee was asked about it, she said that "things really weren't working out. We were fighting a...
Read full storyHillary Clinton slaps French President's wife
The newly appointed Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has reportedly slapped the French President's wife Carla Bruni Sarkozy last night in New York. They were attending a fund raising dinner held in the aid of procrastinator's around the world wh...
Read full storyMcCain Takes Shot At Obama
Sen. John McCain took his most direct shot at President Barack Obama since the presidential campaign on Friday morning, using a Senate floor speech to criticize the president for mocking the Republican concerns over the massive economic stimulus pack...
Read full storyAnn Coulter's lovely unloveliness
Somebody says, "I remember when Ann Coulter was very lovely; what she do?; get old?" Someone else says, "Goodness, gracious me, no. You can't blame age for this. The passage of time just adds lines and wrinkles, and some cute curlicues. This is something else". Suddenly, out of nowhere, Ann Coulter appears, and everyone begins to stare at Ann Coulter. Somebody says, "I can barely breat...
Read full storyNew Member for United Nations
In a strange twist in international politics today, The United Nations voted in the Tesco Corporation as the 193rd member of the General Assembly. Although Tesco does not fit the usual understanding of what constitutes a nation state, it seems tha...
Read full storyParis Hilton to adopt
It was reported yesterday that , Paris Hilton, yes, Paris, is going to adopt. "She's seen Nicole with Harlow, so I guess she, well, got a little jealous , maybe..." says a rep for Hilton. Rumor has it that the child might be a 6 month old from...
Read full storyBarclays' secret payment secrets
Rumours circulating in parliament this morning suggested that the British Government has contacted the board of Barclays Bank demanding an immediate explanation on recent bonus payments. It follows revelations in today's papers that Barclays had pa...
Read full storyCIA warns Barack Obama that UK terrorists 'like Charles, Wills and Harry' are the biggest threat to the US
Langley, Va - (AssoCIAted mess): Spooks at the CIA's oxymoronic President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) HQ have warned President Obama about the dangers of continuing Bush Administration appeasement of ruthless scumbag terrorists...
Read full storyCyrus denies pregnancy rumors
Miley Cyrus, 16, has denied rumors that she's pregnant. "If I was pregnant, I would say something, but I'm not , so.." says Cyrus. Miley was recently seen walking outside of an L.A. restaurant, with a weird look on her face, like she's hiding...
Read full storyMilitary Bake Sale a Success!
Washington D.C.-The eternal debate over guns or butter took a unexpected twist today, dashing the hopes of the butter-minded. The Pentagon's efforts to raise money by holding a bake sale has produced amazing results! At the end of a three day effort...
Read full storyPandemic Identified - Obama sees the light
In a speech given to a group of school veterans who were starving as they huddled around their books, considered turning them into soup, President Obama gave another of his encouraging and enlightened speeches. "There has been a dramatic change of...
Read full storyFertility Clinic In India Investigated
After still another 60-year-old woman in the Western Canadian city of Calgary had given birth to twins after going to India for fertility treatments, the Canadian Broadcasting Corp reported on its website on Wednesday that the clinic is being investi...
Read full storyObama: Mission Accomplished!
Washington D.C. - Flush with the success of having his stimulus package pass the house, President Obama today gave a self-congratulatory speech on the steps of the United States Treasury Department under a banner proudly proclaiming: "Mission Accompl...
Read full storyIsrael Invade Mouth at Arabian League
Hariri Snr. is in hospital tonight after a moment of madness at the Arabian League of Extraordinary Gentlemens annual meeting. It is reported that Hariri choked on a toy soldier during the meeting, throwing the talks off schedule at a crucial mom...
Read full storyPremiership: Six Match Officials from Next Season
The Premier League today announced a radical change to all Premiership matches for the 2010/2011 Season. Chief Executive Richard Scudamore, presenting the plans at a Gloucester Place press conference, explained that all Premier League matches wi...
Read full storyBlair to return to Government
Tony Blair has sensationally turned his back on his quest to become Pope, in order to return to public office within the Gordon Brown's beleaguered government. "The one-eyed Scottish idiot is making a real hash of things", smirked a jubilant Tony...
Read full storySave the Economy by Giving Money Straight to the Economists
Keynesian economist Maximillian Deepockets explained to NPR analyst Melissa Makeover his take on the present recession. "The Keynesian theory is that if the government puts in a financial stimulus it will get people out spending again." Melissa: "So you think that people would spend their hard earned money instead of saving it?" "Yes." "But why should people spend money on things...
Read full storyQuick! Free Money!
Wow, Jesus, this is headline news for sure. Did you know that, after one SIMPLE PAYMENT to an online conglomerate, you can earn THOUSANDS? Why didn't anyone else know? Why aren't you all RICH? Apparently by sending one LITTLE CHEQUE to cover administration costs, you can receive £14,000 every single week. More than a CHAMPIONSHIP GOALKEEPER. This is AMAZING. The whole economy will be drastic...
Read full storyDamien Duff Regains the Use of His Legs
Following last weeks disturbing revelation that the Newcastle star has become the latest Premier league player to develop 'collapsing leg syndrome' (or CLS as it is now being called in Physiotherapist' surgeries across the nation), fans and Physios a...
Read full storyDavid James Loses Use of Arms
Tony Adams, the worried Portsmouth Manager was put under further pressure tonight after today's game against Liverpool where it was proved that finally, after a long and distinguished career, 38 year-old David James has lost the use of his arms.
Read full storyPhelps Shatters Two More World Records
LAS VEGAS, NV - Olympic Gold medalist and world record setting swimmer Michael Phelps proved tonight he is no "one trick pony." At a competition in Las Vegas, Phelps held in a bong hit for a whopping 3 minutes and 28 seconds, annoying the timekee...
Read full storyKevin Pietersen Earns Fantastic Nickname Of 'Dumb Slog Millionaire'
Former England cricket captain Kevin Pietersen, the man who was auctioned-off for £1.55million to Bangalore owner Vijay Mallya last week, has set tongues wagging on the Indian sub-continent, and has already earned himself the interesting nickname of...
Read full storyScience out of step with public opinion
Scientists and experts have once again clashed with public opinion. The Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) has examined the scientific evidence for the classification of ecstacy and are to recommend that ecstacy be downgraded to a Clas...
Read full storyMaggie's Carol to Write Mr Golliwog Goes to Washington
Former Prime Minister Margaret "Old Ironsides" Thatcher claimed that she raised her daughter Carol right:" In our home we called a frog a frog, a spade a spade and a golliwog a golliwog, by Saint George!" And such breeding came to light this week as...
Read full storyItaly's Berlusconi Names Himself Il Duce Di Life and Death
Italy's President Silvio Berlusconi has elevated himself to the position of master of life and death. The politician who has been accused of corruption hundreds of times now claims the moral wisdom to insist that a dying person whose family wishes on...
Read full storyMadonna Claims A-Rod's Balls Are Shrunken
"His testicles are the size of marbles and twice as hard." This the testimony given by his lover Madonna at the steroid trial of Yankee Alex Rodriguez. When Madonna was asked how she knew about the shrunken balls of the baseball phenom, she blush...
Read full storyBush Threatens War, Brokers Peace
It has not been an easy transition to private life for former president George Bush.He wakes up each morning wondering where his valet is and why breakfast isn't ready yet. He wanders the parched acres of his Crawford Texas ranch wondering why the ro...
Read full storyAirlines to begin charging $7 for every thirty minutes of breathing air
Airline travelers might want to begin taking deeper breaths during their flights, because next week, the term "paying through the nose" will take on greater meaning. Citing cutbacks and recessionary conditions, the major airlines have decided to take...
Read full storyEngland's cricketers were high as kites
The Cricket world is reeling in shock at the news that the entire England team were out of their "bonces" on marijuana just before they went into bat for their second innings against West Indies. England were all out for 51 and lost the first Test...
Read full storyJapanese Police Are Looking For Mii
It now appears that the police in southern Japan are just too cheap to have a regular police sketch artist. That's because the police in question in this incident decided to use the Nintendo Wii's Mii creation feature to make an avatar that "looks" l...
Read full storyLibrarian Blames Bad Economy on Unpaid Fines
Sandra Beckle, Head Librarian at the Clinton Williams Library, says that the downfall of the economy can be directly traced to unpaid book fines, a financial staple for libraries. "We need people to pay their fines for the good of the economy. T...
Read full storyPals: Demi's new boyfriend a bad choice
Pals of TV star Demi Lovato say her new boyfriend is a bad choice! Lovato, 16, is now supposedly dating a guy from somewhere in New Jersey, his name is Chris Thomson. "We don't think he's right for her, BUT it's not our choice to make, that's...
Read full storyGod authored unearthed documents in Jerusalem
Jerusalem - Rare documents were uncovered by archeologists this week believed to have been written by God prior to His creation of heaven and earth. Professor Calloused Hands, an archeologist teaching at the University of Wailing Wall in Jerusale...
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