God authored unearthed documents in Jerusalem

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Sunday, 8 February 2009


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Professor Calloused Hands - Archeologist

Jerusalem - Rare documents were uncovered by archeologists this week believed to have been written by God prior to His creation of heaven and earth.

Professor Calloused Hands, an archeologist teaching at the University of Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, and 2 graduate students, discovered what they believe is the actual documents God used when planning and creating the heaven and earth.

C-14 and potassium-argon testing put the document's date at the time thought to be the correct one. However, depending on your point of view, creationists believe the universe was created, in geological time, yesterday, and evolutionists believe that the universe was created via the Big Bang Theory at least a few days before that. Whatever your belief, the documents the professor and his team discovered lends credibility to earth's creation by God not long ago, and in the planning stage no less.

More importantly, are the diary-like contents of the documents, explaining step by step what God was going to do as he created the heavens and earth over an 8 day period. Yes, I said "8" day period, dispelling the old belief that the heaven, and earth were created in 6 days, and 1 more day for rest.

We bring you excerpts of those documents, as space permits, for the first time right here. We had Professor Lin Gui Stic of the University of Singarich, China, an obscure world renowned translator and pasta expert, notate a copy of the documents so we could understand what they say. Professor Stic also noted that at the top of the first page is what looked to him like a "grade," a grade of C-, probably upsetting God too, and screwing up his GPA, which may account for some of the problems humans now face from time to time.

The following was taken from Professor Stic's translation:

On the Planning of Urban Cosmos, the Making of Heaven and Earth
By God

Preamble to the first day. Sound ambiguous. This will also give them problems pinpointing actual dates and times. (Note to self: Don't let them find the Ark, ever). I'll be creating the heavens and earth, but hold off saying that it was good because I just don't know yet, plus, I have to find a whole hell of a lot of dirt, boulders, and water to pull this off.

On the first day, I'll be creating day and night, so I can see what the heck I'm doing, and get some frickin' sleep at night for Christ's sake. I'll be remarking that this is good because it will be. I'll also remind Satan that the night time is his on a limited basis, instructions and temptations to follow.

On the second day, I'll be separating the sky from the water so when I put the creepy crawly things down there they won't think they're hallucinating or something. Looks like a short day. Idleness is the Devils playground, so I'll continue working and create land by bulldozing a whole lot of frickin' dirt into the water with my sky-dozer. I can't have all the creepy crawly things I need to make be swimmers. I'll call the land portion, "the hood," and the wet part the sea, see? Tell them here that you "saw that it was good."

On the third day, I'll have to plant some veggies and stuff for the creepy crawly things so they can have groceries to eat. This is going to take some time, unless I make some illegal aliens and have them do the planting. (Note to self: illegals). Damn, their gonna find the pot and poppy plants. May not be a good idea. (Note to self: hold off on illegals). Say here that I saw, but have reservations about it being good. Damn aliens.

On the fourth day I've got a mind to make the whole planet summer time, but then what would the frickin' Eskimos do? And those morons that went to the Arctic Circle, and froze to death? What, to learn how to make igloos? It's not like MTV is going to go there to check out the "cribs." (Note: Say you saw and that it was good anyway as a confidence builder).

On the fifth day, I'll create all the creepy crawly things to inhabit the earth, and equip some of them with wings to harass the creepy crawly things on land in the hoods. They aren't going to like it, but someone's gotta do it. I know, tell them to be fruitful and multiply like rabbits. That will keep them busy and happy for a while.

On the sixth day, I'll create some more creepy crawly things, but they will rule over the beasts of the forests and jungles, over the sea creatures, and the things with wings, except mosquitoes, who will harass the others. These other ruling creepy crawly things will be called men, women, transsexuals, hermaphrodites, gays, lesbians, democrats, and republicans. But I'll tell you, I am going to have a problem breathing life into the "nostrils" of these people. What, am I supposed to put my mouth over their noses and blow air in them? No, no, no. I don't need any snot backwash in my mouth, thank you. I am refusing to create Adam and Eve, my original prototypes of man and woman. In trials, both of them ate fruit like pigs, and copulated so much that Satan was embarrassed. Satan wouldn't participate in the trials by crawling into the Garden of Eden as a snake for fear that Eve would use him as a dildo. The final straw came when I caught Adam and Eve trying to smoke the apples and get high. Anyway, I'll say I saw and it was good because Adam and Eve are in rehab and out of the picture.

On the seventh day, I'll be so God-damned tired a rest is in order, so I call this day the "personal day." Looking around, I'll hope it's still all good.

On the eight day, I'll have to make some laws around this place, so I'll create the Supreme Court of the United States, and stock it with creepy crawly things called judges who can tap dance, and generally ramble on for hours without saying anything of importance. When they write their legal opinions, they are instructed to be so cryptic that no one will be able to figure out what they said, or why, not even them. This is being done so the laws are extremely difficult to change. (Note: Satan just phoned and asked me to create administrative agencies to help the creepy crawly things of the earth). I'll do it, but I am having reservations. And, when I am finished, I'll say I saw and it was good.

Professor Hands and his students tell me that they will be studying the documents for years to come, and expect to develop a better understanding of God's psychological state when He created the Heavens and earth. We will bring you the updates as they become available.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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