Let's Ask Tracey!

Sunday, 8 February 2009


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Dear Tracey,

I desperately want to have another baby but my husband feels that having only one child is perfect for our family. Now that our son is three, I can't stop looking at pregnant women and wishing I was one of them. I've tried everything I can think of to convince him but he still says no. I don't want to trick him into another baby but I'll do whatever it takes to get what I want.


One is not enough

Dear one is not enough,

I'm sorry to hear that you and your husband cannot agree on what is a very important decision between a husband and wife.

I don't usually make such drastic recommendations but I can tell from your letter that you are 100% serious about reaching your goal of becoming a mom of two.

If you're truly as desperate as you say, I suggest you offer your husband a no strings attached three way with you and the hot 20 year old teacher's aide at your son's pre-school, in exchange for another baby (if you can manage to be ovulating when it happens it could be win-win for everyone.)

Make sure you set careful parameters and verify that everyone involved knows this is a one time thing. You'll also want to be very, very drunk. If you're lucky, you'll black out and forget the whole thing.

Just be careful if you go this route. I gave this advice to another mommy and even though she was not desperate enough for a three way, she now has a live in au pair from Sweden named Annika (who has the biggest rack you've ever seen). Luckily she is too busy breast feeding her newborn to care.

Good luck!

Dear Tracey,

I'm a stay at home mom tired of living within my means. All the other housewives drive nicer cars, have designer handbags, and spend their days shopping at the mall. I'm lucky if I can afford something from the sale rack at Old Navy.

I can't even take comfort in the fact that I'm a good saver because our country's current economic crisis has my IRA and stock portfolio in the shitter. What can I do to make myself feel a little better without spending money I don't have?


Unable to keep up with the Jones'

Dear unable to keep up with the Jones',

Don't sweat it. Just because your neighbors appear to have everything you covet does not necessarily mean it's all paid for. They may be in debt up to their eyeballs and so cash poor they can't buy a stick of gum unless the visa logo is prominently displayed at the cash register.

There is nothing wrong with Old Navy. Target also has some pretty nice stuff on the cheap. In the meantime, I suggest you find something to sell. One of my friends sold her husband's golf clubs on EBay and bought several new outfits, some shoes, and a handbag at Dillard's. She told him the clubs were stolen when he came home drunk and forgot to close the garage door.

Does your husband golf or participate in any hobbies that require expensive equipment? Go look.

Until then, keep it real and keep using cash.

Dear Tracey,

My neighbor is constantly talking about how brilliant her kids are. According to her, they are bilingual Einsteins who do logarithms in their spare time (Francois is 18 months and Siegfried is 4 so I know she is full of shit). Children possess many gifts and I'm tired of her acting like I.Q. is the only thing that matters.

It's true our son still cannot pronounce all his consonants (he's 10) and he's a little closer to having to ride the short bus than my husband and I are comfortable with. He's a sweet child, and a friend to all, but he's not the brightest crayon in the box. We love him and want what's best for him and I don't appreciate my neighbor implying that he's retarded or her suggestion that I home school him because "he can't possibly be mainstreamed."

I hate her and I need to know how I should handle this situation.


He's not that stupid

Dear He's not that stupid,

Your neighbor sounds like a real C. U. Next Tuesday. I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation. You sound like a very caring mom and I'll try to help you.

The first thing you need to do is scour the elementary school parking lot for one of those "parents of an honor roll student" bumper stickers. Scrape it off and slap it on your car. Then start doing your son's homework and see if you can proctor his tests at home. Make sure to show your neighbor his next report card.

Next, you need to uncover something your son is really good at. Can he play a musical instrument? If he's in a successful rock band someday I bet he'll pay you back for believing in him by buying you a mansion.

Is he good at sports? Dumb jocks have laughed all the way to the bank after being signed to the NBA or the NFL so if he shows some promise in this area, I think you should be very supportive. Since you're already doing his homework he'll have plenty of extra time to go to practice.

And remember, it doesn't matter how smart your neighbor's kids are because they're going to get their asses handed to them on a daily basis because of their fucked up names. Everything will work out in the long run, I promise.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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