New 'Mega-Trains' Announced
A fleet of new 'mega-trains' is set to hit Britain's ageing rail tracks sometime in 2013. The hope is for the trains to drag the National Rail Network's services towards the 21st century, following years of public criticism over the sub-standard ser...
Read full storyBatman Return Not Until 2010
Looks like it's bad news for impatient Batman fans as the next scheduled appearance isn't until 2010. Of course, the economy crisis could bring him back sooner and Bruce could help give the United States a helping hand but it looks like 2010.
Read full storyGland Problem Hypothyroidism Causing Stinking Creek Man To Weigh 475 Pounds
Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder plus a hypothyroid problem, 475-pound Stinking Creek resident, Paul Don Henderson helped himself to a fifth serving of fried catfish, mashed potatoes and popped his 21st hush puppy into his pie hole a...
Read full storyBritain Grinds To A Halt Again - ThisTime Because It's Friday 13th
Britain is once again grinding to a halt as a nation, as the most traumatic few weeks in this proud nation's history plod gracelessly to an impossibly sombre denouement. We have the credit crunch, we had the snow, we had the ice, we had the rain,...
Read full storyEngland to be the 51st state of the USA
The British parliament last night passed the bill to become the 51st state of the United States of America. Gordon Brown, the British PM, hasn't yet been able to deliver an official address to the nation/state because he has been busy receiving congr...
Read full storyMichelle Obama To Guest With Take That At The O2 Arena
From our Washington DC correspondent, Da Man - She's made a bigger impact than her husband since he was inaugurated - Vogue covers, global press interest, fashion icon - and news has reached us that Michelle Obama is all set to extend her influence b...
Read full storyBank chiefs to take bonuses in yoghurt
Executives of banks taking government recapitalisation will receive their bonuses in yoghurt. The move by the Treasury to force heads of failed banks follows similar initiatives from President Barack Obama in the US. Lloyds Banking Group and Ro...
Read full storyGordon Brown 'considered banning biscuits'
Gordon Brown planned to ban biscuits from the supermarket shelves of England and Wales before Lehman Brothers collapsed. Papers revealed on Wikipedia this afternoon revealed the PM - egged on by cheeky chef Jamie Oliver - was to defy the Cabinet a...
Read full storyDetroit plagued with roaming potholes, threaten other states
Detroit claims it can't get a handle on the numerous potholes plaguing the City's streets due to "roaming potholes," city officials said today. "The potholes have been moving around and are hard to keep track of", said DPW worker Tyrone Lowbrow...
Read full storyMuslim world attacks America with shoes
After decades of being manipulated by the Western world, the Muslim one finally struck back at the USA by posting thousands of shoes to it. 'This will sort the Infidels out once and for all!', radical cleric Mustapha Quppa screamed, before sending...
Read full storyColeman and Franken Kickoff Re-election Campaigns
The two mainstream candidates for U.S. Senator from Minnesota started their re-election campaigns today. Norm Coleman, who was senator until January 3, and Al Franken are in a court battle royale to determine who will represent Minnesota in the Sena...
Read full storyTennesee Man With Tourettes Going To See Movie Twice SH*T!
In Knoxville, Tennessee, local Tourettes Syndrome victim Joe SH*T! Bob Crabtee, 32, confirmed with friends Wednesday that he planned to see the 7:15 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. showings of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button at the Regal Cinema 12 on East Cl...
Read full storyBall Shall Go To The Ewe
A testicle grown in a laboratory on the back of a genetically modified mouse called Atlas has been successfully transplanted into a female sheep. The sheep can now reproduce without the requirement for mating or artificial insemination. Scienti...
Read full storyMadoff's Ponzi scam wife legs it with $15.5 million
New York - (Mossad Pension Fund Mess): Ruth Madoff has vanished along with $15.5 million in 'monthly housekeeping funds' that she withdrew from her Lehman Brothers-affiliated hedge fund checking account just hours before husband Bernard was busted fo...
Read full storyCardiff Take Giggs
Cardiff City Football Club made a dream signing today when they bought Welsh legend Ryan Giggs from Manchester United for a fee of £5million pounds. Cardiff City have bought Ryan Giggs, that was just a dream right? No, it is true, Ryan Giggs ha...
Read full storyMick Jagger lands J Howard Marshall III role in Royal Opera House's Anna Nicole Smith life story
London - (Wrinkly Ass Mess): Ageing sexagerian crooner Mick Jagger is to play the role of Texan oil billionaire J Howard Marshall III in the Royal Opera House's production of Anna Nicole Smith's life story. The title role is still up for grabs alt...
Read full storyKevin Costner & Stacy Keibler To Host TV's "Dancing With The Wolves"
BURBANK, California - Kevin Costner, actor, director, and producer will be one of the hosts of a new dance show on the Fox Network. The show is basically a spin-off on ABC's "Dancing With The Stars" and is titled, "Dancing With The Wolves." Co...
Read full storyAnother Friday the 13th omen as Russian and US satellites collide
Space - (Ominous Mess): World leaders' shattered nerves were dealt yet another blow today with the news that US and Russian communications satellites collided in space after crossing Comet Lulin's earthbound trajectory. The American Iridium satell...
Read full storyHitler comes out of retirement to become Israeli president
As the shambles of the Israeli election continued, Adolf Hitler today announced he was returning to politics to lead Israel. Waving to thousands of cheering Israelis at Tel-Aviv airport, the former Fuhrer spoke to his adoring new fans. 'People of...
Read full storyBanned Dutch racism row politician has black roots
The Hague, Netherland - (Double Dutch Rant Mess): Banned Dutch Islamophobe wingnut MP Geert Wilders has black roots according to top media sources. Wilders, 69, has been photographed from every conceivable angle and has clearly not retouched his b...
Read full storyPrincess Margaret caught Aids from gangster lover/crack dealer Bindon
London - (Sordid Cold Whore Mess): Bitter and twisted mobster's moll Princess Margaret died from complications linked to Aids and cocaine addiction after becoming contaminated by her gangster crack dealer lover John Bindon according to a TV docu-dram...
Read full storyAnneka Rice presents 'Democracy Hunt' on Israeli TV
The hit TV show 'Treasure Hunt' was revived in Israel today, but with Anneka Rice presenting a slightly different version of the programme. 'We have a couple here, Mr and Mrs Levin from Jerusalem, and they have one hour to find democracy in Israel...
Read full storyQueen relaunches spoof British monarchy website
London - (Third Reich Ass Mess): Spoof UK monarch Queen Elizabeth II has relaunched her pet online vanity publishing project with the help of acclaimed world wide web mythologist Tim Berners-Lee. The spoof site is full of beastly little whoppers c...
Read full storyStory of Octupletes' Mom inspires changes to "The Bachelor" TV show; next season to feature simply a canister of frozen Sperm, say producers
Hollywood, California - Made deaf, dumb and apparently blind by the ticking away of their biological clocks, women bent on waiting so long for Mr. Right to come along that they let all the sand in their egg timer run out have once again allowed produ...
Read full storyChalk and Cheese Resolve Differences
Some put it down to Chalk having lost its dominance in education. Others say Cheese has mellowed over the years. Whatever the reason, it seems that Chalk and Cheese have become less diverse. The idea that there were insurmountable differences be...
Read full storyKFC Secret Recipe Stored In Great Pyramid, Fort Knox or Mammoth Cave Area?
In Louisville, Kentucky Colonel Sanders' handwritten recipe for fried chicken was back in its Kentucky home Tuesday after five months in hiding while KFC upgraded security around its top corporate secret, following a terrorist chicken outfit believed...
Read full storyT'New Commandments
With the imminent resignation of God from the position of....well, God, Deus-Elect Mustapha Kamir has thrown his flat cap into the ring, and produced a set of New Commandments. 1. Yorkshire Puddin' is to be eaten as t'first course, not just dumped on t'plate wi' main course. Y'can 'ave it wi' jam then. Tha Mam's Yorkshire Puddin' is the bestest, an' any folk 'oo say diff'rent can be clouted - e...
Read full storyRabbits were Ours' - Pak admits
After several weeks of careful study of the behavioral aspects of those rabbits that India has recently caught alive at the border, Pak has admitted that the rabbits tentatively, physiologically and culturally "somewhat" resemble their mountain-born,...
Read full storyCanadian vet arrested for alleged racism
Edmonton, Alberta. After a particularly busy winter amputating the legs of stray moose, veterinarian Dr John Biggott made a phone call to his colleague. Little did he know the phone call was being taped by the CIA. Dr Biggott is recorded as saying...
Read full storyDarwin's Theory of Evolution Has Changed Beyond All Recognition, Scientists Say
Researchers at the University of Lyef near Amsterdam were astounded today when, during their celebrations to mark Charles Darwin's 200th Birthday, they realised his Theory of Evolution is no longer similar to the original. Scientists were observing...
Read full storyChurch leaders deny existence of Genesis
In a shock statement issued today, the Church Leaders have now denied the existence of Genesis. I what is likely to prove a very controversial new debate, the Church Leaders have been asked to explain their theory behind the long-standing, and up...
Read full storyPeru's Zoo Zigzag Zebra
Peru's main zoo, the Lemur Lima Zoo has a new addition this week, when Zelda the Zebra gave birth to a healthy zebra that keepers have named Deborah. Normally more famous for the lemur collection, the Peruvian zoo has caused an international stir...
Read full storyFilm-Maker Banned from the UK
A controversial film-maker has been banned from entering the UK, just hours before he was due to speak to Parliamentarians early next week and show his film. It has emerged that following threats of protests, the Home Office has rescinded Mr Steph...
Read full storyBee of the Bang to be dismantled
After a third injury in two years, the iconic Manchester sculpture the Bee of the Bang is to be dismantled and sold for scrap. The sculpture looks like a frozen firework, but though impressive, current engineering technology has made this ambitiou...
Read full storyDog uses ladder to climb up on roof
Manchester police say they get lots of calls about wild animals but this one was different. A milkman reported a dog on the roof of a house licking its testicles. Animal control officer Dick Stick said the ladder in the back garden of the dog's owner...
Read full storyTexas Like Ancient Thebes Caught in a Curse
The myths of the ancients tell and retell of how the sins of the leaders visit upon the innocent citizens a shitload of hell to pay. Even as in the Oedipus tale the hero is totally unaware of his transgression a plague can torment the people. Man...
Read full storyChiTown Vampiress Dresses and Undresses First Dark First Lady
The confluence of wildly popular vampire novels and films and a swarthy first lady and her fashion consultant and consort have fueled the fires of rumor, speculation and down right bull shit. yet many gossip columnist and private dick believe that a...
Read full storyHuge Outpouring of Sympathy for grieving Jennifer Anniston
There has been a huge outpouring of sympathy from fans and stars alike for Jennifer Anniston upon her discovery of a "rogue colourless strand of grey hair" Jen had a message of condolence from famous trollop Madonna whose hair has come out of a bo...
Read full storyDerren Brown denies influencing Premier League goal chances
'Stay with me now'. We've all heard him say it and we've all watched him do it. But none of us can work out how he does it. Yet, despite the quite unbelievable number of missed goal scoring chances across the Premier League last weekend, the TV magic...
Read full storyNCAA Selection Committee Announces New Guidelines for Basketball Tournament
The NCAA selection committee, the group responsible for picking and seeding the men's and women's basketball tournaments, has announced new guidelines for this years 64 team March Madness field. Chuck DeFry, executive secretary for the group, made t...
Read full storyMadoff's Wife Carries Away Loot
A Boston Newspaper reports that the wife of accused Wall Street swindler Bernard Madoff pulled $15 million in twenty-dollar bills out of a brokerage account only days before her husband was arrested, Massachusetts' top securities regulator said on We...
Read full storyObama Calls Food Manufacturing Company Racist
Barack Obama, newly sworn in President of the United States, has stated that manufacturers of the condiment mayonnaise are all racists and need to work to change their image. From the White House Press Room, he delivered the following statement.
Read full storyMadonna dating "Satan"
Photographs of Madonna passionately kissing model Satan Sux have been released. In the pictures, the 50-year-old singer is seen lying on top of the 22-year-old Brazilian devil and looking on as he towels himself down. The images appear in a 46-...
Read full storySperm Bank Seeks Government Handout
WALLA WALLA, WA - Wankers Trust, the nation's largest sperm bank, is looking to the Federal Government's Troubled Masturbation Relief Program (TMRP) to see it through an unprecedented crisis. Chairman of the bank, Hans Job, said, "Due to the publ...
Read full storyDe-Luxe Superjobcentres To Cater For Unfortunate Professionals?
Calls were made today by powerful lobby groups in Westminster for the establishment of Superjobcentres at strategic locations around the country, which would cater for the legions of unemployed professional white-collar workers, many of whom have bee...
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