De-Luxe Superjobcentres To Cater For Unfortunate Professionals?

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 12 February 2009


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Yeah I Do Extras - Gizza Job At A Superjobcentre

Calls were made today by powerful lobby groups in Westminster for the establishment of Superjobcentres at strategic locations around the country, which would cater for the legions of unemployed professional white-collar workers, many of whom have been forced to claim Job Seekers Allowance as a result of the economic downturn, or as it is more popularly known: The Global Recession.

(Wow! A sixty-one word sentence! Get on with it - ed)

Among the worst to have been hit have been those involved in banking and capital investment, but others have felt the pinch too.

Lord Ungaloo of Shyte, a leading supporter of the campaign told us:

"We can't be having people like Big Phil Scolari, Tony Adams, City bankers, Hedge Fund Managers etc. mixing with the hoi-palloi at a conventional Jobcentre Plus facility. That would be tantamount to The Lord Of The Manor having to stand alongside some scumbag out of 'Shameless' in order to qualify for his fortnightly giro. Which would quite plainly be a ruddy outrageous situation."

So, what would these Superjobcentres be like, we wondered?

Lord Panfried Seabass of Whitderfuckty explained his vision:

"An ambient mood. Classic FM on the sound system, furniture designed by Damien Hirst, installations by Tracy Emin, a subsidised bar, a smoking room, and massages by sex workers, from a back rub to full extras at a reduced rate. And possibly some recreational drugs on the NHS."

I wholeheartedly support this commonsense approach. After all, we don't want embittered ex-football managers with emotional issues loose on the streets, now do we? And as for the bankers, we need to get them back into work as a matter of National Urgency.

So that they can fuck us all over again.

Should we recover that is.

More as we get it.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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