Gordon Brown 'considered banning biscuits'

Funny story written by dannline

Thursday, 12 February 2009

image for Gordon Brown 'considered banning biscuits'
Brown says no more biscuits

Gordon Brown planned to ban biscuits from the supermarket shelves of England and Wales before Lehman Brothers collapsed.

Papers revealed on Wikipedia this afternoon revealed the PM - egged on by cheeky chef Jamie Oliver - was to defy the Cabinet and stop the sale of biscuits.

Labour traditionalist had rallied against the move, claiming for many working class voters in marginal seats the only solace they had in their dull debt-fuelled plasma screen existance was biscuits.

A Downing Street spokesman said the banning of certain foods was one of a range of measures discussed to improve the nation's health.

However, the Wikipedia data - released by the Conservative party - show a step-by-step removal of biscuits.

First would come custard creams and bourbons, considered most toxic, then ginger nuts and eventually M&S tea cakes, Jaffa cakes and Duchy Originals.

Certain 'heritage' biscuits would continue in production - such as Scottish shortbread and Garibaldis - but they would not sold in the UK outside airports.

Tory healthspokesbloke Andy Lansley said: "Beside creating a biscuit black market, the government would have lost control over biscuits.

"Home baking would be rife and dangerous, with government having no control over salt, sugar or coconut levels.

"Biscuits sold on street corners would have unregulated high levels of salt and create a health time bomb."

The decision not to go ahead with the biscuit ban was directly linked to the recession.

Malcolm McSmack, director of the British Biscuit Federation, said: "The UK biscuit industry is worth £31 billion a year - about some per cent of GDP.

"The economy would not be able to handle that loss - and the resulting biscuit-free depression would last until 2114.

"Unemployed people also maintain up to 35 per cent of their calorie intake through biscuits. What would they eat? Salad?

"British biscuits for British workers and job seekers!"

Jamie Oliver muttered: "Britain needs to kick it's biscuit habit.

"People losing biscuit jobs should be retrained in the lettuce industry."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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