Darts Grand Slam to feature Phil Taylor playing against himself in every match
As professional darts has become such a non-contest dominated by Englishman Phil 'The Darts Player' Taylor, next year's Grand Slam of Darts will simply feature him playing against himself in all the matches. 'The early rounds of quick games won't...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Buys A Marijuana Factory In Nuevo Laredo, Mexico
AUSTIN - Country music icon Willie Nelson has confided to his next door neighbor Richmond Mendelbaum that he has finalized a deal to purchase Nuevo Laredo's El Tecolote Marijuana Factory. The factory located on the banks of the Rio Grande River wa...
Read full storyAlaska Residents 'Being Bad' To Get Free Coal From Santa Claus
Residents of the Arctic town of Sealgut Alaska have resorted to extreme means to get their heating fuel supplies for this winter. Faced by two months of near total darkness and bone-chilling cold with little economic resources to carry them throu...
Read full storyThe Mafia Kindly Requests That MTV Cancel Its "Jersey Shore" Reality Show
NEW YORK CITY - A spokesperson for MTV Barry F. Colquitt has revealed that he recently received an email that was signed by three of New York City's Cosa Nostra bosses. The three organized crime Mafiosos were identified as Giovanni Fabrosini, Vito...
Read full storyFabio Capello invents new language of Capellese
England football manager Fabio Capello, who has had lessons to learn how to speak English, today decided to invent a new language instead. Speaking from FA headquarters in a chip shop off the Fulham Road, he held a press conference to give the med...
Read full storyWoman Who Knocked Down Pope Attacked Popemobile In Africa
It has came out in the news today, as reporters did their research on the lady who knocked down the Pope and a Cardinal who looked like the Pope, that this was the very same woman who attacked the Popemobile when he was in Africa. "Instead of a re...
Read full storyPope Offers Rematch
Pope Benedict XVI today offered the dual nationality Swiss Italian lady in red who tugged him to the ground as he prepared to conduct midnight mass at the Basilica San Pietro a rematch. "I vosn't ready for it," the former Cardinal Ratzenberger tol...
Read full storyHitler attacked by a woman in Berlin
Mass-murdering Nazi Adolf Hitler today suffered a horrific attack in the German capital of Berlin, when a woman leapt out and tapped him on the shoulder and said: 'You're a mass-murdering Nazi monster.' Hitler, an obvious Christian and non-violent...
Read full storyGeologist finds Earth's youngest rock
Often dated at more than two billion years old, rocks are considered to be the oldest parts of our planet. Geologists find them valuable indicators of the Earth's most ancient history. Hubert Groth, an enterprising geologist with the Gerber Insti...
Read full storySexologist invents new position - Kama Sutra 'obsolete'
The Kama Sutra is the world's oldest and most notable text which compiles various human sexual positions. Ever since its current version emerged in the second century A.D., its list of 8,174 positions has been considered to be exhaustive, and insurmo...
Read full storyPope Benedict XVI is attacked by woman
A lonely woman who was sexually depraved and who never slept with a virgin male in her life attacks the pope while he was giving mass. She jumped the barriers in St Peter's Basilica in Rome last night and knocked down Pope Benedict XVI as he walke...
Read full storyThe Poncyius Pope gives his global Christmas speech and promises that the world will be "Hetro" free by 2035!
The honourable "Poncyious Pope" from his balcony at the Vatican has given his Chrissy speech to millions of Catholics and other morons willing to listen. They stood in St.Peters Square or watched on TV as the Pope spoke in 2000 languages and deliv...
Read full story"You Lie" Group Back At It
"Oh we'll never give up", stated long time NRA member, Honus Johnson Jr. "You can tell that the President's lying, when you see his lips move. hee hee. When his lips move...get it?" Yes, we got it. "He's not going to turn this country into a Co...
Read full storyAshley Greene & Robert Pattinson Fight After Being Named In Top Ten Most Beautiful People Of Decade
Two of the stars of the Twilight movie series, Ashley Greene & Robert Pattinson have made it into the top ten "Beautiful People Of The Decade" in the Hollywood Beacon Gazette that allowed it's readers to choose. The two vamps have also been se...
Read full storyPope Benedict XVI attacked by his mistress
The attack took place at St Peter's Basilica in Vatican at the start of the traditional Christmas Mass. As the Pontiff was proceeding down the main aisle a young woman jumped over the barriers and plunged on him, shouting "I love you Benetto". The Po...
Read full storyDarth Benedict XVI Wrestled To The Ground
Darth Benedict XVI was wrestled to the ground by a female member of the rebellion yesterday, who breached the security barriers at the start of this year's Xmas Eve Black Mass. The 325-year-old ex-Nazi pontiff was caught on camera being dragged to...
Read full storyNostradamus predicts 2010
New York City - It's almost the New Year, and everyone knows what that means! That's right, it's time to check with everyone's favorite dead psychic, and learn what's going to happen this year! Remember, Nostradamus is always right! As you've heard all your life, he predicted Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot and Saddam Hussein! All his predictions have come true! Always! And to all you...
Read full story"District 9"
Hollywood - If you've been waiting for a good science fiction movie to come out on DVD, you will need to wait a bit longer. "District 9" is painful. It's done in a half ass style known as "cinema verite" to those who reside in their mom's basements, and "the camcorder is shaking too much" by the rest of us. The premise is that a million or so aliens came here in a ship that they decided to...
Read full storyBritish news read by Stanley Unwin
'Good evensong, this is the new stations. In anti-Devulian a bust crashed early this mouldy, and one or more may believe pursing dyed hair in symphony. And Prim Ministry of Sounds Gorgon Zola announced that Chelski was rather busy buzz buzz biz this afternine. Good evenisraelislaughsatyanksnowadaze. The widespread cold snap dragon continued to make English people's living miserabubbly, though i...
Read full storyBookie Under White Christmas Racism Claims
A bookkeeper, who is taking bets on whether there will be a 'white Christmas' this year, has come under scrutiny today by groups who claim their actions are racist. Xenophobicgamlor.web insist their betting system is fair however, and vehemently d...
Read full storyOne Day At The Unemployment Office
Derek in Accounts Payable was an excitable type, but only to a certain extent. When he rounded the corner to speak to Jason, his boss, colleague and friend he was more excited than normal. The fact that he kept his voice low to avoid others hearing was indicative that it was also something serious. "I've got it Jason! It just came out of the blue and punched me in the eye!" "What is i...
Read full storyBraless Woman In Red Miniskirt Knocks Down Pope Benedict XVI
VATICAN CITY - A woman wearing a red miniskirt and no bra vaulted over a wooden barrier and tackled Pope Benedict XVI (#16 in your program guide) as he was walking down the aisle at St. Peters Basilica during Christmas Eve Mass. A Vatican spokespe...
Read full storyTiger Woods announces "indefinite break" from cheating on his wife
Golf legend Tiger Woods announced recently he would take an extended break from infidelity. "While it's true that I've accomplished much in the field of disloyalty to my marriage" said Woods, "I believe the time is right for a respite from my ext...
Read full storySenate democrats celebrate watered-down lousy health care bill
Senate democrats celebrated the passage of a poorly conceived crappy health care bill today. Senator Harry Reid, the spunky sparkplug senate majority leader, hailed the passage as a "purely political move that we short sighted nimrods can celebrate i...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Sends Kanye West An Interesting Christmas Present
MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin - Taylor Swift has won more music awards in 2009, than any other recording artist in the history of recording awards. The native of Pennsylvania performed before a sold-out audience of 85,123 at Milwaukee's Beer Nuts Auditori...
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