"District 9"

Written by Alexandria177

Friday, 25 December 2009

image for "District 9"
This movie was made with MST3K in mind.

Hollywood - If you've been waiting for a good science fiction movie to come out on DVD, you will need to wait a bit longer.

"District 9" is painful. It's done in a half ass style known as "cinema verite" to those who reside in their mom's basements, and "the camcorder is shaking too much" by the rest of us.

The premise is that a million or so aliens came here in a ship that they decided to park over Johannesburg. They were okay enough to get here, and okay enough to have the enormous ship float unaided over a metropolis...but were not okay enough to contact us.

So we break in and find them starving. And decide to put them all in shanties in the middle of J-burg, rather than interogate each and every one of them for the secret of their star drive.

And the aliens enjoy the slum, and enjoy picking over garbage, and it never occurs to them to trade any technological ideas for a better shack. Oh, and they love cat food.

Oh, and if you're Nigerian, you can watch Hollywood gratuitously insult your people, as it depicts them buying useless alien weapons for catfood. Though if I know Nigerians, they'll think that's funny. I'm glad someone will.

Well, for no real reason, it's decided to move them, and it's decided that giving eviction notices to 1.8 million redneckish aliens with weapons that only work for them makes sense. Then, in case you haven't turned it off yet, they further decide that each alien must sign a paper saying that they know they are being evicted.

Uh huh.

Then some sad sack bureaucrat goes about offering cat food for signatures, when not watching soldiers flamethrowing alien babies to death for no apparent reason.

When he gets sprayed by a vile black fluid from a mysterious alien cannister referred to as "dangerous", there is no thought of getting him to any kind of decontamination or quarantine...after all, what could go wrong?

At a party, he soils himself a' la' "Dreamcatcher", and has his arm turn into an alien arm. This supposedly makes sense. Yeah. That a fluid essential to a star drive is found in an Earth garbage dump, but that if the fuel gets on a bureaucrat his DNA changes, but only for his arm at first.

This allows him to be able to fire super duper alien guns that are programmed to only fire for aliens. A fact which rouses the government's interest, finally. They decide maybe they should quarantine him, but better yet, maybe they should harvest all his organs and try and spread the disease for military purposes.

No, not for purposes of decimating populations, just for creating more "one alien armed" guys to fire alien weapons. Are you missing "Logan's Run" yet?

An amusing scene is when his daddy-in-law agrees to harvest his organs, and his wife falls for the old "he slept with alien prostitutes" charge. Hey, we've all dealt with that one.

The rest is pretty much a chase scene where a bureaucrat is able to endlessly evade the pittance of military forces sent after him, finds a friendly alien who has a little spaceship under his tin roofed shack, and a cute little lizard baby who also knows how to pilot the ship when daddy is hurt.

ghdksltyeibn...sorry, my head hit the keyboard. Anyway, the alien daddy is hurt, the ship disabled...all is lost...but wait! Baby lizard boy raises the broken ship while the bureaucrat dons alien armor that makes him a giant Transformer. Good thing learning the controls was easy.

The injured alien gets to the mother ship, and can apparently pilot it all on his own with no need of the crew. And the bit of fuel they have is enough to get it from Earth to...wherever. The bureaucrat falls out of his armor, becomes more of an alien, gets rescued by now friendly aliens, and...

...and nothing. That's it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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