New Manchester City owners Abu Dhabi United Group have tonight released a Press statement which sets out their future vision for the club, including Champions League ambitions, the banning of alcohol at Eastlands, and several new players from Arabia.
Sky Blues' fans were reeling from the shock of the promise of a £100million investment package for players - a figure equal to the annual budget of Haiti.
In Haiti, crowds rioted at the news.
Back in Manchester, upbeat fans quickly changed their minds when told of the impending new arrivals from the Middle East, and a total ban on alcohol within one mile of the stadium.
Julian Hall, known as 'Our Jud', from Urmston, said:
"These rich blokes aren't interseted in football, they're only in it for the money. Give us back our beer!"
Sulaiman al-Fahim of ADUG said:
"Islam does not permit the consumption of alcohol in the stadium, and from today, women will no longer be admitted into the stadium. We will also be bringing-in several 'not very good' new players from Saudi Arabia and Qatar, and Manchester City's new away strip will be a traditional all-white dishdasha with brown sandals."
