California Fires: Arnold Schwarzenegger To Put Them Out
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has said in a television address that he will single-handedly tackle the fires that are ravaging the LA area, and expects to have them all out by tomorrow. The fires, to the north, north-west and south of...
Read full story"Aberdeen"
It's damp and grey on the River Spey And it's cold and dark there too But it's seventeen in Aberdeen And the sky's an azure blue How cold it feels in Gallashiels And it's blowing quite a hoolie But it's seventeen in Aberdeen No need to wear a woolly! The fog hangs thick in the town of Wick And there's drizzle in Kirkaldy But it's seventeen in Aberdeen Where you can tan your body...
Read full storyJackie Smiff and her Spliff
So politicians now admit That as students they smoked some …drugs In history, I think you'll find That others have been so inclined The following may not be true If named offenders wish to sue 'Cos everyone's tried marijuana From Genghis Khan to Wayne Fontana (and The Mindbenders) William the Conqueror stubbed out a roach As Hastings shore he did approach The Mona Lisa's smile...
Read full storySarah Palin to tour with the Vagina Monologues
Sarah Palin is to embark on an acting career by touring with the popular theatrical show The Vagina Monologues. The spectacle-wearing, bouffant-haired airhead has had her vagina measured and it turns out that it is exactly the same size as her big...
Read full storyLingerie Chain Signs Sarah Palin To A $50 Million Modeling Contract
HOLLYWOOD, California - The world's largest manufacturer of women's lingerie items, has just signed Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin to an astounding 5-year, $50 million contract. Mrs. Palin will appear in television commercials with the first one to...
Read full storyBush and Chaney Consider Forming Rock Band
George Bush is forming a rock band after he leaves the White House. Many think he would make an unlikely rock star. But, says a Bush spokesman, crossing artistic and political boundaries has never presented a problem and he is as enthusiastic and...
Read full storyMadonna and Guy in Refridgerator Scandal!
More shocking and tawdry used tampon slinging has emanated from the Ritchie Camp. Madonna's publicist Liz Rosenberg has gone AWOL, and is currently holed up in a 6 star deluxe cherry picking Kibbutz in Israel, from where she is revealing to 'cherry-p...
Read full storyDead Pigs to Aid Plods Solve Murders
Bored anoraks at Staffordshire University's Silly Science department at Stoke-on-Pork have been using dead pigs and geophysics to develop research that could help police find the buried remains of murder victims in unmarked graves faster after it was...
Read full storyBrown V Cameron Over Christmas Gift Policy
Prime Minister Gordon Brown has today announced that he will give each British citizen a PS3 along with a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV, so as to help everyone through the credit crunch this Christmas. "I believe it's a fantastic idea and one that w...
Read full storyVampire Cat Discovered In Springfield
Springfield PA-- A vampire cat has been discovered living in a Philadelphia suburb. The species is new to science and is given the Latin name of Felix vampirus. The vampire cat's name is Ginger and she is owned by a Mr. Fish. "Ginger was very st...
Read full storyHilary Duff's up Miley Cyrus, High School Musical cast live in fear!
Disney pop tarts Lizzie Mcguire and Hannah Montana came to blows yesterday, for no apparent reason, apart from publicity. Fictional Lizzie beat Hannah Montana across the back of the head, with a house-hold brick, as she was due to sing some of her...
Read full storyGeorge Bush Looks Forward to "A Nice Quiet Padded Cell" When He Leaves the White House
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) -- President George W. Bush says he looks forward to "a nice quiet padded cell" when he leaves the White House shortly to make way for Barack Obama. "Imagine having peace and quiet for a change, regular medications and supe...
Read full storyThe 3 a.m. Cookery Club
OK, you've been ejected from the nightclub, been kicked out of the kebab shop for trying to pick a fight with an antique space invaders machine, the police have kerb-crawled you all the way home to keep you out of further trouble (didn't offer you a lift though, did they? the bastards!). After the 23rd attempt, you finally succeeded in getting your key into the lock, leaving numerous ugly faile...
Read full storyStelios grabs controls at EasyFly, and flies on one engine
Sir Stelios Halitosis, the gregarous Greek Cypriot who founded the EasyFly airline and is still its biggest shareholder has taken the captains seat once more. Sir Stelios said he hoped to trim the operating costs of the budget airline by flying hi...
Read full storyI Got Yule Babe
It has emerged that in the wake of Saddam Hussein's fall from grace, (and the gallows) both warring factions in Iraq have decided to lay down there arms and pick up their microphones to record a cover version of popular 60s song 'I Got You Babe'.
Read full storyPolice given more time to question stutterer
Perranporth Police have been given an extra 48 hours, and anti-spray masks to interview Serial Stutterer Peter Piper. He is in police custody on charges of possessing porn, perjury, puppy painting, pissing in a public place, peppercorn pilfering a...
Read full storyPrime Minister has meeting with Jabba The Hutt
MANCHESTER- Prime Minister Gordon Brown has met with Jabba the Hutt in Manchester today to discuss the worldwide financial crisis. Mr. Hutt, a known philanthropist and shrewd investor, has displayed in interest in helping the world economies with...
Read full storyTime Machine 'was really a wardrobe'
Police have arrested a man on suspicion of endangerment to life, fraud, and obtaining money by deception. It appeared that his offer of 'forward time travel' was merely a ploy to dupe ignorant people who had failed basic science and philosophy at col...
Read full story'Carbon Dating' - New singles club for OAPs opens
Join today, and reap some of our benefits including; free candlelit pureed meal Alzheimer's sufferers welcome nude bingo every Thursday 50 brands of gin available at bar weak tea and boring biscuits also served Alzheimer's sufferers welcome bring-a-waterbottle nights colostomy friendly Alzheimer's sufferers welcome huge Louis L'amour & Danielle Steel reading room...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie in Incontinence Shocker!
Brad Pitt has reportedly revealed to his back stabbing Doctor (who sold us this report for three trillion dollars, and to Hello! for 16 zillion) that Angelina Jolie has developed an incontinence problem. 'It's terrible' Brad reportedly told the Do...
Read full storyMissing 1924 Olympic Bobsleigh Team Finally Located!
The 1924 Finnish Bobsleigh team who mysteriously disappeared following their Gold Medal winning run have finally been located after being missing for an incredible 84 years. An archaeology team led by Heinrich Slapp III, Great Grandson of team lea...
Read full storyMadonna Dumped on Alien Planet
According to our sources within the CIA, a clandestine meeting was held in the foothills of Nevada between US secret agents and the species of Alien frequently referred to as 'The Greys'. Our sources reveal that the Greys are highly telepathic, an...
Read full storyCold caller dies of hypothermia
Door to door double glazing salesman Hugh Peeveesea was found dead in a Swansea street this morning, apparently from acute hypothermia. At first, it was suspected that Mr Peeveesea was another statistic in the tragic Bridgend suicide cult that has...
Read full storyFlesh Eating Bug was really 'very sneaky cannibal'
An unnamed man from Nuneaton was speaking about the shock discovery that he was very slowly being eaten by his next door neighbour, Georgia Romero, a hospital anaesthetist, part-time wine-maker and head of the local Chianti society. The revelation...
Read full storyDating: Stand Up Excuses Guide. #127
"I was making you a matchstick model of the Taj Mahal as an introductory showing off gift, when I inadvertently superglued my face to the ceiling. My faithful dog, Osama, noticed my plight, and attempted to dial your number then put the phone into speakerphone mode. Sadly he transposed the last 2 digits and I ended up calling a Double Glazing call centre. For 7 hours, I pleaded for them to cal...
Read full storyBarbara Bush in Voodoo Priestess Shocker
BigLittleCock Texas - A cattle rancher employed at the sprawling Bush ranch in BigLittleCock Texas, has shockingly revealed that the Dubya's mother, Barbara Bush is twilighting as a high voodoo priestess. 'It only happened few weeks back' reveals...
Read full storyAlabama Changes Name
Governor Bob Riley announced today that the State of Alabama will be changing its name effective January 1, 2010. The new state name will be known as Alobama, named for the 44th President of the United States. "Although Alabama is traditionally a...
Read full storyHillary quizzed about Bill's financial links to Russian Polonium-210 hit squad
Washington AC/DC - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Hillary Clinton's aspirations to be the next US Secretary of State suffered a big blow (job) this weekend. Senate Appointments Committee sources confirmed the Senator for New York would have to disclos...
Read full storyReasons why you should want to be James Bond
The Libertines once sang, "wouldn't it be nice to be Dorian Gray! Just for a day!" The model of hedonism and revelry. To live life eternally young and beautiful! But why would Pete Doherty want to be somebody who is eventually killed in the end? I rather much fancy being our favourite unpredictable triple numbered spy! 1. You'll not just be agent seven, but agent double O seven 2. You get to...
Read full story'Flasher' Traffic Warden Caught In Act By Police
The man who has been 'flashing' unsuspecting motorists in Maidenhead dressed as a Traffic Warden has been arrested by Thames Valley Detectives. He is in fact a real Traffic Warden and has been granted name suppression until his case is heard at Ma...
Read full storyFeds hounded Norman Mailer for Marilyn Monroe's JFK/RFK sex tapes
New York - (Grassy Knoll Ass Mess): The FBI kept US fiction writer Norman 'Black' Mailer under round-the-cock surveillaince for fifteen years after a tip off that Marilyn Monroe had given him controversial sex tapes about her affairs with President J...
Read full storyTheSpoof.com to radically change in coming months
Popular satire and humor website theSpoof.com is to undergo a radical change over the coming months as owner Mark Lowton embarks on a complete re-haul of the sites design. Speaking from his backside yesterday Lowton - a curious mixture of gay Fren...
Read full storyZac Efron is a Breast Man
It's official: High School Musical star Zac Efron is a breast man. Or so he tells his grandmother. The actor likes nothing more than having a plump, ripe, juicy pair of breasts laid out in front of him to salivate over. And eat. "I love chicken...
Read full storyStephen Fry in America
No Man's Land, Utah - BBC is now airing their latest travel series featuring resident idiot savant Stephen Fry criss-crossing America in a London black taxi. True to BBC form, the series is a remake of their 1882 filming of Oscar Wilde's travels in A...
Read full storyStabbings at O2 Music Event
Three people were stabbed at the 'Urban Music' Awards at the O2 Arena yesterday in what police have described as 'an unsurprising knife related event'. Usually there is strict security at the venue - even to the extent that when you visit the cine...
Read full storyLarry King Talks To Sean 'Diddy' Combs' - The New Secretary of Defense
LOS ANGELES, California - When President Barack Obama takes office the new Secretary of Defense will be Sean Combs. Combs is a rapper, a record producer, an actor, a fashion designer, and a dancer. Before he was chosen by Barack Obama's transitio...
Read full storyGay Billions Collected to Buy Utah!
As states turn against gay marriage and adoption and Mormon millions are being blamed for the backlash, a gay green revolt appears to be under way. Billions of Gay dollars are being amassed in a drive to purchase the mostly Mormon state of Utah.
Read full storyMichelle Gives Barack a Filthy Sanchez on YouTube!
A glimpse into the upcoming presidency of Barack Obama will be featured this week on YouTube. Obama wants to be yopur wifi commander in chief and he clearly wants to let the world know how his wife Michelle will be involved in his administration.
Read full storyHomely Secretary Smith to Crack the Whip on Sex for Pay and Lap dances
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith is sick and tired of having to pay for sex and even fork over a quid just for a little shimmy on the lap. Smith will try to restore the time honored British tradition of coming home from the Home Secretary's office after a...
Read full storyInebriation blamed drinking too much
Scientists have discovered recently that inebriation, or getting shitfaced, is a by product of drinking too much alcohol based liquid. What many people have known for thousands of years, including Gordon Brown, scientists have only just confirmed...
Read full storyWho Knows What Evil Lurks in the Heart of the UK Economy? Only the Shadow Chancellor Knows!
Never wish a thespian good luck, tell her to break a leg, get rid of the lisp and find herself a guy.Superstitions plague sport, theatre and politics, as some one might have wanted to warn shadow Tory Chancellor, George Osbourne. Ozzy seems to...
Read full story16yr old Condy Rice Nude Pics On Internet
The US State Department has gone into damage control after nude shots of outgoing Secretary Of State Condoleeza Rice appeared on some Internet sites over the weekend. The pictures were taken some 16 years ago when Ms Rice, then 38, was studying Po...
Read full storyWrinkle Filler Drove Sarah Palin Mad and Inarticulate!
The Federal Drug Adminisrattion, one of those big intrusive arms of socialistic government, helped to explain this week why normally brilliant and eloquent Sarah Palin sounded like a royal loon whose first language was gibberish during the campaign.
Read full storyTheSpoof.com Sexually-Explicit Forum Deemed Less Controversial than Warren Redlich
New York, US and A - Authorities in the U.K. recently pulled the plug on amateur satirist Warren Redlich after a particularly nasty episode in which the boundary between Life and Art began to blur. The trans-Atlantic controversy stemmed from Red...
Read full storyObama Was All Set For Planet Of The Apes
It has been revealed that President- Elect, Barack Obama and his wife Michelle were sensationally poised to star in a remake of the Planet of The Apes TV Series. First aired in 1974, The Planet of the Apes was a massive flop on the television scre...
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