Stephen Fry in America

Funny story written by David David

Sunday, 16 November 2008


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Stephen Fry pauses to use a roadside toilet on his current American tour in a London black taxi

No Man's Land, Utah - BBC is now airing their latest travel series featuring resident idiot savant Stephen Fry criss-crossing America in a London black taxi. True to BBC form, the series is a remake of their 1882 filming of Oscar Wilde's travels in America.

Bruce Forsyth, who played Oscar Wilde in the 1922 version of the same series, compared the original Wilde trip to his own version and to the current BBC show featuring Stephen Fry.

"Nice to see you, to see you nice," exclaimed Brucie. "Well, they were all my favourites. But strictly speaking I wish it were me and Tess Daly in the back seat of that London black taxi on some remote back road in America. I am not doddery, doddery I am - Not!"

Oscar Wilde, the genius literary giant of his time and flamboyant sexual libertine, offered keen and often unkind observations about America during his 1882 sojourn.

"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between", quipped Wilde, right after kissing American poet Walt Whitman on the lips.

Poofter-fish Stephen Fry, on the other hand, has had no such luck on his recent American tour. There has been not a hint of a sighting of any decadence on the vast American horizons during his trip, let alone any great American gay poets.

According to Fry, Americans in 2008 are too depressed and religious to consider any other form of decadence than gluttony at the moment.

"They're all religious nuts making their daughters wear promise rings and chastity belts," shared Fry, off air. "They elected Obama for change and voted down same sex marriage on the same ballot. No wonder BBC made me take the peacock feathers off the London black taxi."

"The only reason I agreed to do this inane series is because BBC promised me some American decadence. The only fumbling I've witnessed is in high school football games. I would have had more decadence in an illegal mini cab back in London on a Saturday night, as usual," mocked a disappointed Fry.

In its own defence, BBC has issued a statement declaring they had offered Fry a mini cab trip across America, but he has grown so morbidly obese of late, that he demanded the London black taxi instead.

Fry, still trading on his quick wit as Jeeves the manservant in the early 90s ITV hit series Jeeves & Wooster, seems to be proving that IQ does indeed decline with age during his current American tour.

At one point in the show he was driving his London black taxi absurdly through Monument Valley in northern Arizona where he stopped to talk with a Navajo family. Noticing Fry's huge belly and hearing it growl like a bear, the Navajos decided to offer him food so he would go away.

Feeding his face with greasy mutton and Navajo fry bread, Stephen Fry believed his Navajo host when she told him the Navajos had named the fry bread in honour of him.

"See that satellite dish on our hogan? Jeeves comes through there somehow late nights on BBC America. You are so cleaver we named our fry bread after you," explained a smiling Fanny Foolsfry, hospitably offering Stephen another warm and delicious piece of fry bread from her frying pan.

After consuming his namesake and gaining another 20 pounds, Fry set off in his London black taxi for more American misadventures.

Unfortunately Stephen Fry's American trip was cut short in the Mormon state of Utah. Here, he stopped to pick up two young Mormon missionary hitchhikers. Whilst fumbling for words and a few other things, the dim-witted Fry adlibbed a plagiarised quote from Oscar Wilde, saying, "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

After neatly tucking their crisp white shirt tails back into their trousers and alighting from Stephen Fry's taxi, the smiling missionaries dutifully reported Fry's fumblings to their LDS elders who complained to the BBC.

Fry, Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand were last seen in an illegal mini cab in London with Georgina Baillie and George Michaels, apparently collaborating on a new series tentatively named 'Travels with George & Georgina'.

BBC America has announced it is unlikely to air the new series anytime in the near future.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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