LOS ANGELES, California - When President Barack Obama takes office the new Secretary of Defense will be Sean Combs.
Combs is a rapper, a record producer, an actor, a fashion designer, and a dancer. Before he was chosen by Barack Obama's transition team they had to make certain that the job of Secretary of Defense would not interfere with any of his other jobs.
Mr. Combs, who is also known by the names, Puff Daddy, Puff, Puffy, P. Diddy, Diddy, and Sean John, assured Mr. Obama that he would put all of his other jobs on 'hold' and concentrate on his job as Defense Secretary 24/7.
Larry King asked Mr.Combs if he was really serious about the Secretary of Defense job. Immediately two of Combs' bodyguards grabbed Mr. King and held him up in the air. Combs instantly saw the seriousness of the situation and quickly moved to defuse it by telling his 'employees' to put Mr. King down real nice and easy.
Mr. King went to a commercial right a way. Combs apologized for the rudeness of his 'guys' and Larry accepted his apology.
When they returned from the commercial break, Larry asked Combs what his goal in regards to the Iraq War would be. Combs replied, "Larry I will be having several meetings with President-elect Obama and I am certain that his goal and my goal will be to find a way to have every American soldier out of Iraq and back on United States soil by Valentine's Day 2009."
He then told King that the troops would be used to help 'our' people. Combs then said, "I am personally going to see that our soldiers patrol our northern border and help to keep illegal aliens from Canada out.
"Our troops will also help United States citizens in disastrous times of hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, wildfires, floods, blizzards, the day after Thanksgiving day sales, airline pilot strikes, and NBA games in Detroit."
Combs then looked right into the camera and said, "And I give my word, as perhaps the foremost rap artist in the country, to every American man, woman, and child that as long as I am the Secretary of Defense, under my main man, Brother Obama, there won't ever be any of this so called 'weapons of mass destruction' bull shit.
"And let me be perfectly clear that if we do attack another country, it will damn well be because they needed attacking real, real bad. So basically, my policy will be one of taking care of 'The American People.'
"And this business about the United States always having to police the whole damn world is gonna stop real quick. We ain't gonna be babysitting those lazy ass countries anymore. And to them I say this, 'ladies and gentlemen, the amusement park rides have all come to an end. So y'all just please kindly get off your butts and exit the park.'"
Combs added, "So basically, all of them other countries are just gonna have to grow some and take care of themselves...just like we, the Brits, and the Aussies have always done.
"And isn't it ironic that the only European leader back in the eighties that had any balls was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom Margaret Thatcher. I tell you what...The 'Iron Lady' was one amazing, tough little mama."
In other news, MSNBC is reporting that former major league pitching sensation Roger Clemens is in seclusion. He was reportedly last seen three weeks ago standing outside the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum Building in Cooperstown, New York muttering to himself "Well so much for me every gettin' into that place."
