Plans to redesign Senate bathrooms after Craig furor
Washington AC/DC - (Ass Mess & ReuterUs): Capitol Hill architects are keen to redesign the internal specifications of the Senate men's bathrooms following the Larry Craig incident that has left some AC DC insiders baffled about what constitutes g...
Read full storySpoof writer's nightmare comes true as New Mexico spaceport incarnates as Britney's vagina
New Mexico - (Ass Mess & ReuterUs): Veteran Spoof writer and New Mexico resident Jalapenoman is in hiding tonight as "one of his worst nightmares" took a step closer to incarnating on his home turf in the shape of Britney's vag...
Read full storyCalifornia utility deregulation turns deadly once again as rising death toll from heat wave climbs to 30, so far
Los Angeles, California - Mostly the elderly, people with preexisting health conditions or people who live alone have been most negatively impacted by the Southern California heat wave that has taken 30 some lives so far. Los Angeles County corner...
Read full storySPECIAL Bill gaining momentum in Congress
(Seattle, WA) Northwest activist Ashley White has introduced legislation to Congress that would recommend capital punishment for Level 3 sex offenders.
Read full storyAmericans to learn 'English'
The US Government has announced that it will adopt English as its national language. English will be taught at schools. The business of government will be conducted in English. Even Hollywood
Read full storyFederer Runs Out Of Rackets; Still Defeats Roddick
Roger Federer has made it to the semi-finals of the US Open, overcoming Andy Roddick in straight sets, despite running out of rackets midway through the second set in what can only be described as an extraordinary night at Flushing Toilets.
Read full storyHeskey: "What The F**k Am I Doing In The England Squad?"
Wigan 'star' Emile Heskey has launched a blistering attack on England manager Steve McClaren, questioning the ex-Boro man's squad selection and calling for him to be sacked just days ahead of crucial Euro 2008 qualifiers.
Read full storyGreenpreace asks the new Democratic Congress to stop issuing White House subpoenas; its damaging the Amazon rainforest
Washington, D.C. - Though officially non-partisan, Greenpeace has called on the Democratic Party, its closest ally in Washington, to stop its assault on their mutual political foe, the GOP, inadvertently coming to their rescue in asking the Democrati...
Read full storyHuckabee Outed as Attack Chihuahua, Duels Ron Paul
6 Sep 07, DURHAM, NH, USNA-- At last night's CBC Republicacrat debate, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee carried out the mission entrusted to him by CFR Straw Poll delegates this weekend. Huckabee ordered all Republicacrats to vote for President-El...
Read full storySaving Private Ryan actor collapses from excessive bell ringing
Barry Pepper, who played a religious US sniper in war movie Saving Private Ryan, has collapsed from excessive bell ringing at a 15th century Italian church.
Read full storyAl Gore's Solution To Global Warming
(Washington) - Former Vice President, Oscar winner and global warming activist, Al Gore, today announced he has found the solution to the global warming crisis.
Read full storyMTV to show music videos
Music video channel MTV is to start showing music video's on a trial basis.
Read full storyStereotypes protest in Hollywood
Stereotypes are protesting at the gates of all the major Hollywood studios.
Read full storyFeds' Alaskan corruption-busting fever spreads to New Jersey
Trenton, New Jersey - (Disaster Press): The FBI's corruption and bribery busting fever has spread to New Jersey with the arrest of eleven public officials this morning including two New Jersey state assemblymen.
Read full storyGOP shot in the arm or shot in the foot? Thompson declares
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): A major GOP shot in the arm or a shot in the foot? That is the dilemma facing Republican supporters after the news that former Tennessee Senator Fred Thompson has declared himself a presidential runner for the White House...
Read full storyC-5 Galaxy variant hired to scatter Pavarotti's ashes over Mount Etna
Modena, Italy - (Corriere Parmigiano Regiano): A Lockheed C-5c Galaxy has been chartered from the US Air Force to airlift Luciano Pavarotti's cremated remains.
Read full storyMonks Get Shirty In Burma
Monks at a monastery in Burma have attacked and frightened twenty security officials who were trying to get some much needed rest after taking part in a jungle operation to quell anti-government forc...
Read full storyRAF Typhoons scrambled to intercept Russian jets from bombing German airport
High Wycombe, Bucks - (Disaster Press): Four RAF Euro-Frighter Typhoons were scrambled from RAF Strike Command Centre, High Wycombe yesterday to successfully intercept and slap down eight Russian Tupolev 95 bombers bound for Frankfurt airport and the...
Read full storyDoctor Opens First Larry Craig 'Gay-Loss' Center
Moestown, PA - "What Jenny Craig has done for weight loss, I plan on doing to help turn gay men straight," says Dr. B.J. Crepters, a psychotherapist who has a specialized practice where his actual gay cure rate was close to zero, before stu...
Read full storyLost Ninth Roman Legion found at Whitley Bay
Britannia: The 2,000-year old mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Ninth Legion in Britain has finally been solved. The 6,000 or so legionnaires have been located alive and well in Whitley Bay. The Roman Legion, commanded by Quintus Petill…
Read full storyPavarotti The Target Of A 1955 Manchester United Transfer Bid - Claim
Luciano Pavarotti, the Italian tenor who died this morning aged 71, was the subject of a secret Manchester United transfer bid as far back as 1955, it has been claimed.
Read full storyRon Paul Opposes GOP Iraq War Puppets
DURHAM (FMLiveWire) - Republican presidential puppets supported the war to grab Iraq oil on Wednesday night at a University of New Hampshire debate, while anti-war candidate Ron Paul warned that they will drag the party to defeat in the 2008 election...
Read full storyMen prefer attractive women over ugly ones, according to study
A five-year, government backed, $25 million University of Indiana study has shown that most men prefer attractive women over ugly ones.
Read full storyLocal mother so overweight, when she turns around it "sounds like a truck backing up"
Your Town - Your Mom, a local mother of you, has been reported as being so overweight that when she turns around eyewitnesses report that the accompanying sound resembles "a truck backing up".
Read full storyLocal boy with no musical talent proclaims local band "a bunch of assholes".
Stan Mendes, A local unattractive awkward boy with no musical talent referred to well groomed popular indie act Slersh as "a bunch of no talent overrated pretty boys". He later reaffirmed his anti band stance, saying: "The whole scene...
Read full storyBush Sees Ghosts, Cries Regularly
District of Columbia (Reuterus) - According to the new book 'Dead Certain: The Presidency of George W. Bush', President Bush confessed to author Robert Draper that he has seen the ghost of Harry S. Truman in the White House. In addition, he...
Read full storyDick Cheney's Saliva Determined to be Powerful Neurotoxin
District of Columbia (Reuterus) - According to the Office of the Vice President, significant amounts of the powerful neurotoxin Tetrodotoxin have been found to exist in his saliva.
Read full storyNinth-Annual Native American Music Awards Expected to be Biggest Yet
Niagara Falls, New York (The Paleface Press) - Rumor has it that the 2007 Native American Music Awards show (or NAMMY's) could generate sufficient interest from mainstream media to power a handful of incandescent light bulbs.
Read full storyToronto International Film Festival Portends Future Oscar Glory
TORONTO (Buzz Cut News) - The Toronto International Film Festival (or TIFF for short) kicked off Wednesday with film luminaries descending upon the city from all over the globe. Toronto, which derives its name from the native Huron word for 'dri...
Read full storyRon Paul Runs into Senator Craig in Airport Mens Room, Chooses him as Running mate!
Minnesota - After a busy day of campaigning in Minneapolis, Ron Paul was about to take a commuter flight home to Boise, Idaho, when his foot bumped into a man's foot in the restroom stall next to him. The two started talking about politics and on...
Read full storyB-52's carrying nuclear missiles over Red states by mistake; flight plan clearly called for flyover Blue states only
Washington, D.C. - It was just announced to the public that a B-52 was flown from North Dakota to Louisiana with six armed nuclear missiles on board this past August 30, each decommissioned cruise missile capable of producing a five to 115-kilotons y...
Read full storyAmerican Gay Toilet Sex Idol Larry Craig, keeps on a-tapping
Larry Craig, who has successfully transformed from unknown Republican Senator to the most famous gay toilet sex figure in history, has made a statement that he will withdraw his guilty plea and continue to fight his case until the end of the war in I...
Read full storyHalle Berry confirms she is pregnant; Eddie Murphy asked to surrender DNA sample live on The Maury Povich Show
Hollywood, California - Ending weeks of rumors, Halle Berry confirmed just today to several news media outlets that she is, in fact, pregnant. Eddie Murphy has issued his standard press release denying that he is the father. Meanwhile, Maury Povich h...
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