Moestown, PA - "What Jenny Craig has done for weight loss, I plan on doing to help turn gay men straight," says Dr. B.J. Crepters, a psychotherapist who has a specialized practice where his actual gay cure rate was close to zero, before stumbling on his new method.
If things go as planned, Dr. Crepters plans on opening his Larry Craig "gay-loss" centers around the country, all which will incorporate his revolutionary new therapy. The therapy promises to help gay men lose their gayness, and keep it off.
Dr. Crepters explains how the idea at the core of his new therapy was derived from the experience of one of his patients. "After a year of unsuccessful therapy, my patient -- I'll call him Mr. Peters -- walked into my office and told me not only was his TSS (Toilet Sex Syndrome) cured, but he almost no longer wanted sex with any man, all from repeated viewing of Larry Craig's mug shots on the evening news.
"That gave me the idea to use large photos and life size animated replicas of the Senator, to help cure gay men of their affliction. We've even got the lighting down to the glint on his glasses."
Entering the Larry Craig gay-loss center, the first thing you see is a toilet stall with no door, and a pants-down replica of Larry Craig bent down peering at you under the partition, while tapping his foot and fondling something tiny in his lap.
"That right there is enough to scare the living gayness out of you," the doctor related enthusiastically. I was not allowed to see more of the center or learn more about Dr. Crepter's methods since his application for franchise is still in the processing stage, but just this peek was a real dick shrinker.
The doctor explains how it all started. "Before the Larry Craig story broke, I tried all manner of sexual orientation change therapies, from electro-shock to what-would-Jesus-do, without much success. But this is unbelievable."
An online journal of contemporary sexuality has peer-reviewed his methods, based on preliminary two-day study of ten men at the center. While most of the subjects report some gay loss, there were three who also developed mild to severe cacaphobia; that is, fear of defecation in public restrooms, all wrought from the possibility of encountering Larry Craig or a Larry Craig-like person in a public restroom.