Mervyn King on Northern Rock says "buy Mars bars"
London (Phantom press) - It's been a bad week for the BOE governor after a grilling from the select committee on the Northern Rock fiasco.
Read full storyPutin 'a great world statesman' but sorely misunderstood
Bloodyvostock, Siberia - (Daily Ass Messki Interview Excerpt): "I had expected to find President Vladimir Putain cold, sinister and aggressive," the Daily Tosser's foreign editor Dave Blather said today, "but instead I fou...
Read full storyChurch spawns Anti-Christ
Cardiff, Wales - (Ass Mess & ReuterUs): Voice of an Angel and Crotch of a Rabid Hyena singing superstar Charlotte Church has given birth.
Read full storyAhmadinejad To Become Professor At Columbia University
(New York) - Islamic fundamentalist trouble maker and Iran president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, today announced he is accepting an invitation to become a full time professor at New York's Columbia University.
Read full storyBBC News Not Funny Enough, Viewers Poll Reveals
The National Viewers Association declared that the BBC evening news at 10 o'clock was a blight on the evening entertainment schedules of the BBC's flagship channel.
Read full storyBush Vetoes Children's Insurance
Washington (IP) - George Bush, who is the head of the American Bushstapo, vetoed the bill that would have funded poor children's insurance.
Read full storyChevron Oil's exclusive Thames Estuary drilling rights
County Hall - (Ass Mess): "We are totally and utterly f**ed!" a heavily perspiring Ken Livingstone, Mayor of London, shouted today at Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling after the Law Lords once again ruled that Chevron Oil has exc...
Read full storyMourinho : He truly is the Son of God
By deciding to 'celebrate' his semi retirement by floating across the length and breadth of Britain in what he is cheekily calling, 'my own last supper', Portuguese sex symbol, Jose Mourinho has finally announced what many of us have...
Read full storyMourinho seen in Northern Rock queue
Chelsea - (Ridiculous Mess): Ex-Chelsea FC coach Jose Mourinho was reportedly seen in queue outside the Kings Road branch of the Northern Rock Bank today clutching several large holdalls and flanked by heavies.
Read full storyEngland Dumped Out Of World Cup By USA
The World Cup is over for the England Women's football team after they were 'licked' by the USA today in China.
Read full storyBritney slams 'O J-style' hit 'n' run witch-hunt
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): Singer Britney Spears has hit out over a witch-hunt campaign that has resulted in her being charged in a hit and run incident.
Read full storySupreme Court Declares the Word "GAY" Means "Happy"!
Supremo El Courto, USA - Today the U.S. Supreme Court, in a 4 to 3 ruling, determined that the word "Gay" means "happy" and does not have any sex preferential meanings what-so-ever.
Read full storyDesperate gang members demand Psychoanalysis at gunpoint
In what is being called 'Final Societal Breakdown' or F.S.B. by social commentators, violent teenage gang members throughout America are beginning to demand expensive Psychoanalysis from top shrinks, sometimes even making their demands at gun...
Read full storyMental patient thanks Oprah for shooting his talking dog
A mental patient has praised the TV talk show host Oprah Winfrey for shooting his poodle with her AK-47 assault rifle.
Read full storyKelly Clarkson urges Pope Benedict to stop stalking her
Original American Idol winner, Kelly Clarkson has written an open letter to show business paper Vanity urging Pope Benedict XVI to cease his constant following of her.
Read full storyEngland Women To Face US In Quarter Finals
England Women will face a tough test in the Quarter Finals of the Women's World Cup in China when they come up against the improving United States who beat Nigeria 1-0 to top Group B.
Read full storyDoctors throw away anti-depressants and prescribe TheSpoof!
In a move that is worrying pharmaceutical companies, many GPs up and down the country have stopped prescribing anti-depressant drugs to patients and have started to prescribe TheSpoof! instead.
Read full storyTaxes Raised (and Lowered) in Maryland
ANNAPOLIS, MD -- In an inspiring yet confusing speech this afternoon, Governor Martin O'Malley outlined his new tax proposal, designed to eradicate the state's huge budget deficit. The governor's plan, described by some as "inane,&q...
Read full storyBritney Spears' Pussy Licks Paris Hilton's Pussy. Catfight Ensues!
New Cleaverland - It was a sunny day in a New York's Central Park yesterday and peaceful. Oh yes there was the occasional mugging and purse snatching and dope deals, but largely everyone was minding their own business.
Read full storyAhmadinejad to be a NYC Cabbie
Through a spokesman, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has just announced that he is expected to begin his new job as an NYC cab driver on Wednesday, following an appearance at a forum at Columbia University on Monday and addresses the United Nat...
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