Bloodyvostock, Siberia - (Daily Ass Messki Interview Excerpt): "I had expected to find President Vladimir Putain cold, sinister and aggressive," the Daily Tosser's foreign editor Dave Blather said today, "but instead I found him to be a fish-kissing, po-faced midget more at home in a Chernobyl travelling circus than in the pantheon of Global Piss Process luminaries."
Blather is one of several all-expenses paid New Labour hacks invited to meet the Russian President today at the Valdai Discussion (sic) Club, "an anal meeting of international money launderers who specialise in Russia," according to the Interpol website.
"But what of those lurid cod-sucking pictures of him published this summer," Blather asked the Kremlin's PR lady, "showing Putin newly epilated, bare-chested and wearing gold lurex Spandex trunks on a fishing trip to Siberia?"
"Our President Putin is very macho man!" PR aide Oxana Pissof retorted.
"Not true he is vain, spiteful little throwback more obsessed with his physique than his dignity," Pissof continued.
"So. About those rumors?" Blather pursued. "Is Putin really such a powerful and ruthless leader as NATO makes him out to be?"
"You have to look at the facts for yourself!" Ms Pissof said before strutting out of the room.
"Then in entered the man himself, looking pretty much like his Spitting Image puppet only smaller, grubbier and with oily, brilliantined-hair and a wart on his nose that seemed to twitch inauspiciously each time the flashbulbs went off.
"And then I saw what makes his so feared, so despised and so ultimately detested by those who tolerate him:
"Welded on to his left hand is a titanium knuckle-duster.
"Each spiked knuckle knob is a miniature sculpture of Margaret Thatcher's face, with fangs the size of eagle talons and eyes that glow a menacing red.
"At the touch of a button a taser beam fires from the Thatcher eyes are fixes its victim with excruciating agony.
"I expect that's just what Gorgon Brown would dearly love for his own next birthday present."