Welcome friends, enemies and enemas,
While other fine articles - such as Jalapenoman's somewhere else on this site - offer advice towards obtaining a lovely high ranking on TheSpoof.com, my advice is for all you sad f*ckers out there who, for whatever reason, want to obtain a piss poor rank.
So, enough with the chit-chat, let us go to:
THE COMMANDMENTS OF FAILURE
- THE TOP 20 WRITERS LIST SHALL BE AVOIDED:
The Top 20 list is scientifically obtained through a complex combination of the amount of times your beloved story has been viewed, advanced DNA testing and other random factors such as angle of the sun and amount of peas left on your plate after supper. If you appear on this list you must count that as a failure. And for those at the back I will say it one more time - APPEARING ON THE LIST COUNTS AS A FAILURE.Those who appear on this list have somehow managed to persuade others - through bribery or sexual favors - to view their random ramblings. The aim is to never appear on the list, so if your name is up there then YOU ARE A FAILURE.
- NEVER USE TAGS, EXCEPT IF THEY ARE CRAP TAGS
Tags are what some people use to help attract viewers to their stories and articles. Say your story is "Paris Hilton Eats Small Child", the writer would add the words "Paris Hilton", "Paris" and "Child" as their tags. But those wishing to obtain spiritual perfection (and have nobody read their tales) should ignore tags. Tags will lead others to your Paris Hilton story. You don't need that hassle.
- THOU SHALT IGNORE THE STAR RATINGS
Some view the star rating system as a way to judge the quality of your work. Others take the star ratings with a grain of salt because someone may like the story but not like the actual topic, for instance George Bush or Cabbage. For those who want to obey The Commandments of Failure, the star system is a barometer of how "well" we are following the rules. A five star rating? You're a teachers pet litle pr*ck, sucking up to The Man. A one star rating? Better, but it means someone wasted their time judging your work. No Stars? Now were talking. If your story gets zero rankings it means you have obeyed the rules correctly. Either your story is so crap it has illicted no response from the readers or, even better, noone has bothered their little heads to view it.
If you achieve a zero rating you are on the rightful path. - THOU SHALT WRITE GIBBERISH
Now this is a key point. Write absolute gibberish, tripe, rubbish, crap stories that make no sense whatsoever and moreover relate in no way to what any normal human being may be interested in. For example don't write about Paris Hilton or George Bush. People read these stories. Why? The f*ck do I know, but you should avoid 'em like the bubonic plague. Instead choose subjects such as "8th Century Kniting" and "Weavils". But remember not to go too bizarre. There are plenty of nuts out there who are attracted to weirdo storys which they think are "funny" 'cos their, well, weird. Believe me when I tell ya that quite a few of 'em hang around on TheSpoof.com. I had a story titled "Josh Brolin steals submarine and fires nuke while drunk on Barbara Streisands urine" a few weeks ago and it suddenly started to get hundreds of views out of nowhere.The freaks had found it. the freaks always find weird sh*t.
* THOU SHALT PUT YOUR STORY IN THE SCIENCE SECTION - THOU SHALT NOT POST REGULARLY
This one's pretty straightforward, unless you're a simpleton. If you don't post, you don't get on the list. The less you post the greater the chance you stand of avoiding the list. But you'd better hope that your "George Bush, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have sex with Jessica Alba in Iraqi fish'n chip shop" story doesn't get many visitors.
- DO NOT DISHONOR THY FATHER
Now this is the last step for those who struggle and fail at all the other Commandments. If you don't dishonor Mark - who is TheSpoof.com's God-like figure - you are safe. If you do dishonor Lord Mark, then your ass is his and you are f*cked. His mighty powers can have you banned and in extreme cases he has the power to make you his "love-slave" - which probably sounds better than it actually is. The idea is to stay on the site but avoid the list.It's a bit like in Schindlers list and you gotta think of yourself as a Ben Kingsley-type dude (or dudette. Keep your head down and pretend your doin' stuff and avoid those Nazi pr*cks - except theSpoof.com folks are nice people who just like to dress as National Socialists in their spare time.
If you have read all this advice - and more importantly follow it closely - then I guarantee you will be safe from the Top 20 Writers List for quite some time. If only Queen Mudder would take this advice...
As Bill Paxton would say: "Game over, man, game over"
When adding storys you are faced with the choice of which section they should be entered under: World News, Sports, UK News, US news. Does anyone read the Science section? The sciene area has some of the funniest stuff but c'mon who actually chooses to go there by choice? Stick your story about 14th Century Bagpipe repairs in the sciene section. It will be nice and safe with no readers to bother it while it has a nice long rest. Or even better stick your story in the Magazine section or the Joke section. Actually the joke section probably hasn't seen the lite of day since, well, the neolithic period. Just remember to stick your tale somewhere out of sight and sound.
THOU SHALT SPELL ABYSMALLY
I admit it. My spelling is sometimes atrocious. Call me an illiterate ass. Go on, say it. I know thats what you're thinking. Anyhow,if your story is so badly worded it may indeed turn others off from bothering to look up any other crap you've written. If you don't know how to spell something then just have a guess, or even better just make up a word. In fact, just make up a series of nonsense words that don't fit together at all. Here's an example:
Lrouwed Thyru Nilll Makejd Asgftrg fa.
Who cares what it means. It's sh*t and it will turn people off. Which is good for followers of (cue dramatic music) THE COMMANDMENTS OF FAILURE.
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