Nun: Ratzinger cured my haemorrhoids
Vatican Shitty - (Ass Mess): Pope Ratzinger's personal right-hand woman and Teutonic valkyrie minder Sister Ingrid Stampa has said it is a miracle that her piles have been cured by the Holy Father's very own healing hands.
Read full storyWhy Diana's memorial service is an insult to national intelligence
London - Assinine Mess): Enough of this Diana crap. Papers to be released next week will show that the scheming IRA bomber who masquaraded as Princess Diana was the illegitimate daughter of George Herbert Bush.
Read full storyAmerenIP hit with yet more trouble.
AmerenIP is the major supplier of power for much of the Southwestern portion of Illinois. It is also one of the most unlucky companies of 2006 and early 2007.
Read full storyMasturbation/Wanking to be Taught at all U.S. Schools
U.S. Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings announced today that masturbation, or wanking as it's known to most young boys, will be required teaching at all public schools in the U.S.
Read full storyCrap headscarf business riles Royal Navy hostage into demanding shampoo
Tehran Hilton - (Ass Mess): Leading Seawoman Faye Turney has defied her fundamentalist Iranian captors and demanded shampoo as an alternative to wearing a dodgy black scarf to hide her greasy tresses.
Read full storyPrince Harry To Be (a Burger) King After All
News reaching us today that Prince Harry is to pass over on his life of royalty and go instead for a career as a trainee manager with fast food giant, Burger King.
Read full storyKen Burns Forgot Latinos Fought in WWII
Ken Burns' amnesia keeps haunting his otherwise excellent documentaries. This time he has omitted all reference to the thousands of Latin Americans who risked and sometimes lost their lives in the Second Great War. This, of course, is not the fir...
Read full storyUtopGoogle!, New Feature Re-Imagines History!
UtopGoogle! New Orleans and Hurricane Katrina's devastation is gone, all evidence of genocide in Rwanda disappears on Utopgoogle! Iraq looks like it did in the peaceful days of SH's IT (Iraqi Tranquil). VietNam is undefoliated. The US South h...
Read full storyUS District Judge Says Forests Must Have Trees
Phyllis Hamilton, US District Judge, has made a decision which flies in the face of Bush administration Dis-environmental Protection agency.
Read full storyKieren Fallon slams Dettori as 'far bigger crook'
Ballydoyle - (Leprachaun Press): Disgraced former champion jockey Kieren Fallon has laid into fellow flat racing rider Frankie Dettori as being a 'far bigger crook, in as well as out of the saddle than I could ever aspire to being'.
Read full storyNCAA Outlaws Confederate Flag and Any States That Display It Anywhere
The NCAA (National Collegiate Athletic Association) has extended its ban on use of the Confederate flag. FOrmerly, the organization had declared that it would not allow NCAA Basketball Tournament games to be held in states that posted the flag offic...
Read full storyGeneralissimo Gonzo Vows :I'll Stay on the Job I Suck at!
Attorney General Alberto "Hitman" Gonzalez vows that he will stay on the job even though his execution of nearly a dozen US attorneys out of pure Bush loyalty has crippled his ability to be ag.
Read full storyGod And Lucifer Hold Secret Meeting
Inside a library of Victorian splendor. A sign on the door reads: "NO SOLICITORS".
Read full storyWhen Harry Met Don
Now, half way through the 'Stand Up Comedy Boom' Harry decided to cash in on his connections and he opened a Public Relations firm named 'Handled Messiahs INC' but unlike the joke circuit Harry's gift of gab, devilish good looks and sheer tenacity was not enough to land him the highly coveted big named clients. '...
Read full storyFife And The Girl From Elmira
When he first moved into the Chelsea Hotel, he had a gig at The Ed Sullivan Theater, on Broadway near 57th Street, a few bit guest slots on TV and Harry started getting a fair following.
Read full storyGive us Barabbas
Lost Gospel Barabbas Reveals; He Knew Jesus' true identity By Roger Turgid :For...
Read full storyMarie Osmond Seeks Second Divorce
Marie Osmond announced that she is seeking a divorce from her husband of twenty years. No reasons were given or announced by the couple. This is her second divorce from a man that she married "for all eternity" (not "til death do us...
Read full story'Solving' of Great Pyramids False, Truth Revealed
The mystery of how the pyramids were built has been claimed to be 'solved' by a French architect. However, his theories have now been categorically debunked by eye witnesses.
Read full story"Peter Crouch, The Greatest I've Ever Seen" - Thierry Henry. Liverpool 4 - Arsenal 1.
After witnessing his side's defeat at the hands of Liverpool, Arsenal's Thierry Henry had an amazing statement for the press; "Peter Crouch is the greatest striker I've ever seen."...
Read full storyBush Challenges Ahmajinedad
President BUSH in an attempt to elliviate the current hostage crisis in Iran has Challenged Iranian President Mahamud Ahmajinedad to an Internationaly Broadcast Debate...
Read full storyNo one's gonna April Fools Day spoof me says Blair
Chequers - (Rutters): A smug and confident UK Prime Monster Tony Blair told a press conference today that he is expecting a five mile parody exclusion zone around him at his country retreat of Chequers this weekend amid fears of some waggish prank be...
Read full storyChews-for-Jesus Easter egg manufacturer retalliates with choccy Jesus crucifixes
New York - (Ass Mess): Dismayed at fundamentalist Christian hogwash about a Manhattan gallery's 200lb chocolate Jesus sculpture being offensive an entrepreneurial candy manufacturer has rushed out an order for five million choccy Jesus crucifixes...
Read full storyJohn Revolta: how Scientology has kept me out of dole queue
London - (Assinine Press): John Revolta has told a BBC chat show host that if it wasn't for Scientology his tacky eighties-style toupee would have been outed years ago as a tatoo cover-up on his hairless pate spelling out I Am A Tosser.
Read full storyEngland conquer Ireland, It's just not cricket.
Somewhere in the Caribbean on one of those little Islands:- England 's cricketers defeated Ireland by 48 runs this morning and sparked wild scenes of celebration in both England and Ireland admittedly for differing reasons.
Read full storyBush Declares The End of Science!
Bush the President with more low science grades than Millard Fillmore has announced that science will no longer have any credibility in US society. Bush supports his ban on science with numerous citations from his favorite faith based superstitioners...
Read full story"Untill Man" Iraq War Hit Song!
American war culture has produced songs from the Revolutionary War: "Revere the Minuet", The Mexican War: "Llores, No canta", The Civil War: "When Johnny Came Limping Home Again", The Spanish-American war: "The Hava...
Read full storySuperhero Candidate #2008
It has been brought to the attention of Superman Headquarters that there are more superheroes than there are available positions for supermen and superwomen who are well qualified. And because Superman Headquarters is now a subsidiary of Justice Leag...
Read full storySanjaya Gets All Tuxedoed Up For Tony Bennett Week
The nine finalists on American Idol tackle classic American songs next week and Sanjaya promises another unforgettable performance…or at least another headline-grabbing, jaw-dropping "look".
Read full storyDonny Osmond's New Series, The Great American Dream, Axed by ABC
Donny Osmond's newest ABC television series was cancelled after only two episodes. The Great American Dream Vote, where contestants competed to make their dreams into reality, was not a winner with viewers and was put on semi-permanent hiatus, w...
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