Fife And The Girl From Elmira

Funny story written by blewkarma

Saturday, 31 March 2007


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Fife had been a Leading Dog Star in a very famous movie.

When he first moved into the Chelsea Hotel, he had a gig at The Ed Sullivan Theater, on Broadway near 57th Street, a few bit guest slots on TV and Harry started getting a fair following.

Before you know it, Old Harry was 'out 'doin' the circuit. '

He was on the road head lining skid-lid clubs around the country.

The stories he told were legendary.

'Now, this one in particular I hold very dear to my heart. 'He said a very plain but pretty girl, from Elmira Minnesota, told it to him while they both waited all night, one late August, for buses out of Saint Paul after a severe bizarre early snowstorm. '

'You see, the girl, a tiny little thing, her boobs were so small she had to carry her nipples in her purse.

Boobs, I love that word it makes me laugh every time. '

'She had come from a very poor family, a distressed farm, small town, and wanted to go and live in New York City. '

'Arriving at the Port Authority with a couple of dollars and 31 cents in her pocket, certain that she would get a part in a Broadway play, 'The Phantom of the Opera. '

'She got into a bad situation the first night out, with two less then gentle men who offered her a place to sleep. Go figure?

But the Sleaze bags felt sorry for her the next morning and sent her off with a couple of hundred bucks.

She spent a portion on some grubby digs near 42nd Street and a ticket to? '

'That's right, you guessed it 'The Phantom'. '

'After the show she was even more determined to obtain her dream of being on stage.

Needing some quick cash and a place to crash, she answered a want ad. '

'Someone wanted a dog sitter, a live-in, while the owner a much sought after "Punk Shui/ s&m/ furniture designer flew off for three weeks to Lake Cuomo Italy, to attend a conference for the haughty, naughty furnishing Biz.

And as Karma would have it, she lived in The Chelsea Hotel. '

'The dog Fife, a small poodle, was very old and spoiled and thus could not make the trip.

The woman gave many orders and directions to be followed.

Fife had been a Leading Dog Star in a very famous movie.

Ah, see?

You remember it?

And she replaced a notorious Leading Actress who had been hired for the part. '

'If I was at liberty to tell you her name I would but they'd kill me if I did

Yet, you would be astonished, considering the unfortunate turn of events. '

The foremost 'Good Doggie Rule' she said.

'Fife must never ever get up on the white leather couch. '

'It was designed and made by my late lovers hands, but she would say loafers in a faux Italian accent, which gave the girl a secret laugh. '

'About two days into this the girl has had it, she's fed up with trying to stop Fife from perpetually attempting access to that Holiest Of Fife Grail, 'The White Leather Couch'.

'So, she does what one does out on the farm to a 'pesky little critter. ' Latch her to a short leash. '

'Fife starts barking up a storm tugging and jerking, paws scratching the floor, so much so, the girl was getting worried about the fine finished floor when suddenly Fife kind of keels over and rolls on her back jerking and heaving and then still silence. '

'Needless to say the girl freaks! '

'Do I call that horrible lady? Or run, skedaddle it back to Elmira's and mama's sweet arms. '

'But she does the right thing and calls the women, at the Hotel Angelica in Italy. To her surprise the women takes it well; but now she wants the girl to. . . '

Go to my wardrobe and take the bright orange box, in it is a bag, it's up on the second shelf, far right. Put Fife, my darling rest in peace, in the bag and take her, to my Vet across town, to be cremated. Dr Tannenbaum will know what to do for Fife'.

'At this point the girl just wanted to be done with this nasty deed. She begins scrambling around the wardrobe closet looking and finding the bright orange box. Inside, a $37, 000 Hermès 'Birkin' bag, made of orange crocodile, and embellished with palladium hardware. '

'With out a clue to its value, in goes dead as a door knob Fife, and down to the street they go to hail a cab across town but; a parade on 6th Avenue diverted traffic on 23rd Street that Sunday and so she starts sheleping the bag and stiffening Fife down to the subway. Halfway there a very good looking, nicely dressed, young man, of about 23 begins walking beside her he starts chatting her up. '

'They walk side by side to the #1 subway station and the girl is taken with his good looks and sophisticated city charms, he seems unlike any of the young men back in Elmira, the girl is thinking that perhaps everything is not quite so bad as it appears, right? '

'Perhaps this whole fiasco has a purpose in nurturing her ultimate goal. Perhaps she can live in this city and be on the stage live a life in love with this charming, handsome? the man gently offers to help her with her bag but the girl declines as they continue to walk and talk. '

'They walk slowly together flirting, down the platform a train can be seen in the distance. Suddenly, the young man punches the girl knocking her down on to the platform. He grabs the bag and jumps down onto the tracks, just as the train is entering the station. '

'Dashing in a mad desperately comical race in front of the train, he runs off into the black tunnel and presumably out on to the street, $37, 000 Hermès "Birkin" bag, made of orange crocodile and embellished with palladium hardware and a rigorously, rigor mortised Fife, as a surprise kicker'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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