Womble wins Wimbledon
In a surprise twist in the tennis world, an unseeded Womble has won Wimbledon. The furry creature, named Tomsk, won the annual tennis contest controversially when his opponents were all disqualified for littering.
Read full story"Everything Is Crap" - Dr Zygote
The world-famous spiritual guru and eminent psychic Dr Krushchev T Zygote today revealed to an astonished world that EVERYTHING is "crap".
Read full storyMick Jagger Calls it Quits After Plastic Surgery Fiasco
Breaking News! Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger has just announced that he plans to retire. This comes only days after the rock crooner held a press conference to discuss his recent plastic surgery, which apparently went dreadfully wrong.
Read full storyHomeland Security Director Chertoff Announces New Regulation for Commercial Flights
Michael Chertoff, Director of the Department of Homeland Security, announced today the implementation of new rules for airline travelers. Whereas, in the past, the focus had been on preventing explosive devices from being carried aboard commercial a...
Read full storyNew Seven Wonders of the World released, based on Taliban's all-time favorite hit list
High Sierra, Afghanistan - After the Taliban blew up the giant Buddha statue in Bamiyan, Afghanistan in 2001, top Taliban commanders have not conducted a poll to determine their all-time favorite targets they wished to destroy until today. On their a...
Read full storyUSS Kitty Hawk 'Bumps' into Sydney Harbour Bridge
SYDNEY (Aust.) -- The U.S. navies largest floating airport has accidentally run into the Sydney Harbour Bridge. A big chunk fell out.
Read full storyMan held hostage by own moustache freed by SAS squad.
Lancaster- England. Reports are filtering through that a man named locally as Mark Lowton has been freed from captivity by a crack team of the SAS's newly formed specialist depilatory attack division.
Read full storyBaboon Bums Enhance Women
BEVERLY HILLS (Calf.) EXCLUSIVE-- It is not widely known that baboon bottoms are as 'soft' as a babies, and that the hairless reddish color becomes soft toned on being deceased. They are 'perfect' for enhancing women's bosoms. H...
Read full storyMMR quack doctor Wakefield suspected of recruiting NHS terrorists
London - (Ass Mess): UK police investigating the foreign terorists who constructed car bombs for detonation in London and Glasgow have said they are probing links that they were recruited by MMR triple-jab quack doctor Andrew Wakefield.
Read full storyDrug abuse during pregnancy and not MMR jab responsible for autism
Cambridge - (As Mess): A team of Cambridge immunologists has come up with the unorthodox findings that smoking, overdoing alcohol, prescription drugs, cannabis and other narcotics such as cocaine and E tabs is directly linked to autism in children.
Read full storySo where did the $100 million Live Earth profits go?
New Yotk - (Ass Mess): An estimated $100 million profit was made from the weekend's Live Earth concerts around the globe. But anybody thinking this might have been donated to noble good causes such as the Tsunami Relief Fund or the victims of Hu...
Read full storyEasy Jet? 'Not Any More!' says Stelios
LONDON. Breaking the tradition of years, and every one of the aims and strategies that has held the famous 'easy' company in good stead, Stelios Anjwoydasomething-i-don't-know-your-surname had recently announced the new dangerous, daring...
Read full storyRevealed: secrets that Miss England hid from her rivals
London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Glamorous looks and a toned young body. You'd think that the newly crowned Miss England is the ultimate pin up with a big chance of winning the next Miss World competition.
Read full storyKate Middleton's sacrifice for William
London - (Ass Mess): Some women sacrifice their virginity. Some sacrifice careers. And some even sacrifice entire well-planned futures all for the sake of that special man.
Read full storyNew Sex Toy Set To Take UK BY Storm
Sex Shop chain, Anne Summers, has today revealed what it hopes will be its new best seller.
Read full storyLive Earth sparks lively dispute
An estimated 1.8 billion people attended or watched broadcasts of pop concerts in more than 500 venues around the world on July 6 as part of "Live Earth", a global music marathon organized by former US vice president Al Gor...
Read full storyLabour and the Conservatives to unite
Speculation is mounting of a dramatic realignment in British politics that will see the Labour Party and the Conservative party unite to form a permanent alliance, and ultimately a new party, the United Democratic Party of Great Britain or UDP.
Read full storyKim Jong Il Checks Into Rehab
(MUSICMAN PRESS) MUSICMAN'S own Wang Chang Chow, of North Korea, reported to us that the hard-nosed dictator Kim Jong Ill, has checked into a Californian rehabilitation center. He also said that Kim was listed in the center as a substance abuse p...
Read full storyRon Paul Campaign Resorts to Cloning for Fund Raising Boost
It is a well known fact that all Ron Paul supporters are a bunch of fanatical web programmers that spend their entire natural lives creating bots to spam online polls. Ron Paul ever the opportunist has decided that he can use this tactic in his fund...
Read full storyWorlds Earliest Being Linked to Rush Limbaugh
APE Line News - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh was caught by surprise by news that his DNA is nearly an exact match with Luther, a 3 billion year old humanoid from the Crustatian period.
Read full storyNew String Theory: The Universe is Made of Duct Tape
Hardly University's finest have won a Nobel Prize in physics for their newest paper, "Tape it Up," which explains the ultimate theory of life, the universe and everything. Atoms and the tiniest particles known are not made of indescrib...
Read full storyWerewolf Extinction?
First the snowmen now the werewolves, Professor Ima Dorc of Hardley University is again warning of the possible extinction of a near-human species.
Read full storySpongebob Unhappy with Bottom Expansion
"This is not what Bikini Bottom is supposed to be like," complains Mr.Squarepants. The success of his show has people moving to the Bottom by the dozens. The population increase has pushed the patty capacity of the Krusty Krab to the limi...
Read full storyBlue Spaghetti for Healthy Kids
Healthy eating is in and companies are trying to devise ways to disguise healthy foods in children's meals. "Every one knows children will not eat anything they know is good for them, so we have to make it look unnatural and unhealthy,"...
Read full storyBush Unveils "No Terrorist Left Behind" Plan
Speaking to the nation from the Oval Office last evening, President George W. Bush unveiled a new plan for identifying international terrorists who are currently in the United States illegally. Similar to administration plans for identifying and leg...
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