Cambridge - (As Mess): A team of Cambridge immunologists has come up with the unorthodox findings that smoking, overdoing alcohol, prescription drugs, cannabis and other narcotics such as cocaine and E tabs is directly linked to autism in children.
"For years we tried to pin the blame on the triple MMR jab," a spokesman said today.
"The resulting class action against the MMR manufacturers mean that we were looking at a potential payout of over £500 billion if we could stitch up a case proving our theory.
"Unfortunately we chose an old fraudster like Dr Andrew Wakefield to fight the case that MMR jabs lead to autism.
"He's such a greedy little shit and couldn't keep his paws off the dosh from the Legal Aid Board to prove parents' nightmares were right about the triple jab having harmed their kids.
"But he was taking backhanders to fun his biased research from anybody and everybody before getting caught fiddling the numbers on the clinical trials.
"We tried to warn him the stats about drug abuse by pregnant mums was over-riding any other considerations.
"But he was too far gone in his quest for glory to notice just what a momumental cock-up he'd made of the research."
Mystig Meg is 69.
