The world-famous spiritual guru and eminent psychic Dr Krushchev T Zygote today revealed to an astonished world that EVERYTHING is "crap".
Zygote, a member of the Illuminati Secret Circle And Ectoplasm Distributor's Union, said that the world had "gone crap because of those 'engram' things that L Ron Hubbard goes on about. You know, those programs in your head". Pressed further, Zygote responded, "Are you all thick or what??? Them ENGRAM things! The things in the book!"
The doctor, after being restrained by medics who administered powerful drugs, looked older than his normal 'twenty of your Earth millenia', but continued: "It's all in the books. The human race is descended from a species of 'Corduroy Beings Of Light', who landed in gramophone players from the planet Quex. These entities realised the backwardness inherent in human design, so introduced a special gene, designed to lift us from a state of animalism into spiritual awareness. The project went terribly wrong when the wigs they gave us started melting due to being made in Wimbledon Fortnight, and the hen got run over by a snake on casters".
Not everyone agrees with Dr Zygote's analysis. Professor Jurassic Park of Princeton University claimed that "Zygote is totally insane. Only yesterday, he appeared at St Paul's Cathedral claiming to be the long-lost son of Count Dracula. He had on a cape made out of polythene bags and a sombrero. There's little hope for him, I'm afraid"
Anyone interested in Zygote's prophecies can read his three-volume work, "Aaaaaagh, They're Coming" (Hodder and Stoughton, price £15.99)
