Speaking to the nation from the Oval Office last evening, President George W. Bush unveiled a new plan for identifying international terrorists who are currently in the United States illegally. Similar to administration plans for identifying and legalizing the millions of undocumented immigrants from Mexico, President Bush's plan, dubbed No Terrorist Left Behind, aims to give undocumented militants a path to citizenship.
"I think we finally have a solution to the problem of terrorism", Bush said. "As soon as these terrorists come forward and identify themselves, we can begin the process of Americanization. I think that deep down in his heart of hearts, every terrorist really wants to be an American and that's why they have hated us so much. So, we'll just make them Americans. Mission accomplished!"
According to the Bush plan, in addition to coming forward to identify themselves, undocumented militants will be required to pay a $5,000 fine, return to their countries of origin, and complete required immigration paperwork before coming back into the United States.