TV's Noel Markets New Range Of Phones To Mark His Success
TV's Lazarus man, Noel Edmonds, is riding the wave of his current success which today sees him marketing his own range of retro-telephones.
Read full storyElvis Costello Beamed Aboard An Alien Spacecraft
Reports tonight that eighties songsmith, Elvis Costello, has been beamed aboard a spaceship whilst walking in the park.
Read full storyLamb to the slaughter: Roddick v Federer
Melbourne Park - (Rioters): "Just don't know why he does it to himself. You'd think he'd learned by now. I mean it's just so humiliatin' and what have you, and it's every time. Every time he walks on the court looking li...
Read full storyNinja Kitten Band to promote Walter Mitty Romney's soft side?
Washington DC - (Rotters): A virtually unknown British band, 7 Seconds of Love - whose recent song 'Ninja' featuring animation of dancing Ninja kittens was the subject of a successful lawsuit against soft drinks giant Coca Cola over unauthori...
Read full storyNew Strategy for Iraq Announced
In a very exclusive press conference this morning President Bush announced, "I had a dream." Reporters immediately left briefly to locate Vice President Cheney to inquire if the president was aware he missed capitalizing on paraphrasing the...
Read full storySAS unit poised to swoop on US Ambassador's residence
London - (Rotters): An elite squadron the the Special Air Service - the SAS - is poised to swoop on the Regent's Park residence of US Ambassador Robert 'Katie' Holmes Tuttle after covert operations revealed that the Bush envoy intends to...
Read full storyLetter From the Past Slates Destiny's Child Shock!
The following is the text of a letter received by The Times (London) on March 31st 1934. The letter was sent by Sir Oberon Mackril-Sparkle and was prompted by a quirk in the time/space continuum that caused his Radiogramme to pick up a signal from 2004 and play him the entirety of "Independent Women" by Destiny's Child.
Read full storyCelebrity Medium to join Big Brother House
News of a new twist in the life of the Z listers was revealed today. Celebrity, and currently 45,000th most influential person in the world, Derek Acorah, Psychic Medium best known for his work on LivingTV's 'Most Haunted', is set to join...
Read full storyNasty NASA Bans Plucky Pat From Mars Mission
It's a sad day today for Pat Spacecadet from Edinburgh, as he is finally facing reality and giving up on his dream of being the first man to set foot on Mars.
Read full storyCruise the Redeemer's wife admits pool man is their sperm donor
Hollywood - (Rioters): The wife of Scientology's Anointed Redeemer Tom Cruise has admitted that their baby daughter Slurry was conceived with sperm donated in an act of totally selfless altruism by their pool man.
Read full storyBlair Adopts 'Englishman' Murray
It has been revealed that Tony Blair has adopted Scots tennis ace Andy Murray (15), in a move that will be seen as a bare-faced attempt to give the English something to cheer about after the Ashes whitewash. English...
Read full storyMourinho demands suspension of Premiership
In an astonishing press conference this morning, Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho demanded the immediate suspension of the Premiership. He is angry that other clubs are "taking extreme advantage" of the West London club's injury problems -...
Read full storyJermaine in Battery Crisis
Jermaine Jackson, one of the Celebrity Big Brother contestants and face of the new Brylcreem "a nouit" range of traditional hair products, was denied vital supplies of his battery pack in a cynical twist to the drama from within ca...
Read full storyPixelated Horror For Rogue Builder Informant
A man who appeared in the Channel 4's Rogue Builders programme, and blew the gaffe on his boss, Mr. Ron Twosugars (Building Contractor), has suffered long term damage from the pixelation he received to hide his true identity.
Read full storyBush Meets his (Perfect) Match
President George W.Bush has finally found his ideal partner in the form of British reality TV-girl, Jade Goody. The American president admitted that Jade is everything he could ask for in a woman, smart, funny and in support of his "war on terro...
Read full storyBBC Question Time Walkout Over Robot Fart
NORWICH - Last night, a panel of distinguished panellists including Janet Street-Wartier, Michael Ignites, Germaine Warfare, and others from Emmerdale, walked out of the Barrymore Theatre in Norwich, during filming of BBC Question Time. Amidst accusa...
Read full storySouth African Scavenger Beach Misery
Misery has ensued for thousands of rich white South Africans fleeing to Britain, as the ship containing their possessions ran aground and was scavenged by bloodthirsty mobs on a Devon beach. Nelson Mandela, informed...
Read full storyBlair disappears as 'Cash for Peerages' row escalates.
Gordon Brown finally admitted last night, that Tony Blair has not been seen since Friday.
Read full storyASDA build 'Death Store' to crush rebel shopkeeping alliance.
ASDA have been criticised for building a weapon the size of a planet which, if predictions are correct, will be capable of wiping out all small newsagents and tobacconists.
Read full storyEndemol to televise live 'Goodyhunt' on Channel 4
In a surprise move, the Prime Minister has bowed to public opinion and relaxed the ban on hunting, in order that Jade Goody and her family can be set free on Wimbleton Common and pursued by members of the public.
Read full storyDiana Interview Was "Doctored" - Claim
The interview Princess Diana gave to Martin Bashir in 1995, was "grossly edited", it has been claimed.
Read full storyOral Sex and Dental Hygiene
A study by the American Dental Association has revealed that oral sex is a great way to keep your teeth and gums healthy and pearly white.
Read full storyDoubles replace Howard Stern and his Entourage
Tampa Florida, Jan 15 2007, A cover up with the potential to eclipse Watergate has been discovered today by this reporter and the investigative staff at the TheSpoof.com...
Read full storyBush admits I'm a Bush!
Reggie Bush after his loss to the Bears in the NFC Championship game made a shocking announcement: "I'm a Bush!"...
Read full story"The Thunderer" Has The Clap!
In a surprise announcement by the usually demur Times, we learned today that nearly everyone of the Thunderer's editorial writers have come down with "the clap".
Read full storyI, ET McCrone Want to Be Your PrezMinister, PtII
OK so some wise guy engineers are questioning the soundness of my Bridge across the Lake(see I, ET McCrone, Jan 21). Normally I would dismiss these pencil-necked pocket-protecting geeks but since I'll probably need every vote I can get I will address their concerns in upcoming articles.
Read full storyMcCrone's Agents Have State of Union Draft
Agents swearing allegiance to recently announced candidate for PrezMinister, ET McCrone say they found a draft of Bush's big speech on a bench in Paddington Station.
Read full storyTwist Yourself To A Leaner You
DENMARK, ICELAND--(Press Release) - Are you one of the many people who want a trimmer, healthier lifestyle. You are not alone, 50 million Americans go on diets each year. There are now literally thousands of weight loss products and programs on the market. It's easy to become overwhelmed by all of the different choices with some of them down right bad.
Read full storySMU Goes With The Theodore J. Kacynski Library
Some may remember the controversy over the proposed George W Bush Presidential Library at Southern Methodist University in Texas. Well,that fight appears over as f...
Read full storyJealous Britney Spears Checks Into Rehab Too
Partying around town without underwear is not the only thing Britney Spears will do to get attention. Britney is angry that actress Lindsay Lohan has knocked her off the headlines with drunken escapades which were then followed by checking into a sw...
Read full storyServer Farm Laborers Go On Strike; Say Integrity Compromised
Workers at a North Carolina server farm went on strike today protesting a morally compromising work environment. They cited lewd and unconsecrated images and stories being held and disseminated by data banks inside the servers housed on the farm.
Read full storyPrinceton strikes out on a bold path
Princeton University, originally The College of New Jersey, a Protestant seminary in colonial days, has made the brave decision to commit to an austere path; Princeton will freeze its tuition at $33,000. per year.
Read full storyRatings of Local Newscast Soar When Weatherman Is Fired
"Who cares if it's going to snow or rain when you can learn all the latest about who's in and who's out of Rehab?"...
Read full storyMovie Ratings System Replaced With "What Would Jesus Watch?"
Hollywood announced today that their current movie-ratings system would be scrapped and replaced with a "What would Jesus watch?" rating structure. Critics of the current system complain it is too secretive, inconsistent, and no longer use...
Read full storyAbundance of Rain Causes Overflow of X-Rated Server-Waste Lagoons on Server Farm
Residents of the mountain town of Lenoir had to hold their noses today when a server-waste lagoon overflowed and began contaminating the area with X-rated pictures from the internet.
Read full storyScientists Prove That God Evolved From Monkeys
Many Christians have denied evolution for years, insisting that their made-up 'intelligent design theory' was more believable. But now scientists have proven that if God does exist, which he probably doesn't, but if he does then he must h...
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