Agents swearing allegiance to recently announced candidate for PrezMinister, ET McCrone say they found a draft of Bush's big speech on a bench in Paddington Station.
McCrone agent Patrick McGooney said that he couldn't believe his luck as he made the announcement to an assembly of British Gossip Rags at their annual Vegamite luncheon: "It was right where they say that that bear in the raincoat from Peru was found. I was rummaging through some newspapers for some lunch and I spied the connect-the dots diagrams. (Speechwriters for Bush have long been known to use paint by numbers and connect the dots to give the not very great orator some idea of what he is supposed to be saying.)
Excerpts from the speech will appear in tomorrow morning in the Star, The Mirror, the Sun and The Semi-Daily Dust Bin. An anticipated quote leaked from these usually airtight sources appears here: "My fella Amuricans and you other inferior folk around this flat earth who wish they could live in Texas or its satellite states. I knowed I'ze made some misstakes...IraK,Afganistand, the e-konomee, sex with Blair, no sex with Laura, gnoring globle warmin', supportin' dizeaze by hordin' those trunk cells, persecutin' queers to kiss religious ass, kissin' religious ass instead of Laura's...I could go on and on and on-Now sit on down you Democ-rats! Don't get so cocky since you got some votes - remember what happened to Clinton when he got cocky - Sorry Hills, they made me do it and McCain wrote the joke..."
The rest of the speech was considered indecipherable even by the illiterates at the British dailies. McCrone clearly views this find as a coup for his campaign to reunify the Uniteds, his proposed name for the amalgamation of the United States and Kingdom. A huge banner dropped from the stage, after agent McGooney spoke, with the Liverpool-NY-Tucson lift/elevator operator turned candidate's campaign slogan: McCrone - Low Class in Two Lands - Goooiiing Up!
