Big Fight At Lulu's Bar
Policeman: Apparently it all started when one guy at the bar began Bogarting the Monkey Clumps.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Gun manufacturer shot by own gun
The CEO of a major U.S. gun manufacturer was rushed to intensive care this morning after having been mortally wounded by one of the firearms his company sells. He is listed in critical condition.
written by Skews Me, 24 November 2013
New Report Finds Climate Change Caused By 7 Billion Key Individuals
Biden: "I'd hate to be in their shoes right now!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Wolf Blitzer Gets A Call From PETA
Wolf Blitzer has stated that PETA has asked him to change his first name from Wolf to Wally or Willie, or Woody.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Anderson Cooper Has Alec Baldwin All Figured Out
Anderson Cooper told Jay Leno that he thinks that the reason why Alec Baldwin is always angry is because deep down inside he is a fairy and he wants to dance with Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Cheech & Chong - The Original Pot Heads Are Back
Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong, known as Cheech and Chong are reuniting for another marijuana movie. The title is Cheech and Chong: Growing and Selling Pot At The Old Folks Home.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Adam Lambert - The Undisputed King of Glitter
Adam Lambert has said that he plans to change his middle name to Glitter.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
The New and Improved Penn & Teller
After Penn & Teller's Raymond Teller threatens to break up the team, Penn Jillette agrees to change the name to Teller & Penn.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Sarah Palin Needs To Stay In Alaska And Cook and Eat Everything She Shoots
Sarah "The Loose Moose" Palin has been asked by President Obama and Vice-President Biden to stay out of the Lower 48 as much as possible because she has become the nation's #1 disruptive element.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
The Meanest Comedian In The History of American Television
Don Rickles, known as The Angry Comedian, celebrated his 103rd birthday by spitting on his birthday cake, his nose, his shoes, and his crotch region.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Gary Busey Will Need A Special License
Gary Busey has expressed a desire to travel to Mars and drive around the planet in the land rover Curiosity.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Rosie Perez - The Original Voice
Actress Rosie Perez who has one of the highest shrilled voices in the entertainment business says she's working on lowering her voice. She said she's been taking male hormones and spitting a lot.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Susan Boyle? Wasn't She That Homely Singer Who...
Susan Boyle recently remarked that she is not in the Witness Protection Program and explained that the reason she is hardly ever seen is because her 15 minutes basically ran out.
written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 November 2013
Mick Jagger to be great-grandfather
"What a drag it is, getting old!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Monsanto patents masturbation, demands bodily fluids
Genetic engineering giant Monsanto has laid claim to masturbation, requiring those who wish to utilize their patented process submit each time a fresh sample of their sexual bodily fluids.
written by Skews Me, 24 November 2013
Pope puts 'St. Peter's bones' on display #2
Pope: "Read 'em and weep Billy Graham. What do you have, Luther's tie?"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Pope puts 'St. Peter's bones' on display
Regis: Wait a minute. Those look more like St. Paul's to me."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Reporter: Kerry Left Iran Talks With Head Down.
Kerry: If you had a head this size you'd rest it any time you could, too.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Biden: 'Come hell or high water, we're going to win this'.
Al Gore: "I can guarantee it will be high water and you'll wish you had my ark."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
State confirms health website security breach.
Thieves now have social security numbers, home addresses of hundreds of thousands. President reassures victims that it will be fixed as soon as they get a grip on economy, Middle East mess, Obamacare.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Serial Killer Arrested, Mocked By John Cleese & Neighbors
Across the road neighbors of a man arrested for being a serial killer describe the man as "fair but cruel".
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Husband Wants Viagra!
"George always has to have Viagra, the big softy", wife tell pollster. "I prefer Cialis or Levitra but he's so hard headed!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
President Being Depants On Iran Talks
Did I say depants? I meant debriefed...I guess the pants went first, then the briefs.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Football Fans Still Talking About Bad Call
NFL team was on opponent's ten-yard line & was called for holding on next play & penalized "Halfway to the Goal Line" back to their own 45. Coach, six players & official that made call all thrown out.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Big Bang Even Older
Most recent find by archaeologists push the big bang theory back one million, two hundred thousand years and 3 months due to realizing they had forgotten about leap year.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
The Correctness Campaign Going Strong
From here on out a "lame" duck President will be a 'Limping Swan' President.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Hitler's Penis on eBay
Hitler's penis is being offered on eBay but many asking, "How do they know?" Most bids coming in from Brazil and Argentina.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Finally: Fume-filtering underwear #10
Manufacturer recommends washing outside and hanging on the line till dry and then beaten with a broom.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Blow by Blow: 10 Politicians Linked to Cocaine
Get it, "Blow". Clever, media, clever.
written by Tony Bagodonutz, 24 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #819
According to Snoops: There is no Native American word for "Crackerjacks".
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Vatican unveils bone fragments said to be St. Peter's
Added to others at different locations, St. Peter was twenty foot tall and had seven legs.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Obamacare enrollment for 2015 to be delayed a month
Possibly six months or sometimes before President leaves office.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
World's Oldest Couple Divorce
A man & woman in China became the oldest couple in the world to divorce as they are both 99. "Thought he died", stated wife. "I can't hear shit. Didn't even know we were still wed! Who did we bury?"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Finally: Fume-filtering underwear #9
Inventor says that he's now working on each person having their own 'bean tone'!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Finally: Fume-filtering underwear #8
Comes just in time because most Americans will only be able to afford beans to eats soon.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
9 things you should know about Molly
Number one: Who or what is Molly? 2. Animal or vegetable? 3. Is sh bigger than a bread box?
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #596
According to Snoops: Most popular name of those little dogs that yap till they drive you nuts? "Richard Simmons"!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #1111
According to Snoops: The very first lady that learned to yodel was Old Lady Who!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
New Law: Check the package with hamburger
"You will now be able to see where "Bessie" was born, lived, went to school, her criminal record and where she died.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
More drivers testing positive for pot: Washington State Patrol
Goal is to raise over one million dollars in fines the first year.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Turkey teacher protests
"You can't teach these dumb birds anything. We need a chimp or at least white rabbit, squirrel."
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Iran Nuclear Deal?
Iran struck a historic deal Sunday with the United States and five other world powers, agreeing to a temporary freeze of its nuclear program. Also, Swear they would never really hurt Israel.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
TWITTER Toughening Security to Thwart Gov't Snoops.
Soon they will hear a loud scream in middle of listening to anyone or reading messages. Each person will have their own password to release scream.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Kerry Trying Hard to Make Deal With Iran
U.S. sending over Monty Hall to assist John Kerry.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Olympic Stadium Shock
First match: West Ham v Leyton Orient. Division 3 (old style)
written by j.w., 24 November 2013
Politicians Vs. Credibility
Breaking News! If politicians want to be credible, they must know SOMETHING about the thing that they are attacking! (File this under "Common Sense Updates"!)
written by Anan E Maus, 24 November 2013
True Facts From Snoops #107
According to Snoops: Over 95% of all cook books are written by big fat people!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
World War II U-Boat Found With Skeletons
"They didn't even know that the war had been over for almost 70 years", says young recruit.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Public masturbation on rise in Vancouver.
Mayor blames truck load of Viagra pills overturned on turnpike!
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Just the Beginning: Afghanistan Troop Deal Prelude to Another Half Decade of War
Can Mr. Obama keep ANY of his promises. We were already supposed to be out of there.
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Pentagon Outlines Stronger Military Presence in the Arctic
Nerds: You silly people. We already have Superman and his Fortress of Solitude!"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
Massive Robot May Soon Join Marines on Battlefield.
"This guy may be a match for Godzilla! Glad he's on our side. Wonder if he could breathe fire?"
written by Bureau, 24 November 2013
