Spoof news snippets from Friday 29 November 2013
No Time Machine Please
Scientists say that a Time Machine would prove a negative mood when once you are shown what actually happened at the time.
Obamas might stay in DC after 2016
Rand Paul: "I don't think they'll want to show their heads anywhere else."
Rouhani: Iran's nuclear plants to stay
"Papers American President was holding up must have been the ones from the White House toilet! Ha!"
Joe Biden Gets Feeling he Might Be Blamed & Fired #3
In 1548, Nostradamus wrote: "And the second guy, won't even know why, but the Reider sat where the Biden had Biden five years before! Ah cha cha cha!!"
Joe Biden Gets Feeling he Might Be Blamed & Fired #2
For one thing, his new office is in a brand new, 2014, Olive Painted Dumpster Behind White House!
Joe Biden Gets Feeling he Might Be Blamed & Fired
Asked over what, he replied "Oh, he'll think of something."
Saddam Hussan Lawyer Speaks Out
"He said he'd rather hang than spend another hour in that spider hole. Said it was haunted."
'Tax havens' to share details with IRS.#2
There's a whole lot of sweating going on around the world over hidden fortunes with no taxes ever paid!
'Tax havens' to share details with IRS.
So many calls to Cayman Islands that the system goes down. Maybe there are enough crooks with hidden money there it will pay our debt way down.
Man With Two Heads Seeks Compensation From U.N. Commission Of Proverbs
emphatically stating, "If you really think two heads are better than one, you should try walking a mile in my shoes."
"Black Friday Is Not Enough," Say UK Retailers
'As it's so easy to whip shoppers into a spending frenzy,' said a UK retailers' spokesman, 'we are considering the introduction of "Hysteria Saturday" and "Psychotic Sunday" to follow "Black Friday."'
Crustacean Invasion! Millions of Red Crabs Take Over Australia's Christmas Island
Wife upset: "Your mother lives with us and now we move to crab island...you said Christmas!!"
Hundreds of doctors have left the states, a lot of them to study Voodoo medicine in Haiti.
December Shows Promise
December jobs report seen showing greater hiring. Whoops. Sorry Mr. President I put your message out too early. I won't do it again.
Three unpublished J.D. Salinger stories appear online
Several early readers say they were a little disappointed in "Catcher In The Haystack".
Journal retracts genetically modified corn study that found tumor risk in rats
The Government can give out a lot of money to keep things quiet. Researchers show rats with tumors and say Journal gave in to pressure. 'Genetically modified corn is a killer', say researchers.
Oakland Says Cowboys Are Quitters
"Come on. We were used to playing on Sunday. You guys sneaked up on us!"
Poll: More say nation not doing well
Typical: "Oh no! We're not doing well at all. I don't think we'll be here for long. But when it's your time to go, it's your time to go."
Jimmy Carter's grandson hopes to capitalize on nostalgia for Carter years.
Oh Great! Twenty percent interest charges on credit cards, home mortgages, car financing. We sure do remember those golden days.
Man's jaw, nose shattered in another 'knockout' attack.
Apparently old retired boxers hired by people to knock out their enemies.
Shopping, screaming, running gun battles last all night.
SALVATION ARMY kettles stolen..#3
Salvation Army Chief says that next year his troops will be armed! "We're an Army, aren't we?"
SALVATION ARMY kettles stolen..#2
Kittle returned empty with note saying "Sorry, but I need that new video game bad."
SALVATION ARMY kettles stolen.
Older woman who was ringing the bell and asking for help was Knocked Out!
Shopper Kicked Out Of WALMART For Filming Fight.
This is disgusting behavior. But you can see it on Utube and it's wild! I watched it ten times!
Mike Tyson to Piers: Obamacare is bad
Mike: "That's not the way I said hit! I say 'Man, that sucka is baaaad!"
Driverless cars coming soon
There it is! Better run as it's not on the road anymore!
Argentina's new Falklands threat
China now says that it owns it and will keep flying jets overhead.
What happened to the WalMart Greeters?
"We had to stop. On Black Fridays, 111 had lost their lives."
Thanksgiving: Shopping Tops Turkey!
and, Crowd tops the trampled!
True Facts From Snoops #345
According to Snoops: The most things consumers talk about at WalMart are, "OOOhh, clean up on aisle three", "Hey, watch where you're going!" and "OH Boy! Did you see the size of that ass back there?"
Kate Middleton Exposes Herself Yet Again
After flaunting her tits and being daily tabloid fodder the Princess seems determined to emulate Miley Cyrus as she disregards her skirt and shows some thigh
True Facts From Snoops #175
According to Snoops: The rock group Grand Funk Railroad took their name from a former leader of the KKK, The Grand Funk, who was rode out on a rail in Jasper, Alabama.
True Facts From Snoops #115
According to Snoops: Only one person in a thousand will recall the short scene where Cat Ballou stated that she had a brother named Cat Dander or "Kit" Dander as he was usually called!
True Facts From Snoops #1115
According to Snoops: SpongeBob SquarePants was named after surgeon Bob Southerland, who has left over 20 sponges in patients he has operated on.
True Facts From Snoops #776
According to Snoops: Contrary to popular belief, a "Necktie Party" in the old west was when a salesman gave out free beer and buffalo jerky to those who attended a party to buy a necktie.
German policeman held for death of man he met on cannibal website
Police asked anything he said: "The same old thing they all say, "He tasted like chicken."
How to Sound Informed About the News at Thanksgiving Dinner
Just keep your mouth full and every once in awhile, point at the person talking, point at him/her and nod.
Amish Break One tradition
"It is now OK to have and drive a car", says leading elder. "However, it can only be a pre-1930's model."
What do men feel when they look at a beautiful car?
"Wow! Look at that. That should really draw the babes!"
New Store Problem on Black Friday
"Some bigger people are getting others down and stealing their clothes they have on!"
Americans kick off 2-day holiday shopping marathon
Only two days of the year that "Knocking Out" legal!
REPORT: Scientists discover 'world's oldest public toilet' #2
Also, poop contained parts of Neanderthal. "Back to the drawing board", say scientists.
REPORT: Scientists discover 'world's oldest public toilet'
...used by dinosaurs. Also remains of fury creatures they used to wipe themselves.
Retailers Pray For Dine and Dash.
But it doesn't happen. "Many ran through here shopping while gnawing on a turkey leg", says one manager.
Obamacare: Lack of Doctors May Worsen.
However, Joe Biden says that the rate of fake doctors may triple! "There's always a silver lying", he reminds Americans.
Simon Kowill Mothercare Designer
Simon Kowell is a closet Mothercare baby clothes designer and has secretly been so since 1988
Correspondence From China:
Man who fart in church sits in own pew - Confucius
Can Obamacare site handle the traffic?
Kind of late to ask that. It hasn't gotten off to a very good non-start.
Where are all those $1 coins?
Waiting for the one who pledged them to us to complete anything else he pledged.
Mike Tyson Threatens Santa
"Old Red, you betta bring cash or I gonna hurt you bad. Eat all your deer's ears!"
Russia launches new 'stealth' submarine.
United States launches hundreds of heavily armed stealth dolphins.
Report: Obama asks for 'breather'.
Oprah asks "How about a heavy breather?"
Netanyahu vows to banish 'darkness' of Iran nuclear program.
"We're sure not going out of here without taking out the whole Middle East next time."
Kanye on Obama's Failures: 'Black People Don't Have the Same Connections as Jewish People'.
"That sure didn't help me and Al Gore a few years ago", says Joe Lieberman.
Teen Charged with Terroristic Threat After Lighting Toilet Paper Roll on Fire.
"He sure scared the crap out of me", says Old Ms Pettytush, the English teacher. "He'll be chewing gum in class next!"
Minnesota Man Thrown in Abu Dhabi Prison Over YOUTUBE Parody.
We need to stick together. If any Spoof writer see any Abu Dhabi police near, please watch my back and I'll watch yours. Right now I have the Hispanic Griswolds across the street so I see everything.
REPORT: NSA Spied on G20 Summit.
During which, the United States were accused of spying and saying "Ridiculous!"
True Facts From Snoops #775
According to Snoops: Doctors are excited about a new small working defibrillator that will replace Viagra and all its competitors.
True Facts From Snoops #19
According to Snoops: Despite their looks, a full 20% of all electric cars are not all that funny looking.
True Facts From Snoops #190
According to Snoops: The Book of Mormon was named after it's writer, Joseph Smith.
True Facts From Snoops #119
According to Snoops: The thong worn by Mamie Eisenhower in the Smithsonian are fake. The real ones were stolen in 1981.
China Claims to Have 'Cleaned' Internet With Rumor Crackdown.
Sends message translated "We now more good at removing dirty underwear poop!" Ten year old youth arrested.
China Sends War Planes to Newly Declared Air Zone.
Japan, United States and Japan join pissing contest!
Christmas Tree Shields Family From Bullets In Drive-By Shooting.
Father tells police: "I don't know what that gang had against that poor tree."
NY TIMES, NPR: Knock-Out No big deal.
Several employees get knocked out in parking lots.
'Knockout' thugs target student walking down hallway at high school.
School janitor throws commode water from stopped-up toilet at attackers who run away. "Stinking little farts!"
Spider Man suffers puncture wound at Macy's parade.
Most suspect The Green Goblin. Either the Goblin or a new villain. Then it could have been a child with a pea shooter! You know how these things get 'blown' out of hand!'
Authorities recommend "Do Not Overshop!"
"Shop till you drop and you'll be trampled within minutes!"
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