Spoof news snippets from October 2013
There were 572 spoof news snippets published in October 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
WWII Vets Cross Closed Line
Underground members of al-Qaeda seen scurrying from country like rats from a sinking boat
Mexico Is Very Concerned About The Tijuana Bullfight Scandal
Mexico is trying to squash the Tijuana Bullfight Scandal which involves claims that some of the bullfights were fixed.
Shutdown stalemate continues; WH powwow unproductive
Black Smoke comes from the building means no agreement yet! Vatican objects.
Coverage gap leaves up to 7 million ineligible for Medicaid
"I'll medicate that young man's *** if I get a hold of him", says Atlanta widow, who is immediately arrested.
Ryan Seacrest Has A Request
Ryan Seacrest recently told Larry King on The Viagra View that he wants everyone to stop calling him Peaches. King grinned, touched his glasses, and replied, "It ain't gonna happen Peaches. Trust me."
True Facts From Snoops #201
Snoops: The Lone Ranger was alone because of bad body odor. Tonto had bad adenoids.
The Other Side of Adam Lambert
Adam Lambert has just expressed a desire to appear in the play Romeo and Juliet and he said he wants to play the part of Juliet.
Sparks and Mensa to sell a new cocktail
Sparks and Mensa have moved into the alcoholic beverage market with the 'Countdown Cocktail', which is one from the top shelf, and five from any other shelf...
Mr. Goombalini, Where Are The Fishing Rods?
Brooklyn Mob boss Salvatore Goombalini stated he's had just about enough of Senator Ted Cruz's playground bully tactics and he's sent him a message inviting him to go fishing in the East River.
Paul McCartney Has Set His 2014 Goal
Paul McCartney says that his musical goal for 2014 is to record an album with Honey Boo Boo.
Russell Brand Colorado Bound
Russell Brand has hinted that he may be moving to Colorado to take in some of that state's nice, pot permeated air.
Stacy Keibler Said No To Rosie O'Donnell
Stacy Keibler turned down a role that would have had her starring as Rosie O'Donnell's lesbian interest. Stacy said she has nothing against lesbians, but added that Rosie is just too gosh darn short.
Miley opens up about doing the splits with Liam Hemsworth
Ripped a huge hole in the gusset of her tights, blamed Liam for having had a hand in it
Mike Tyson and The World of Tattoos
Mike Tyson said he is tired of his facial tattoo and will get it lasered off. He plans to replace it with a tattoo of Rihanna's face.
The Tea Party People Are Not Happy
The Tea Party has asked that people please refrain from referring to it as the Tea Bagging Party due to the sexual connotations.
Ann Coulter Reveals A Shocking Revelation
GOP political maven Ann Coulter says she is concerned about her biological system noting that all of a sudden she finds Rosie O'Donnell to be one hot, sexy babe.
Brits plan to re-open Iranian embassy
About half a ton of gelignite under the front door should do it just like during the 1979 siege
Brooke Shields - One Fine Looking Cougar
Brooke Shields will be starring in a new version of the Blue Lagoon. The part played by Christopher Atkins in 1980, will now be played by Zac Efron. The film is titled, Blue Lagoon: The Happy Cougar.
Get Out The Soup Spoons Y'all
A Louisiana bayou fisherman caught a 300 pound Creole Turtle. He says he hopes to make turtle soup for 200 people.
World markets will be 'seriously pissed' if US govt fails to raise debt ceiling
Raise the debt ceiling? Hell, whaddabout raisin' the friggin White House roof?
WTF 'Putin shows Abbott iron curtain over birthday cake snub'?
This is no time to be ironing them drapes, Vlad, leave it to KGB money laundering division
Jackie Chan - No Hi Yo Silver!
Asian actor Jackie Chan revealed that he tried out for the role of The Lone Ranger but producers told him that he was a little bit too short.
Kenny Chesney Insists That He's A Straight Shooter
Kenny Chesney has said that he is getting tired of all of the gay rumors. He exclaimed, "Dammit, you ride a horse sidesaddle one time and they brand you a prairie fairy."
Millions of people in Colombia want Shakira to run for president. They have even suggested her political campaign slogan - "My hips don't lie."
The Man Committed A 'Fowl' Crime
A Connecticut man who was being pursued on foot by a policeman suddenly turned and threw a parrot at the officer. The bird bit the policeman who later said he's just lucky that it wasn't an ostrich.
The Skies Are Friendly - And The Scenery Is Sexy
A TSA Air Marshal has been detained and arrested for taking upskirt photos of female passengers with his cell phone. Word is that he was selling them to co-pilots for $2 each
All Trades Are Final?
A man in Boston traded his wife for an iPhone. About 45 minutes later the grouchy-as-hell wife was returned by the man who angrily asked for his iPhone back.
New Jersey Goes The Gay Route
New Jersey becomes the 14th state to allow gay marriages. Governor Chris Christie was heard hollering out, "Okay everybody listen up, designer pizzas for everyone!"
The Singer With The Redundant Name
Lady Ga Ga in a desperate attempt to revitalize her sagging career announces she will be changing her name to Lady Ga Ga Ga.
Plenty of Exposure
The National Broadcasting Company has decided to show a smiling photo of President Obama 24-hours a day during shutdown! Not that they're showing any favors.
Law leaves Georgia's biggest hospital $45M short.
Just an idea..but I'd try Vanderbilt just up I-65!
Veterans swarm 'closed' WWII memorial, knock politicians
Korean and Viet Nam Vets making plans. Slogan favorite thus far: "Let's Burn The Place Down While They're Gone!"
Snoop True Facts # 78
Snoops: Before George Washington admitted to cutting down the cherry tree, he blamed George Bush!
Susan Boyle Ready For A Career Change
Susan Boyle saying that she is bored with the entertainment business now wants to get her cosmetologist's license and become a hair stylist.
Wolf Blitzer The Nazi?
CNN's Wolf Blitzer has denied the rumor that he has been asked by Spike Lee to play the part of Adolf Hitler in the comedy play Sieg Heil Bruthas.
Nick Clegg's wife moaning on about 'absurd' labels holding back women
Poor Miriam, blames everything on an overdose of Prada corsets
Keira Knightley Keeping Her Chin Up
Actress Keira Knightley recently confessed that she lost out on two movie roles because she was flat-chested. She did perk up and add that she did get three movie roles because she was flat-chested.
American Airlines Says "No Way Jose" To Alec Baldwin
American Airlines has announced that it is banning Alec Baldwin from ever flying on their airline. They stated that the reason was due to his acting like a total, pompous ass, kind of like Omarosa.
President Obama - Maybe No Ho! Ho! Ho!
President Barack Obama has stated that due to the horrible state of the economy he is seriously thinking about cancelling Christmas.
CBSNEWS warns 'global warming' could raise temperatures 212 degrees!
Then again, it might drop to 75 below zero like we reported in the 1960s.
9 out of 10 IRS workers sent home
But 100,350,000 still on the job. "We need staff to count money coming in", says spokesman.
Will The Real Salma Hayek Please Stand Up
Actress Salma Hayek, who is from Mexico, recently said she totally got rid of her Spanish accent five years ago, but her personal agent asked her to start using it again because it made her sexy.
Anderson Cooper - Mr. AC-DC
Anderson Cooper says that the talk about him no longer being gay is false as he pointed out that he is still as queer as a three dollar bill.
Johnny Depp Admits That He's Theatrically Traumatized
Johnny Depp still not over the box office failure of his movie The Lone Ranger says he starts shaking whenever he smells popcorn.
Thefts of hair die
After the discovery of a blonde girl in the Roma camps, Greek police have reported an increase in the shoplifting of black hair dye.
Paula Abdul Is Not A Happy Camper
Paula Abdul is reportedly so devastated at not being picked by her ex-boyfriend Simon Cowell to be a judge on X-Factor that she hopes his baby mama has sextuplets.
Afghanistan's President Hamid Karzai blames NATO after bleeding it dry
Hamid? More like hammered, never heard to much daft tosh in me entire life
Ann Coulter Says The Lesbian In The Photo Is Not Her
Ann Coulter has said that the alleged photo of her and Rosie O'Donnell engaged in an intimate embrace was photoshopped. Coulter said that everyone knows that Rosie is a brunette and not a blonde.
Dick "Horrible Shot" Cheney Receives A Warning
The state of Utah has informed Dick Cheney that if he is caught in Utah in the possession of a rifle or any other kind of firearm he will be immediately arrested.
Kate Hudson Says It's Time
Kate Hudson said she may be going in to have a twofer done. She stated she wants to have her one ear that sticks out pinned back plus she figures it's time to have her little boobies enhanced.
Sandra Bullock Is Concerned About Her Eggs
Sandra Bullock has stated that she fears that all of that flying around she did for the movie Gravity may have caused her to become sterile.
Macaulay Culkin Is Back
The much troubled former child star Macaulay Culkin has agreed to star in the mystery drama The Lights Are Off and I'm Home Alone.
93 Percent of Native-Americans Hate The Name Redskins
A newspaper in Baltimore is refusing to use the name Washington Redskins on grounds that it is highly racist. The paper will instead refer to the NFL team as The Washington Bruthas
Shakira Hammers Charo
After Charo, who is from Spain, criticizes Colombian actress Sofia Vergara, fellow Colombian Shakira asks, "And who dee hell ease dees Charo beesh anyway?"
Kirstie Alley Is Not One Damn Bit Picky
Kirstie Alley recently stated that she has never met an ingredient that she didn't like.
Cameras will follow David Cameron's family
TV Cameras will follow all the members of David Cameron's family for a reality TV show, with the exception of Samantha Cameron, who will hold the camera, called the SamCamCam.
Cave Has Global Warming?
Huge cave discovered in China with own weather system! Al Gore heads that way immediately.
Sofia Vergara Would Definitely Disagree With Kate Hudson
Kate Hudson has remarked that what she lacks in the boob department she makes up with her fantastic smile.
Coming Soon: The Colorado Bunnies
Hugh Hefner has hinted that he is considering moving The Playboy Mansion to Colorado for the obvious reason.
Abu Anas al-Liby claims disillusion with jihadism
Blames dodgy halal kebab at the White Widow Cafe for sending him bonkers in the first place
Rio uses oil slick to pacify the favelas
Mayor of Brazilian World Cup city says whaddahell, it's cleared out drug gangs from the shanty towns
Supreme Court throws out Virginia sodomy law appeal
Judges say however appealing the rectal practice may be it's got bugger all to do with the Constitution
Israel up in arms about ritual circumcision ban
Says Council of Europe has no business sticking its nose into young lads' foreskins
Donald Trump Says He Is Not Going To Be A Baby Daddy
Donald Trump has stated in no uncertain terms that the rumor that Omarosa is pregnant with his child is a lie that was probably started from somewhere within the White House.
Octomom Wants Another Baby!
Nadya Suleman, alias Octomom, says that if Bruno Tonioli of Dancing With The Stars was not gay she would like to have his baby.
LeAnn Rimes Keeps On Saying What She's Been Saying
LeAnn Rimes is so fed up with the husband stealing talk that she has decided to write and record a song called, "Hey Y'all, Lissen Up Now, I Ain't No Damn Husband-Stealing Tramp."
Tom Brady Responds With A "No Thanks"
Jose Canseco, who admitted to taking steroids, recently said that if New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady took steroids he could easily throw the football 100 yards.
Tina Fey Cannot Stand Sarah "The Pest" Palin
Tina Fey has stated that sometimes in the middle of the night she wakes up drenched in sweat after having dreamt about impersonating Sarah "Snowflake" Palin.
John Boehner Going For The Gold
Movie producer Michael Moore has quipped that if whining was an Olympic sport Speaker of the House John Boehner would win the gold medal.
Conan O'Brien - Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Conan O'Brien said that Hollywood's Hair Stylist To The Stars, FuFi Fondue told him he is willing to cut his hideous-looking hair and style it so he doesn't look like one of the Little Rascals.
Arizona Shoots For A Solution
Arizona in order to cut down on school bus violence will assign a shotgun-toting security guard to each school bus.
Circle the Clichés, Boys
Congress is putting more boots on the ground to kick the can down the road.
OJ Simpson - Alias The Cookie Monster
Prison officials report that O.J. Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the cafeteria. The warden replied by saying, "Cookies? No problem. I'm just glad he didn't take any of the silverware."
Get Well Soon
Republicans have traded in their tea for some chicken soup. As soon as they feel better, they are going to kick Ted Cruz down the road.
Edward "Duh" Snowden
Edward Snowden swears that he did not take any secret U.S. documents with him to Russia. Of course not, they were already there. Snowden is believed to be related to Paris "The Airhead" Hilton
I'll Have A Book of Stamps and A Big Mac
In an effort to bring in more revenue, the U.S. Postal Service is planning on putting McDonald's Restaurants in all of the Post Offices.
U.S. Now 25th in Education
Congressman: We got to get some book learning into these kids or the country won't be worth diddly squat.
Miley Cyrus May Be Leaving The Country Soon
President Obama and Vice-President Biden are thinking about sending Miley Cyrus over to Afghanistan to entertain the troops.
No Government in America
Where the Americans go we are sure to follow!
"Isn't It Ironic?" by Alanis Morisette Ironically Disliked by Most Ironic Hipsters
Oh the irony. Now Isn't THAT ironic, don't ya think?
Steve Miller Admits to Still Being "A Joker", "A Smoker", but No Longer "Midnight Toker"
"Kinda getting too old for that nowadays," stated the old rocker, "don't get my loving on the run either. It's pretty much dinner, some t.v., a lowball, a little smoke, and goodnight by ten."
Fred Talbot escapes from prison
Fred Talbot, the disgraced former weather man from This Morning, is being hunted by the police. "We think he's skipped the country," said one police officer.
UKIP is a fascist party says Lord Heseltine
Takes one to know one, UKIP's Nigel Farage replies, as battled for Nazi hearts and minds goes up a gear
Is Woody Allen's son Ronan possibly Frank Sinatra's?
DNA tests show Mia Farrow blue-eyed boy was maybe conceived by a THIRD, unnamed man
US government shutdown is really hurting day-to-day stuff
Expect the Capitol Hill trash dumpsters to be overflowing into the streets of DC before anyone decides to back down
Head of Iranian cyber warfare shot dead in suspected drive-by-shooting
Witnesses say his PC hard drive pulled out a .45 and let him have it
FBI shuts down notorious Silk Broad drug website
That's the last time Federal employees suffer the indignity of purchasing a fake online wrap
Notre Dame QB admits cheating on test
"I was granted an indulgence", he tells reporters.
Obamacare Fines to be Seized From Bank Accounts?
Public gets ready to make run on banks.
From the nation's capital…
They had to close the National Zoo. It couldn't compete with the Congressional Circus.
Gordon Ramsay May Be Syria Bound
Chef Gordon Ramsay has said that he wants to produce a version of Hell's Kitchen in Damascus, Syria with the losers being incarcerated in prison for two months.
The New And Improved Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson stated that he is thrilled at the fact that he has finally learned to control his temper and proudly boasts that he has not bitten anyone in 6 months.
Kanye West Best Stay Away From Toby Keith
Country artist Toby Keith cannot stand rap artist Kanye West. In fact Toby recently said that if he ever sees West The Pest in person he will hit him so hard he'll knock most of the black off.
Clint Eastwood Ain't No Dirty Harry
Clint Eastwood, the 83-year-old chair talker, was asked if he plans to marry again as soon as his divorce is final. He replied, "I'm married?"
Brett Favre Says That He Is Now The New Brett Favre
Brett Favre says that he thinks he may be over his flirting days as he has not flirted with a much younger woman in 48 hours.
New Allergy Recorded
Brian Bramhope, holder of the world's longest sneezing fit record, turns out not to have had a permanent cold, as previously thought, but instead an allergy to tissues. "Who knew?" he said.
David Letterman Is Learning How To Use Chopsticks
David Letterman has said that he has received an invitation from Kim Jong Un and his BFF Dennis Rodman to visit North Korea.
Hey Mrs. Gosselin, Will The Third Time Be Any Different?
Kate Gosselin says she has been taking private dance lessons and would like to get another chance to show her stuff on Dancing With The Stars.
Headline Reads "Man who set self on fire was mentally ill"
No. Really? Most people assumed it was cold outside.
Larry King Might Not Need The Little Blue Pill
Larry King says that he is so excited about the sucess of his and Regis Philbin's talk show, The Viagra View, that he sometimes gets home and forgets to take his Viagra pill.
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