Spoof news snippets from 2013
There were 8,769 spoof news snippets published in 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Student likes own status on Facebook
RUSH, NY--Sperry High School student Kathleen Conner brought out the rare self-like on a Facebook status she thought was especially witty.
Prince Harry to be new face of TV Burp.
Producers loved his friendly style when in Africa for Comic Relief and are keen on the continuity of the name 'Harry'.
Advice From Lindsay Lohan
"Never try to put up a painting in your house unless you have a hammer...and some more stuff like a hammer. Ask your dad."
Earth's largest volcano found
"I don't see how we could have missed it for so long", says scientist.
Rooneys going nowhere says Ferguson
"He's locked in by basement" said the Scot
Free World Tour
Old couples placed on floating iceberg getting a free tour of the world as huge chunk still floating. "No more hazardous than Cruise Line", one yells at reporter.
Justin Bieber to receive counselling
Following a traumatic week in London where he turned up 2 hours late for a gig, was rushed to hospital & threatened a paparazzi, management are to have JB counselled by Britney Spears & Lindsay Lohan
First Amish Player Signs With Houston
Nearly 60% shooting average from the floor, 90% from foul line but refuses to use a backboard that is from the devil!
First day of Test match between New Zealand and England washout
Neer knew there were so many Man United fans in Dunedin.
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer Achieves Orgasm
Ultra-Conservative Arizona Governor Jan Brewer says she achieved an orgasm last night as she was listening to Rush Limbaugh. "I really enjoyed it", Brewer stated.
Charles Saatchi never laid a finger on me, says ex-wife
No statement yet from another ex, Rihanna.
Threatening World Supply of Envelopes?
China says Manila stirring up trouble on disputed shoal.
Congress Admits It Knows Nothing
In a rare admission, Congressional leaders held a special session to address their own incompetence on every subject and admitted they knew very little, if anything, about anything.
SAN DIEGO, CA--Five years after hearing it for the first time, Danny Orsi still has no idea that the
Black Sabbath song "Iron Man" wasn't written for the film series.
Stock Market Crashes
The NASDAQ stock market dropped nearly 8000 points in heavy trading yesterday but the only ones affected were the very wealthy as no one else had any money to begin with, according to sources.
WWII Vets Cross Closed Line
Underground members of al-Qaeda seen scurrying from country like rats from a sinking boat
Home Sweet Home
In a recent survey in Bradford, over 91% of illegal immigrants came over here so that they could continue seeing their own doctor.
The Spotless Thief
A student from Milton Keynes was spotted by CCTV stealing 4 bars of soap but security guards could not catch him and he made a clean getaway. A police spokesman said it "we expect it's white-collar crime!"
Facebook 'Like' Patent broken by Prior Art
Facebook's patented Like button has had the patent broken when Prior Art was found. "Apparently, Tommy Cooper did it first," said Stephen Hawkins. "He said he 'Like that' and 'Not like that'."
Scientists urge people to drink
New research shows that if people don't get at least one drink every three days, they get 'dehydration'. "We're thinking people might need to eat too," said a scientist working on this.
Lord Sugar wrote me off, claims Apprentice winner
I always thought Stella English was a beer label.
Cardnial Baloney Rejects New Biblical Scripture
Roman Catholic scholars say that a Christian document found in Nazereth is authentic & was written by a woman, NY's Cardinal Baloney said, "Not possible! They tied His sandals and shine my shoes!"
Carlos Tevez arrested!
Accused of impersonating a footballer. And a supermodel.
Ths yrs conf on Abbrs & TxtSpk will B held at G-Mex M/c. Attnd's shd arv 30mins b4 drs open 2 Nsure a gd seat.
Kim Jung Um Calls In Fukushima Dalichi Company
N. Korea has started producing fuel rods for its new nuclear reactor. Dear Leader Um said all would go well because Tepco of the Fukushima Dalichi nuclear power plant in Japan is giving advice.
Boat Race takes a frozen turn
This year's boat race between Cambridge and Oxford will go down in history as the first to be done on ice skates.
Cave Writings Interpreted In France
Best we can tell, it reads "I'd sure love to drag her into my cave by the hair of the head. Ah-Cha-Cha-Cha!"
The Alaskan Weatherman Was Kicked Out Into The Cold
A weatherman in Juneau, Alaska, has been fired for referring to snow during a live weathercast as that gosh darn, friggin, damn white stuff.
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro wasn't sure why reporters were calling the SEC "the undisputed best", but she'll take compliments wherever they come from.
Samsung unveils new smartwatch that makes calls
By this Christmas you'll be able to change into Dick Tracy!!
Illegal Immigrant Lawyer to Argue Obama's Case For Bombing?
Trump: I want to see his birth certificate before we hear him.
Kentucky Kicked out of United States Electoral College
Several caught in sting for betting on horses! Making illegal moonshine. "Which one's legal?", asked one former rep.
Mick Jagger Can Still Rock 'n Roll Like The Youngsters
Rolling Stones lead singer Mick Jagger who is 68, proudly boasted that he has groupies between the ages of 21 and 71.
"Privacy," What's That?
Teens are texting, sexting, selfing, posting intimate details, give out e-mails & don't care if corporations, advertisers, the NSA has access to personal info. Now, only 5% can define "privacy."
Duckie Robertson To Be Back On A&E
"Ohhhhh goodie! Maybe now we'll get to hear the n-word hear all of the details about bestiality, and lice co-habitation in long beards,"said Sara Palin.
The Times wins newspaper of the year
The actual newspaper of the year, not jut sub-category for phone or email hacking by a Murdoch newspaper.
McDonalds Tells Employees To Avoid Fast Foods
Without irony, a bulletin to workers says that "fast foods are typically high in calories, fat, saturated fat, sugar, and salt and may put people at risk for becoming overweight,"
The iTwins Are Cute As Can Be
A young married couple in Phoenix is being criticized for naming their twins iPad and iPod.
Kid in High School Kicks 99-Yard field goal!
"It looked like a screwball", states delighted coach. "Never saw a football get caught up into a big dust devil before. It actually went through the uprights twice!"
The 124 MPH Dancing Mama - Shakira
Colombian singer-belly dancer Shakira has just given birth to a baby boy who was named Milan Piqué Mebarak. The proud mother says she will nickname him either "Shakey" or "Hippie."
Matt Smith is to cease being the Doctor
When Matt Smith retires from the BBC's Doctor Who, his replacement will be Sanjeev Bhaskar, from the Kumars at 42. "Well," said Sanjeev, "It's to reflect proportion of Asian doctors."
KIA's Rhythmic Recall
KIA is recalling 400,000 KIA Magna Carta's that were built in 2011. It seems that if the car should hit speeds of 50 miles per hour the windshield wipers could completely fly off the windshield.
Mexico Is Very Concerned About The Tijuana Bullfight Scandal
Mexico is trying to squash the Tijuana Bullfight Scandal which involves claims that some of the bullfights were fixed.
86 Year Old Patient Leaves Hospital Alive!
Explained the patient's doctor, palliative specialist Dr. De'Ath, 'Unfortunately Her Majesty began to show signs of improvement before my team had time to commence her to The Liverpool Care Pathway.'
Apple's New Name Change
Apple has just announced that in an effort to have a more modern sounding name, effective August 1, 2013, they will be changing their corporate name from Apple to Avocado.
Fergie to discuss Rooney situation at press conference
The Silver Screen President
The details are still somewhat sketchy but it looks like President Obama could be appearing in George Clooney's next action-packed motion picture Strike Force Eagle Bravo 1.
Monster tsunami could devastate California: study
Also, monster earthquake, monster wildfire, monster!
Air Force Removes Drunken General
In Moscow, Maj. Gen Mchael Carey stumbled through Red Square slurring his speech, insulting everyone. He visited bars with "Cigar Lady" and picked fights. His job was to control US' nuclear arsenal.
Now It's Firestorms
The Weather Channel has not only named Hurricanes and Winter Storms but are now naming Firestorms. Word is, if there's not a Hurricane soon, they're dead meat.
What's Next, For Blackmailing Purposes Only?
WIRE: FACEBOOK expanding use of personal information only for advertising.
The Tallest Pelicans In America
The NBA New Orleans Hornets will change their name effective with the 2013-2014 basketball season. Their new team name will be the Pelicans. The name that came in second was The Blackened Fish.
House GOP: Climate Change Not A Threat
A House GOP caucus determined yesterday that climate change is not a threat to the planet. They also voted that the risk of cigarets, trans-fats, asbestos, & radioactivity to health was overblown.
"Michelle Hon, Can You Move A Little To The Left Please"
President Obama recently confessed that he enjoys his teleprompters so much that he has even had one installed in his bedroom.
Britain to be assigned AA rating
I know we drink a lot in this country, but to assign us an AA rating is a bit harsh.
The Unbelievable Mississippi Catfish
A game warden in Mississippi has found a catfish that can swim at speeds of up to 92 miles per hour, walk on land, fly, and count from 1 to 3.
U.S. Softens Deadline For Afghan Deal
Sec. Kerry said he wanted to talk a security deal with the Afghan Pres., "when he came down a little." Since Karzi has held the office, opium production has increased 2,000 per cent.
Sheik Shortens Long Name To "Chuck"
Dubai ruler Sheik Mohammed Bin Rashid al-Maktoumen said that during sex it is better for women to exclaim "Oh Chuck!" than to use his full name. "There are fewer interruptions," he said.
Lib Dems confident of victory in Rome by-election
Hell, forget the groping claims and speeding points - their on a roll!
Twinkies Price, Stocks Down
Panel accuse Twinkies makers of manipulating stock as Banana Flips may be dropped off market next.
Where's Protesters Against War, Like Cindy Sheehan?
"Cindy Sheehan is yesterdays news", says Sarah Palin
GOP Serves Cake At Marie Antoinette Mission
Thanks to the House GOP, no extension of jobless benefits for Christmas and increased homelessness, but Rep. Boehner served cake at the Marie Antoinette Mission in his Ohio home town of Scroogeburg.
Gary Busey Knows His Solar System
Gary Busey says that the first time he met Joan Rivers he swears he thought she was a friggin space alien.
Lindsay Lohan Is Very Happy With Herself
Lindsay Lohan has said that the rumor that she is going in to have a frecklectomy is totally baseless.
Nazi Stuff Is A "No No"
The city of Miami Beach has just banned all Nazi memorabilia. One very unhappy Nazi memorabilia shop owner says he will be moving to Arizona.
Shutdown stalemate continues; WH powwow unproductive
Black Smoke comes from the building means no agreement yet! Vatican objects.
Coverage gap leaves up to 7 million ineligible for Medicaid
"I'll medicate that young man's *** if I get a hold of him", says Atlanta widow, who is immediately arrested.
McDonalds Tells How To Tip Au Pairs
McDonald's today gave workers advice on tipping au pairs, personal fitness trainers, and pool cleaners. McDonald's employees live far below the poverty line and rely on subsidies like food stamps.
Paris Hilton Cannot Stand Being On The Backburner
Paris Hilton confided to her hair stylist FuFi Fondue that once Lindsay Lohan goes to prison, she'll get herself back in the Hollywood spotlight.
Voters heckle McCain over Syria war vote
Why not heckle the President who will make the final decision? You had no trouble protesting Bush! Your hypocrisy is obvious!
GA Rep Says 5-Year-Olds Must Work For Lunch
He says force poor kids to sweep floors for school-provided lunch starting at 5. Too, they must say, "Please sir, may I have some more," if they want more gruel.
Kerry Deals With Crazy Karzai
Sec.Kerry wants Afghan Pres Karzai to sign a pact so US can stay there forever. But the nutty Karzi may or may not sign. I have to be his therapist the Sec. said, holding up a copy of a Freud book.
China Lands On The Moon
The landing was successful but since the pod was on top of a rocket launched in a Chinese urban area, it caused considerable smog on the moon.
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid!
Following Tuesday's announcement by the Queen of her wish to attend Lady Thatcher's funeral on 17 April it has been decided no mention will be made during the service of her death at the age of 87!
Pope Francis Says Women Equal To Men
"It's just that they can't be priests, bishops, cardinals or popes. But they can get close to male clergy when they shine their shoes."
Physicists are hopeful the Standard Model will be overturned soon. "Don't get me wrong," said Professor Brian Cox, "we like the model. If it's wrong though, we can apply for more research grants."
Toby Keith Sells Out To Terrorists
At right-winger Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar & Grill" in VA, is a big sign NO GUNS ALLOWED. In VA you can carry a gun into a bar, get drunk, keep it. Now we can't shoot the terrorists said a patron.
From The Lips of Governor Jan "The Traditionalist" Brewer
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer has said that if women want to marry other women then it is only right that one of them be required to wear the pants.
Mayor Bloomberg Strikes A Positive Blow For The Hookers
New York Mayor Bloomberg says that in order to avoid the obvious negative connotations he is issuing a directive prohibiting the use of the word street walker and replacing it with pavement princess.
Same Sex Marriages: Six of One, Half Dozen of The Other
Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona says she is against same-sex marriages, especially if it is between two men or two women.
Ryan Seacrest Has A Request
Ryan Seacrest recently told Larry King on The Viagra View that he wants everyone to stop calling him Peaches. King grinned, touched his glasses, and replied, "It ain't gonna happen Peaches. Trust me."
Historic: NAACP-KKK Meeting
The Hoods Meet the Hoodies! Most hope they don't unite!
Fox News Covers The Birth Of Jesus
Fox News commentators confirmed that Jesus, who was born today, was definitely white.
Santa Claus Almost Shot Down
While Santa was making a trial run over the North Pole today NORAD, which tracks him each year mistook his sleigh for a missile. The F-35 fighter with its fatal design flaws fired but missed Santa.
NBC Announces New Series Based On Cannibalism
An NBC executive stated today that a new miniseries called "Donner Pass Delights" will be aired next January. "Cannibalism is the next step beyond zombie shows. Yummy, yummy says my tummy," he said.
Kim Jong Un Is Mad At Le France
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is angry at France and vows to launch a missile towards the Eiffel Tower.
Jessica Simpson Has Gotten Back Into Her Daisy Duke Short Shorts
Jessica Simpson says she has been approached about starring in a Dukes of Hazzard movie titled, The Dukes of Hazzard: Daisy Duke Gets Gang Tickled.
True Facts From Snoops #201
Snoops: The Lone Ranger was alone because of bad body odor. Tonto had bad adenoids.
The Other Side of Adam Lambert
Adam Lambert has just expressed a desire to appear in the play Romeo and Juliet and he said he wants to play the part of Juliet.
The Reason Illegal Aliens Are Staying Away
The U.S. Border Patrol stated the influx of illegal aliens is down by 17 percent. They say it's because illegal aliens do not want to come to a country that listens in on your phone conversations.
Where Is Little Bunny Foo Foo?
Former GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan says that contrary to popular belief he has not gone into The Witness Protection Program. He stated that he is just tired of having to keep his facts straight.
Plastic princess designed by the Tories?
Come off your high horse Dave, everybody knows you've shagged her.
Minnesota Teacher Fired For Drawing Pornographic Stick People
Lola Belle Prinski, a St. Paul, Minnesota teacher stated she was just trying to visually demonstrate to her second graders the art of safe sex.
Obama Says Pope Is His Friend & Ally, No Says Pope
The Pres quotes and praises Francis, says he's friend and ally. The Pope who focuses on peace and non-violence said that "Obama's drones are death machines. With friends like him who needs enemies?"
Shrink Wants Obama & Bush Committed
Shrink Bill Bain of Brooke Med. Center wants the Pres committed. "He says that Iraq is on track, when it's falling apart! It's like W's 'Mission Accomplished.' statement. They both should be here."
Another Big Foot Sighting?
Wyoming officials say the giant size 18 footprints campers came across a few days ago were not made by Big Foot but by Happy, the Shrine Circus fat lady who recently picnicked in the Wyoming woods.
Earthquakes Have Now Joined Hurricane Status
The U.S. Meteorological Society has announced that effective immediately earthquakes like hurricanes will now have names. The first six names are Alonso, Betty, Cordelia, DeKeysha, Elmer, and Fifi.
News Regarding The War Between The States
President Obama proudly announced today that the United States has made the final payment on the loan it took out in 1861 to help pay for the American Civil War.
Kendra Wilkinson Quits "Splash"
The reality TV show star said that the reason why she refused to dive was because of the "Don't Go Swimming, If You've Eaten Within The Hour" rule.
The Marital Trade-Off
A Chicago woman tells her husband to either stop smoking or else she's leaving him. The husband replies "Bye, and don't forget to take your stash of heroin."
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