Andrea Mitchell: The Unauthorized Biography

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Monday, 12 August 2013


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MSNBC's version of Fox News' typical blonde bombshell reporters, Andrea Mitchell pretends to be the network's chief foreign affairs correspondent, reporting upon the sexual infidelities of foreign heads of state. She also hosts Andrea Mitchell Reports, on which she repeats gossip concerning the adulterous pursuits of U. S. politicians, unless they are members of the Democratic Party.

To show that she "means business" as a journalist, she covered the entire 2008 presidential campaign, stumping for candidate Barack Obama from the kickoff to the last debate and, some say, beyond. Popular because of her blonde, Fox News-style good looks, Mitchell, or "Andrea," as she prefers to be called, has also appeared, half-dressed, with Brian Williams on NBC Nightly Nudes with Brian Williams, and entirely in the altogether as a guest anchor on Canada's Naked News. She was a guest of the president during Obama's trip to Iraq, where she served as Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's personal footstool. She later covered Clinton during her 2000 senatorial race, acting as the candidate's personal cheerleader.

In September 2005, Mitchell ghost-wrote Talking Back, a personal memoir of her experience as the first woman to sleep with five presidents, a feat for which she won, the same year, the prestigious Orifice Office Award for Excellence in Oral Communications.

An accomplished fingerprinting artist, she gave Fidel Castro an original work showing her astride Secretary Clinton in the White House's Blue Room. The caption read, "Eat your heart out, Bill!" Castro is said to have appreciated the "thoughtful and tasteful expression" of Mitchell's "esteem." He would not say whether Mitchell painted either Clinton or herself "au naturale," but he admitted that he gave her a "fine Havana cigar" for former president Bill Clinton, "with my compliments to Ms. Lewinsky." Reportedly, Mitchell plans to ghost-write a sequel to Talking Back, in which she will have her ghost describe these events "in detail."

She made a guest appearance on Meet the Press to announce presidential candidate George H. W. Bush's "sophomoric choice" of Dan Quayle as his running mate. "He'd have done better," she said, "had he selected his own son, the recovering alcoholic 'W.'" In an attempt to throw the election to Bush's rival, Michael Dukakis, she served as a panelist during the candidates' final debate, but Bush won, despite her best efforts.

Mitchell is married to former Federal Reserves chairman Alan Greenspan but denies that she is now or ever has been a golddigger.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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