President Vows To "Put The Lead Back In Paint"
In what Republican lawmakers touted as certain boost for the economy, the president revealed his plan today, to "Put The Lead Back In Paint." A spokesperson for the Society of Mothers For The Manufacture of Lead responded that this is exactly what...
Read full storyPresident Repeals Child Labor Laws
In a move that left White House reporters stunned, the president held an impromptu press conference this afternoon, where he pulled a piece of toilet paper off the bottom of his shoe, and on it, wrote up and signed an executive order repealing all ch...
Read full storyUncle insists he was in Texas during events of chainsaw massacre
At a family event last month an Uncle kept insisting he was in Texas during the grisly murders of the fictional film “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” “We tried explaining to him that it was a movie based around the killings by Ed Gein in Wisconsin bu...
Read full storyBoy you teased in high school becomes omnipotent leader of his own planet
Recent reports from the international space station suggest that the boy you used to pick on in high school has somehow developed unfathomable powers and taken control of a previously unknown heavenly body in the area of Betelgeuse. “We were send...
Read full storyDanny Dyer Appointed as Brexit Secretary
"Prime Minister" Theresa May surprised both Brexiteer and Remainer members of her party today when she appointed EastEnders on-screen hard man Danny Dyer as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union following the resignation of the previous s...
Read full storyBBC Sports Commentator Sets Precedent by Using the Word "Unprecedented"
Football fans were stunned and amazed while watching coverage of England vs. Colombia when commentator Simon Brotherton deliberately used the word "unprecedented". The BBC switchboard and Twitter account were overwhelmed by the response, including d...
Read full storyFat Boy, 6, Sits On Computer Chair, And Smashes It Beyond Recognition
There was hysterical laughter aplenty at one school in Battambang this morning, when a student sat down rather too heavily on a computer chair, whereupon it disintegrated underneath him. The boy, aged 6, and weighing around 150lbs, was waiting to...
Read full storyTrump Tries to Wrangle Invitation to Princess Eugenie's Wedding
President Donald Trump of the U.S. has announced that he would like to visit London on October 12, which just happens to be the planned date for Princess Eugenie of York's wedding. Included in the unsolicited invitation for the Trumps to visit was...
Read full storyScamatology Reps Visit North Korea to Study Their Labor Camps
Our correspondent has learned that the Church of Scamatology has sent representatives to North Korea to study their labor camp system. Scamatology has been known to throw wayward "Clams," as they like to be called, into either the RPF, which is where...
Read full storyUnited Nations Report Links Climate Change to Global Warming
Causing consternation to climate-change deniers like former Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt, a groundbreaking new United Nations report definitively links climate change to global warming. Mincing no words, current presi...
Read full storyMan Followed Through
There was an embarrassing situation to deal with for one man this morning, after a fart he attempted to release from between his buttocks, turned into something more serious, and he followed through. The incident happened in a bank in Battambang w...
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