"Prime Minister" Theresa May surprised both Brexiteer and Remainer members of her party today when she appointed EastEnders on-screen hard man Danny Dyer as Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union following the resignation of the previous secretary David "Dumbo" Davis. On hearing of the appointment, senior civil servants in the Department for Exiting the EU immediately handed in their resignations.
Mrs. May explained to the House of Commons the thinking behind her shock appointment.
"Mr. Speaker I was impressed last week by Mr. Dyer's astute analysis of our current problem, particularly when he said on live TV 'so what’s happened to that twat David Cameron who called it on?' That says it all. Here we are all left to clear up the mess of his making and it requires a particular expertise which is sadly lacking in the honourable members at my disposal.
"Mr. Dyer has an acute understanding of our situation, I quote from his pronouncements on the situation. 'No one’s got a clue what Brexit is. You watch Question Time, it’s a comedy.'
"He has also admitted 'I haven’t got a clue. No one knows what it is; it’s like this mad riddle that no one knows what it is, right?' which is in tune nicely with the opinions of members of this house and makes him a suitable replacement for the former minister David Davis who never understood his brief either."
To cheers from Conservative and opposition MPs alike Mrs. May commended the appointment to the house, saying "I am sure that Mr. Dyer will be a valuable member of our negotiating team."