Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 10 July 2018

image for BBC Sports Commentator Sets Precedent by Using the Word "Unprecedented"
Brotherton was caught celebrating by a mobile phone user

Football fans were stunned and amazed while watching coverage of England vs. Colombia when commentator Simon Brotherton deliberately used the word "unprecedented". The BBC switchboard and Twitter account were overwhelmed by the response, including death threats and requests for an explanation, forcing the BBC to issue an official apology.

A shame faced Simon Brotherton granted an exclusive interview to The Spoof to explain his unprecedented action.

"I cannot tell you all how sorry I am. I shouldn't have done it I know but I couldn't resist it. Do you know how limited the vocabulary is for a football commentator? Referee, striker, two-footed tackle, hit the post, foul, etc. There aren't that many multisyllabic words I can use. Oops! There I go again. I am not by nature sesquipedalian, but I am just bored by the lack of opportunity to express myself.

"So we were out on the piss a couple of nights ago, Gabby Logan, Clare Balding, Jacqui Oatley and me knocking back vodka shots when I made a bet with Gabby, but it's not her fault obviously.

"We were all discussing the benefits and pitfalls of our jobs. Gabby said how much she likes the smell of liniment and sweat on footballer's bodies, Jacqui likes hearing the giggles from the showers in the women's changing room and Clare likes an excited stallion with its 24 inch member and wonders what it would be like to....you know.

"When it came to me, I said I always wanted to use a five syllable word during a commentary and they were all shocked. It was Gabby who dared me. So we agreed, a packet of Lineker's soggy crisps if I sneaked in the word 'unprecedented' and that if I didn't Gabby said I had to get out my knob for the ladies next time we do a pub crawl. I think she secretly wanted me to lose the bet.

"It was only the following morning when I woke up with a sore head and Clare on top of me, going nineteen to the dozen, that I realised what I had done. Get out the old todger in front of the ladies or say 'unprecedented' live on TV? It was a no brainer. Flash it for the girls obviously. No, I'm only joking, honest.

"So when Clare had finished with me, I began to think under what circumstances I could slip it in. The word that is. Clare said that I should not bother and just do it for the girls, but you know I am a little bit shy although Clare insists I am well endowed and that Gabby and Jacqui would be impressed. She even called me her stallion and said she wants to put me out to stud.

"So all through the match I was waiting nervously, waiting and waiting for an opportune moment. I began to think maybe I should let Gabby, Clare and Jacqui have a gander at my pyjama python as it would be so much easier. Then it went to penalties and a plan formed in my mind. As each penalty was taken I could feel my stomach knotting up, in much the same way as it did when Clare told me to unhook her bra and I felt the weight of her breasts as I did so.

"Then it was there, England had won and I said it 'unprecedented scenes as England celebrate'...It was done. Mind you, I'm thinking now about giving each of the girls a private show of the old trouser snake anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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