Recent reports from the international space station suggest that the boy you used to pick on in high school has somehow developed unfathomable powers and taken control of a previously unknown heavenly body in the area of Betelgeuse.
“We were sending out probes as always when we received a transmission” says Derek Lowe, astronaut “At first we didn’t think it was possible but then the audio kicked in”
The first sounds to come through are now believed to be the suffering of the unbelievers who dare defy him.
“I was quite shaken” Mr. Lowe told us “but then I saw the image of the leader and felt a disquieting calm”
It is unknown how he recieved these wonderful yet terrifying powers. The current hypothesis from NASA is that he may have passed through some sort of radioactive pocket or perhaps helped remove a thorn from a gypsy’s hand.
“The current administration seems to want to lean heavily into the gypsy theory” one source told us.
The last transmission received was the being using its unfathomable powers to move his planet in earths direction as he screamed “Who needs deodorant now!?!” Presumably aimed at you
