Causing consternation to climate-change deniers like former Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt, a groundbreaking new United Nations report definitively links climate change to global warming.
Mincing no words, current president of the United Nations General Assembly Miroslav Lajčák declared, “It can no longer be reasonably disputed that the ongoing warming of our planet is directly related to human-caused climate change. To further debate this connection only serves to waste precious time – time that we need to mitigate the devastating impact of this global rise in temperatures.”
United States President Donald Trump, however, was unfazed - and unconvinced - by the UN report. According to Trump, further research is necessary in order to determine whether global warming is in fact the cause of climate change, or whether the converse could possibly be true.
“Baldly stated, I believe we've got it backwards,” said Trump. “Insofar as global warming does exist, I believe that it is actually the result of climate change. And until we get our facts straight, it would be foolhardy to rush into taking potentially irreversible environmental actions."
"After all, climate change is only to be expected," noted Trump, citing the pre-Socratic Greek philosopher Heraclitus, known for his proposition that "the only constant is change.”
And, in a biting reference to former U.S. president Barack Obama, Trump went on to point out, "The very people who said they wanted hope and change have gotten exactly what they wished for – change on a global scale. And all they're doing now is complaining about it!” With a rueful chuckle he added, “Democrats – they're never satisfied.”
"They gripe about icebergs melting in Greenland, and then they flash signs saying, 'Melt ICE,'" railed the obviously-frustrated Trump. "Make up your minds, folks!"