Howard Beach, Queens - Tired of seeing their criminal gains decline due to a shrinking economy and legislative indifference, the leading organized crime families in America have joined forces to take over the US government.
"Youse won't be hearing about government gridlock any more," said Johnny "Sweet Toes" Baducci, the new Speaker of the House.
"That's why they call us organized crime," Baducci explained. "We keep things in order so everything goes okay, and everybody gets what's coming to them. The people we replaced weren't doing that. I guess you can call them disorganized crime."
But Baducci was tight-lipped regarding the whereabouts of the representatives, senators and cabinet officials who were relieved of their duties. "Let's just say they're having a little vacation. A fishing vacation. Yeah that's it. They're vacationing with the fishes."
The new Senate Majority Leader, Tony "Two-Tone" La Basca, indicated that the new Congress has already passed balanced budgets for the next five years and has solved the related problems of the deficit and Social Security insolvency.
"Yeah, what you just said," La Basca noted. "Let me put it this way: the people the government borrowed from became very forgiving after some sensitive discussions with our loan experts. So that money is no longer owed."
In a special statement issued by the Senate Consigliere, the new lawmakers thanked the American public for supporting organized crime for more than a century.
"When youse made things like gambling, drugs and prostitution illegal, you opened up a world of opportunity for our families," the statement said. "We wouldn't be making a penny if it wasn't for your screwball attempts at controlling things you know nothing about."
"Now we want to repay the favor by taking on more responsibilities," the Mob declaration continued, noting that activities such as kissing and substances such as dairy products will be declared illegal in the coming weeks.
"I think you'll find Congress to be lactose intolerant at the present moment in time, if you catch my drift," La Basca said. "But I know where you can score a liter of 2% for 20 bucks and a kiss."
