Cern Boffins Baffled By Faster-Than-Light Particles

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Friday, 23 September 2011

image for Cern Boffins Baffled By Faster-Than-Light Particles
A bit of Cern's kit.

Cern scientists have been baffled by experiments which seem to turn a century of physics on its head.

They claim to have witnessed neutrinos travelling at speeds faster than the speed of light. If they are shown to be correct, it could throw doubts on Einstein's special theory of relativity, which states that the speed of light is the universe's ultimate speed limit.

It would also throw up the possibility of the science fiction dream of time travel.

"Wow! There goes one - did you see that?" said Prof TK Max announcing the findings. "No? OK, you've got to be really sharp and don't blink. There! See that?"

However, an early review of the results published by the Cern boffins by EIF News & Features science editor, Isaac C Clarke, has found a serious problem.

The neutrinos were fired from Cern through the ground to the Gran Sasso laboratory, which the boffins reckon is 732 km away. They arrived a tiny fraction of second early, sparking the excitement.

"There's your problem," said Clarke. "I got the Times Atlas down and measured the distance for myself - and it's only 731 km. Bob's your uncle!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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