Downtown Abbey: Episode 1: The Creepy Crawleys

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Friday, 23 September 2011


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image for Downtown Abbey: Episode 1: The Creepy Crawleys
Lady Sybil arrives home after a night out

"Oy! Carson! Where's me fry up you lazy bastard!" Called the Earl of Grantham, from his bedroom. "Your going to the dogs!and I dont mean Battersea you mug!".

Lady Grantham, put down her newspaper and looked at her husband. "Do you have to spek in such a minner to der stiff? Wee dunt you jiz rung der bill?"

Lord Grantham giggled, "Put your teeth in Maude, you sound like a fukin Russian on crack cocaine".

"Really!" Cried Lady Grantham. Placing the teeth in her mouth, she once again turned to her husband. "Shut yu bleeding face! It aint my fault the dentist ballsed up the fittin, and I got to wear these bleedin fings!".

There was a light tap on the bedroom door, seconds later, Carson, the long suffering Butler, entered the room.
"Good morning My Lord, Good Morning my Lady, sorry about the delay, Mrs Hughes had a problem with the cooker".

"No matter Carson, bring the tray over here and fuck off" replied Lady Grantham.

"What have I told you about that Scottish accent Carson? We ain't Upstairs fuckin Dowstairs, that was back in the seventies, so knock it on the fuckin head!" Shouted Lord Grantham, as he threw a boot at Carson's head.

"As you wish My Lord". Replied Carson. He closed the bedroom door behind him, and made his way to the kitchen.

Lady Sybil, youngest daughter of The Earl and Countess of Grantham. Knocked at the small kitchen door. "Come on you old bastard, I'm freezin me nuts off out ere" She cried, through gritted teeth.

Cook, and nosey parker, Mrs Patmore, opened the kitchen door, to be confronted by Lady Sybil in an appauling state.
"My god!" She cried, "What the hell has happened to you Lady Sybil, you look awful!?"

"A rugby fifteen and two bottles of neat vodka Mrs Pamore". Replied Lady Sybil, "Now, can I fukin come in? Or have I got to freeze to death?"

Mrs Patmore let the young hieress in, and sat her down at the kitchen table. Within seconds, there was a bowl of hot soup and a crusty roll sitting in front of Lady Sybil.

"How do you do it Mrs Patmore?" Enquired Lady Sybil.

"Oh, I as many a yeer in service marm, an I as me pots on aal day n night to keep thar family well fed me Lady" Replied Mrs Patmore, as she poured the hot tea into a cup.

"What has my dad told you fuckin lot about that Upstairs Downstairs shit Mrs Patmore? Spat Lady Sybil.

"Sorry Lady Sybil", Replied Mrs Patmore, "But this house, with all its finery and beautiful gardens, makes one feel like it should be in the Edwardian times with all the goings on that went on in Upstairs Downstairs" Enthused Mrs Patmore.

"Its a fuckin two up two down in the Fulham road for fucks sake!" Shouted Lady Sybil.

In the Grand Hall, Barrow, the First Footman, rang the huge bell that hung from the wall by the Grand door. He placed a large silver key in the lock, and stood back.
Presently, the entire Grantham family assembled in the Hall.
Lady Grantham turned the key in the lock, and the entire family dissapeared behind the Grand door. This was a practise, that happened every morning at eleven. No staff member was allowed beyond the door, or, to know the reason for this strange, elusive tradition. Some say, they practise Devil worship. Is it any wonder, that the local villagers name them, "The Creepy Crawleys.

In Episode two, we find out what is beyond that Great door.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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